Need Help ASAP with wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Need Help ASAP with wife
29
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 1:38pm

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We have been together for the better part of a decade. My wife has been sexually and emotionally unattentive to say the least, for a few years now. I understand that sex declines with the length of a marriage but I am 28 and she just turned 27 so I think that 2 times a month is a bit unreasonable. I have talked to her about my concerns many times and she says she will work on them and try to make things better. She has even gone to a therapist for help in dealing with her issues. She says it is her low self esteem that leads to all of our problems and her therapist agrees. I compliment her all the time and her therapist says that is a good thing and that I am doing all that I can and that the final changes have to come from my wife. (I had a session with her therapist per my wifes request)

The problem is that despite my wifes promises to me to try to make things better and the fact that she sees a therapist once a week she really isnt doing anything to make changes that I can see. Her therapist told her to just have sex with me 3 times in one week. My wife agreed that she is attracted to me and that the only issue is her self esteem. She also agreed that she enjoys sex with me. My wife(out of the blue) told me that her therapist said to do this and my wife told me she was going to. That was 3 months ago and we are still having sex 2 times a month if I am lucky. The amount has not picked up at all and she has not mentioned anything else about it. When I tried to talk to her about it she just blew me off. I was mad because I felt like she wasnt making an effort and because we are paying a therapist that she isnt listening to and isnt even trying to do the things the therapist recommends. Its more than the frequency of our love making that troubles me though.

Participation during is another concern for me. It always has to be the same way with the lights off in the bed. I am young and I would like to make things more interesting. My wife looks very attractive in her t shirt and flannel pajama pants but it gets redundant taking the same thing off of her every time. She has a drawer full of lingerie that she refuses to wear citing her self esteem. I dont get it though. If she can be nude in front of me why cant she be in a sexy bra and panties? The other day I told her I was going to order her some thigh high cotton stockings. Big fantasy of mine and she knows that. she immediately shot me down and told me not to waste the money because she wont wear them. I tried to convey to her that it is a big fantasy of mine and that it was very important to me. I was immediately shut down by her saying "I dont want to and you shouldnt try to convince me to do something I dont want to do" I would understand if I were asking for a 3sum but I was asking her to wear a pair of socks for Christs sake.

It is the same with every major and minor thing. She cant be on top because of her self esteem and we cant talk about it because I am trying to convince her to do something she doesnt want to do. we cant take pictures. we cant fool around outside the bedroom. no sexy high heels in bed. everything I ask for is rejected.

I am at a loss and I have no idea what to do. She has been "working" on her self esteem for 3 years now and promising me that things are going to get better. They arent getting better. They arent even beginning to get better and I dont believe she cares or is even trying to make them better.

Please Help, what should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 1:58pm

Welcome to the board adam1979,


At this point, I think marriage counseling would be a very good idea.


What happened when you had a session with her therapist?


The thing that concerns me about your post is that your wife isn't making an effort to change anything. I hate to say it, but I almost feel like she is using low esteem as an excuse.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 2:04pm

'we are paying a therapist that she isnt listening to and isnt even trying to do the things the therapist recommends'


But there may be some really good things happening in therapy that indirectly affect

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 2:39pm
I kind of feel like she is using it as an excuse also but I may just feel that way because I get mad about it sometimes. therapy went good when I went with her a few times. I cant afford couples therapy and her single therapy and I agree with her therapist that my wife really needs solo work to deal with her self esteem issues.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 2:41pm
gina. she was different when we got married. she was flirty and fun and willing to to have fun in the bedroom. All of the things she now refuses to do. I dont want her to stop therapy. they are working on other things so I was wrong to say that therapy is a waste of money. I guess I didnt look at it like that. maybe this issue bothers me so much that I lost sight of the other things she may be working on and their importance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 3:22pm

Welcome to the board adam1979,


Having a loving husband that wants to have sex with you is a boost to a woman's self-esteem, in my opinion, so I'd kind of wonder what's going on with her besides self-esteem as problems in the bedroom are usually a reflection of problems in the relationship as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 6:22pm
So what else happened when her self esteem went downhill. Is she depressed over something else? Did she gain weight? Lose a job, family member or friend? Did you move? I just wonder if the loss of your sex life parallels something else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 6:32pm
it doesnt parallel anything that i can see.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 9:40pm
I think that you should ask to have another visit with her therapist. Ask the therapist all of these questions. She can't divulge confidences, but she can give you generalities. Let her know what your concerns are again.

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I am unable to give legal or medical advice. My opinions are based on my experiences and my personal research.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2007
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 8:38pm
I think you have to get down to the bottom line here. You have known your wife for a long time now. This is the way she is. She isn't adventurous in bed, she doesn't like to try new things, and she really doesn't even care much for the same old thing. I am not saying this to be rude, or to put your wife down. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are asking for, and I don't think there is anything wrong with the way your wife is. It is just two opposites. I am sure you love her a great deal considering the time you have been together, but you have to just accept some things if you want to continue to be with her. I'm sure she could probably learn to be more adventurous in bed, but it doesn't sound like she has the motivation. You just have to ask yourself can you accept the way she is, or can you not live like that? Maybe you should see a therapist by yourself to learn how you can better accept the way your wife is. Because what you're trying to do now(thought I do applaude you for trying) seems to be making you more frustrated. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sat, 12-08-2007 - 12:54am

Okay Adam, I'm going to go in a different direction because I really don't think it helps to focus on how right you are and how wrong she is, especially since that is not the case.

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