Need help and advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Need help and advice
12
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 12:09pm

Ladies,
I need some advice.My wife and I have been together for 20 years,married for 15. We have 3 children 10,8 and 7. Life is busy.Well the passion and romance is not what it used to be and she doesn't seem to want to improve it.The sex life is not what it is.She never intimates it and we go for weeks at a time. Below is her response to my suggestion that we make love more often.

"I'm sorry that I don't feel the same way about this subject as you do. It's an issue that I don't think is going to get resolved the way you want it to. We've been together for 20 years and our relationship has moved on from the passionate one we had. Relationships change. You want from me something I don't have anymore."

Now, the other problem is that she had an affair a year and a half ago.Ilove her dearly,understood why she did it and forgave her.It still bothers me,and I do not want to leave her. She said it was over.I recently found her emailing the same man with flirty emails.She said it was an escape and they only met the one time.
I am trying to keep us together and need help.

Also,anyone know any good counselors/therapists in the Boston area.I know some of you will say that I should leave her,but I have no intention of that.I want her to put a priority on rekindling the passion we had and improve our sex life which I feel will help our relationship.
Thanks
Confusedguy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 1:11pm

Welcome to the board confusedguy33,


::I

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 1:47pm

Welcome to the board confusedguy33,


"You want from me something I don't have anymore."


Of course she doesn't have it anymore, it's still going to the other guy in the form of flirty emails.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 2:44pm
I know I have to get her to commit to making the marriage and our relationship better.I just feel like she won't listen to me because she thinks it's all about sex.It is obvioulsy more than that.I am stuck on where to turn and who to talk to.
Thanks,
Confused guy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 2:48pm
Have you told her that it isn't all about sex?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 2:53pm

Carrie,
Thanks.I will try the other boards. I thought we had a great relationship,other than the lack of sex.Ironically,I should have been the one having an affair,due to ourlack of sex life,and it ended up being her.

Thanks again,
Confused guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 3:13pm
Yes,I told her she lacks affection.I rarely get a hug.I told her that her lack of affection and not showing it doesn't reflect well on the kids.
Sometimes,she thinks it only about the sex,but says she is different than me and not as affectionate as I am.
Marriage is tough!
Confused guy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 3:31pm
She is always not be very affectionate or this a change from how she used to be?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 11:21pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 12:38am

I admire that you are going to try to fix things, but I hope you don't waste too much time. Please give yourself a deadline.
I lost passion for my husband and all sexual interest and almost cheated. Our situation could have been very different, but I want to tell you the things he could have done to save our marriage, just in case any of them will help you.
1. Spend time with me, but not always talking (quiet is good too)
2. Stop over-spending
3. Spend time with our kids
4. Get his angry temper in control
5. Listen to me
6. SHow affection without expecting sex each time
7. Change sex up a little bit.
8. Be on time
9. Be considerate
10. Stop playing golf all the time,

Okay, you might already do all these things, but I hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 3:39pm

Hello boogiebooboo(nice screen name!)
This type of advice is what I was looking for. Just to see where I stand I replied to some of your concerns

1. I try and make time for us to go out with out the kids.If she comes home from work and wants to go out,I get on the phone and find sitter.(it took 18 phone calls one night!)
2. I don't spend much other than tickets to a few sporting events-Patriots,Celtics.
3. Since she works every Saturday,I am with them .I coach my son's two Basketball leagues,will be coaching my daughter's team,and try and take them places when I can.
4. I don't have a temper,though the kids can get me going!
5. Listen to me- I do listen to her,though I think she sometimes think she told me something when she may have emailed it to her Ap.
6. One thing I try and do is give her hugs often,and in front of the kids.That's something she never does.
7. Change sex up a little bit.This is what we have trouble with,because I try to(when we do have sex) and she is very routine and less adventurous,shall we say.I love to give her oral,and she doesn't care for me to do it most times.She thinks I want a porn star in bed,when I would love to not just do missionary all the time.I am looking for love and affection from her when we make love.She rarely kisses and doesn't do oral.It is me pleasing her,which I love.I would like to have her seduce me,and that hasn't happened for awhile.
8. Be on time. I probably am 80% of the time.
9. Be considerate- I'd like to think I try.I bring her coffee sometimes,make the bed in the mornings or at night,do laundry when it piles up,put the dishes away and clean the kitchen.
10. Stop playing golf all the time, I have stopped playing on the weekends ten years ago,and only play work related outings during the week.

I think she was looking for an escape from our daily problems dealing with kids,finances,and other things,and started emailing someone on line.Next thing you know,I find an email(a year and a half ago) that she was looking forward to her night at a hotel. I am still puzzled that she went that far.Part of me thinks it's that she only had a few partners in her life and was curious.Of course I wonder now,how she liked it with him,etc etc.Then I find other emails a year later that has him saying she's his best friend and he wants to know when they will make love again.She told him she thinks about it a lot.When I questioned her about that,she says it was a game and way to escape.Funny though,she says it aroused her,but that never translated to more sex at home.So I sit and wonder and try and see how we can right the ship.
Thanks for listening!

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