In Need of a Good Ear / Great Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2007
In Need of a Good Ear / Great Advice
11
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 1:40pm

Hi There!

I'm in desperate need of some relationship advice, and I'm afraid I've no place else to turn. Should you be able to assist me with a good ear / some great advice I would be most appreciative.

That said ...

I am a 43 year old gay man. C and I have been involved in a loving, committed relationship for 18 years. We are best friends and take great pride in our relationship, as well as our mutual ability to care for one another and to make each other laugh. Things are stable, calm, and generally wonderful. The only issue at hand is a lack of intimacy : we've not been physically intimate in about 5 years, rarely touch and never cuddle. Candidly, it seems a small issue at that as relationships are about so many more important things.

We have maintained an "open relationship" for about 12 years - sex with others is permitted, but dating is not. This seems to work fine as C is much more sexual than I.

Recently I met S. He is handsome and funny and ... wonderful. We have been having an affair and I feel I am falling in love with him. No, I know I am in love with him. S feels as I do, and is fully aware of my commitment with C. It is easy for S and I to find time to see one another as C travels 15 - 18 days per month. Are you still with me??

I cannot get enough of S. I think about him the entire day through and feel he has awakened a side of me, a part of me, that has been missing for quite some time. I cannot get enough of him. His feelings are reciprocated and he assures me he has never felt this happy in his life. As a result, I have broken every rule in my relationship with C : S and I date, we sleep together overnight, we kiss and cuddle and hold hands.

Of course, I am racked with guilt for what I am doing to C. Moreover, if I ever hurt him a part of me would die. I know he suspects ... but is in denial. I always thought C and I would spend the rest of our lives together ... 18 years is a long time in gay relationship years.

But ... what if some divine being has brought S to me for a reason? And what if I let it pass in favor of my relationship with C and it is the wrong decision. I do not want to be without S and I am terrified to be without C.

I know this must sound horribly selfish ... but I assure you I am a good man with a big heart. I am in love with S. I feel this for certain. But how could I ever leave C after all the years we've shared? How could I hurt him so callously?

I feel so confused, and frightened ... and really need some advice.

Thanks so much for listening.

D

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 2:15pm

Welcome to the board dzinasor,


I know you already know this, but you are going to have to make a choice. Either C or S. You can't go on having a relationship with both of them. It isn't fair to anyone involved in this.


With that being said, I think maybe you

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 2:23pm

Hi D and welcome to the board,


I'm not sure which relationship you want to save, so I'm going to give you a few other boards to consider:


Ending an Affair Support


My Affair Support


I will tell you that your situation sounds a lot my cousin's story from about 5 yrs back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 2:58pm
Thank You, Carrie ... for taking the time and the sage advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 3:00pm
I know you're right ... perhaps over the holidays I can sort some things out. Thanks for taking the time to respond - means the world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 3:13pm
No problem. We are always here to help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 3:24pm

You have had a great 18 year relationship that has turned into a wonderful friendship; but it's no longer a 'love relationship' because there is no physical intimacy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 3:40pm

Hi dzinasor,

As it has been said already, an open relationship only works for very, very few people. It is a relationship that works because two people don't want to be monogamous to one another, not as a solution to intimacy problems. If anything... It would worsen an intimacy problem. The fact is, if you two want to be intimate with someone, AND you're committed to a relationship together, the solution is to find a way to bring intimacy back between you... Not by finding it with someone else.

Now you've seen the other side of the fence and are wondering what life might be like with someone else. Well, what you really have are two solutions, if you want to get really basic:

-Break up with C and pursue a relationship with S
-Break up with S and commit to an exclusive, intimate relationship

If you find a counselor who specializes in gay relationships then it's very likely that you two can be intimate again. What it will take from both of you is a commitment to one another and a desire to do whatever it takes to be together.

If you want my personal opinion: I wouldn't throw an 18 year relationship away too quickly over someone who gives you butterflies. What you have with C is something very valuable and certainly fixable if you really want to fix it. If you are unhappy with him and don't want to be with him romantically anymore, then there's your answer - but if you really love him and want things to work then I think you should both get rid of the "open" part of your relationship and go for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 3:54pm
Thanks so much for your insightful advice. You have, indeed, provided me with food for thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 3:58pm
I appreciate your taking the time to respond, as well as your thought-provoking words. I'm really glad I researched this message board and, again, I thank you so for your insights as well as your benevolent approach. I guess I have some thinking to do ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 4:50pm

Just my two cents..


Your 18 year old relationship is very valuable. Not every couple, gay or straight, gets there. You two have a very special history, one that takes....well, 18 years to develop. From the way you describe C, you still care a lot about him.


With S, you have that early infatuation chemical reaction in your brain. If you research the biochemistry of infatuation, your brain is actually being bathed in chemicals that enhance this experience for you. Naturally, that wears off, just like it did with you and C. Then you're left with having to turn that into a deeper, more mature and loving relationship. Sometimes you can, sometimes it doesn't work.


You seem like such a caring person, I would hate for you to lose a really wonderful and rare relationship to take a chance on something you can't yet count on. I truly hope that you can rekindle the physical love with C. No matter what you decide to do, the status quo isn't really an option. That would be the most unfair thing for everyone.


Best of luck to you. I hope this works out with minimal heartache for all of you.

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Cat

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

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