need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
need help!
5
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:31pm
this is probably going to sound incredibly bizarre, and perhaps a bit childish, but I really need some help here. I live with my boyfriend of just over a year, and we have a great relationship. He is kind, supportive, loving, and we're best friends on top of everything else. What's the problem then? Well, when we first started seeing each other, he'd made a comment to me about how he'd "already been with the girl of his dreams", referring to his ex-girlfriend from years ago. I didn't think much of it at the time, but when we moved in together, I had accidentally kicked over a box containing her old pictures, letters, etc.... and it got me thinking about what he said back then. Now and again, I find myself wondering if she's the girl of his dreams, where does that leave me, and what would happen if she decided she wanted him back one day...and I get nauseated. I know it's childish and I've never had a jealousy streak before. I think it honestly has to do with that "innocent" comment from over a year ago. I feel like an idiot. I have a wonderful relationship, and we're both in this for the long haul. Any thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: siebal
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:47pm
well just remember there's a reason why he's not with her anymore, and you are with him now. also who said you can't have your dream girl or boy but once in a life time? i think a lightning could strike more than once. but if you are hurt somehow, and this keeps on bugging you, maybe one day when timing is right and the subject of the other girl is brought up, you can tell him how you feel (but don't make it seem his fault or he'd get defensive). ask him how he feels about it. im sure it'll be ok. and you have every right to feel this way... it's just natural when you are in love and yet the person you loved has had been in love before... make sense? lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: siebal
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:50pm
i appreciate it; thanks for the pep talk! It's weird; I know I'm over my past, why do I think he's not over his???
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: siebal
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 4:19pm

Ouch....


Im pretty sure that even if he thought he meant it then, he doesnt now.Otherwise, it'd be her living with him and not you...With that said, there is also a reason their exes..


I do know how it feels to find reminders like that. I dont think it would be fair to ask him to burn or destroy things necissarily, simpoly because I think everyone is entitled to memories, no matter how they keep them. However, if this a problem,. you deserve for the problem to be taken care of (in a mture, adult fashion). Maybe, both of you guys move them to the farthest corner of the attic where hopefully you'll never see them for a very long time...maybe he'll offer to burn the crap and you guys can incinerate it all together...for all you know, it may not even be that important to him anymore.


Point is though, you need to let him know how that hurt you, he doesnt read minds and if you dont let him know(perferably with out starting the next world war), it will eat at you..


Good luck and best wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
In reply to: siebal
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 10:19pm
Oh boy do I ever know how you feel. I have been in pretty much the exact same situation. Except that instead of kicking over a box of photos and letters, while cleaning the garage I found a box of clothes of hers that included sexy Lingerie. OUCH. I know exactly how you feel, trust me. I think the thing that has helped me the most is simply the passage of time. We have been together over 2 years now and I remember the first six months or more feeling just like you. I kept wondering if "she" was going to come back and try to steal him away. He never said she could but he never said she couldn't either. I know he was grappeling with the idea that it was over with him and her for good. I had to just take one day at a time and keep myself mentally prepared for "what if" at the same time I had to be positive and cheerful and keep the relationship healthy. It was a difficult balancing act. Like I said the only thing that has helped is just the passage of time, he and I have grown closer and closer and our relationship has grown strong and full of trust. Now he says that he would NEVER get back together with her even if I walked out tomorrow, now his eyes have been opened. But he never would have said that way back when. So I think if you just hang in there and try to think positive and try to concentrate on the present and making YOUR relationship as good as it possibly can be that in time this problem will fade away. Hope that helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: siebal
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 7:08am

I can certainly understand how you feel, we all get at least slightly jealous at times about this sort of thing, and hearing a line like that would probably bug me as well.