need feedback please read and respond!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
need feedback please read and respond!
14
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 2:21am

Is it okay in a serious committed monagamous relationship to go through your signifigant other cell phone??

If you think so why?

If not why??

Need feedback please thanks everyone!@

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 3:34am

One of the posters here has a list of when spying is OK. Hopefully they'll post it for you soon...or perhaps when the weekend is over. It gets quiet here over the weekend.

My personal view? I've never had the urge to spy on my husband's phone, so I've never had to debate this myself. But this is because I trust him implicitly. If you have no trust, you have no relationship.

I don't think I would tolerate someone looking in my phone... unless I'd been cheating on him and was trying to redeem myself and find new trust.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 7:32am
The reason I ask is because I feel like being in a relationship like that there shouldnt be a reason to care if your significant other looks at your phone cause you shouldn't have anything to hide from them anyways. I agree that without trust there cant be a relationship but also this has nothing to do with trust really if you arent doing something they dont know about then why does it even matter if that person did go through your phone? what reason would there be to vare if they did Im sure everyone will say cause its mine and the whole privacy thing thing but in an open commited realtionship whats considered private really?? For me nothing cause if I get into a relationship that I am committed to then I dont need to be private and should be able to be open about whatever is that just a messed up perception on the issue or....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 8:31am

I agree that in an open, monogamous relationship there should be no secrets. I would not be comfortable if I my husband kept his email and phone locked up. I'd wonder what he was hiding.

My reassurance comes from knowing that I could look if I wanted to. But RESPECT and TRUST keeps me from actually doing it.

Also, could you please use punctuation when you type. Your post is very hard to read :)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 10:37am

I agree with you and Aisha that if there is nothing going on, there should be no reason to be secretive. However, some people are more sensitive than others to having people looking over their shoulder--it feels like an invasion of privacy to them.

I am guessing (perhaps incorrectly) that you borrowed your girlfriend's phone, and glanced through it before handing it back. She was probably angry that you took that liberty, and I agree with her. It's her phone; looking through it without her permission was tantamount to looking through her purse or her panty drawer. No doubt she has never done anything inappropriate during your relationship, but seizing an opportunity to look at her phone suggests to her that you don't trust her, which is how she would feel if you pawed through her purse or her panties.

Everyone is entitled to privacy, and wanting privacy does not mean that the person who wants it has been up to no good. Unless the two of you had previously agreed that it was all right for either of you to go through the other's phone, the one who was looking is in the wrong.

I just re-read your second post and found this:

" . . . but in an open commited realtionship whats considered private really??"

No matter how long you are with someone, that person's possessions are private property. You cannot just dismiss the issue of privacy and assume that it will be all right with the other member of the relationship. If she has a higher privacy threshold than you have, hers is the one that counts, and if this a serious issue for you, then you're in the wrong relationship.




Edited 6/17/2007 10:42 am ET by geoteo
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 11:20am

LOL,
Sorry about the bad punctuation! But actually you were incorrect in assuming she has never done anything to make me not trust her! But thats water under the bridge so to speak at this point. I was just curious what other people thought about the subject Im alot more open than most people as far as not having "Private Stuff" so was just curious what other people thought also. But I'd get into reason's there is a lack of trust etc... But thats a long long long post which should be in another thread with a new topic and I dont know if I even have the time for that right at this moment but I will sometime Im sure Thanks for the feedback though and please if anyone else has anymore I'd love to hear it! Have a great day all!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY TOO

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 2:17pm
This is a double edged sword. I say YES to answer the question, the 'but' is how long have you been together??? My dh and I have been together for 6 years (married for four) and we still look in each other's cell phones. When we were dating we did too. Who cares. Sometimes you need a number or you want to look in their phone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 7:01pm
We have been together just over 7 years itll be 8 years on March 1st of next year!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 7:05pm

I just read this too and thought i'd respond to it..

"No matter how long you are with someone, that person's possessions are private property. You cannot just dismiss the issue of privacy and assume that it will be all right with the other member of the relationship. If she has a higher privacy threshold than you have, hers is the one that counts, and if this a serious issue for you, then you're in the wrong relationship."

As far as that goes she has no issues going into anything of mine nor do I have any issue's with her doing so but it seems to be one of those major she can do whatever she wants but I can only do what she wants type things. Do as I say not as I do if you know what I mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:10pm
I do know what you mean. If she has private areas, but doesn't accord you the same privilege, then she's not being fair to you. Can the two of you have a calm discussion to decide what areas of each other's lives will remain private? I agree, if she's going through your stuff whenever she wants, but won't let you do the same to hers, then she's holding herself to a different standard than she does you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:41am

>>As far as that goes she has no issues going into anything of mine nor do I have any issue's with her doing so but it seems to be one of those major she can do whatever she wants but I can only do what she wants type things. Do as I say not as I do if you know what I mean?<<

You must address this behaviour immediately. If she wants to look at your stuff, she needs to have her stuff completely open too. But if she wants privacy, then she needs to give you the same priviledge.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Of course, you may also want to reconsider dating someone who has double standards. It wouldn't sit well with me.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

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