Need Help ASAP with wife
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| Thu, 12-06-2007 - 1:38pm |
My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We have been together for the better part of a decade. My wife has been sexually and emotionally unattentive to say the least, for a few years now. I understand that sex declines with the length of a marriage but I am 28 and she just turned 27 so I think that 2 times a month is a bit unreasonable. I have talked to her about my concerns many times and she says she will work on them and try to make things better. She has even gone to a therapist for help in dealing with her issues. She says it is her low self esteem that leads to all of our problems and her therapist agrees. I compliment her all the time and her therapist says that is a good thing and that I am doing all that I can and that the final changes have to come from my wife. (I had a session with her therapist per my wifes request)
The problem is that despite my wifes promises to me to try to make things better and the fact that she sees a therapist once a week she really isnt doing anything to make changes that I can see. Her therapist told her to just have sex with me 3 times in one week. My wife agreed that she is attracted to me and that the only issue is her self esteem. She also agreed that she enjoys sex with me. My wife(out of the blue) told me that her therapist said to do this and my wife told me she was going to. That was 3 months ago and we are still having sex 2 times a month if I am lucky. The amount has not picked up at all and she has not mentioned anything else about it. When I tried to talk to her about it she just blew me off. I was mad because I felt like she wasnt making an effort and because we are paying a therapist that she isnt listening to and isnt even trying to do the things the therapist recommends. Its more than the frequency of our love making that troubles me though.
Participation during is another concern for me. It always has to be the same way with the lights off in the bed. I am young and I would like to make things more interesting. My wife looks very attractive in her t shirt and flannel pajama pants but it gets redundant taking the same thing off of her every time. She has a drawer full of lingerie that she refuses to wear citing her self esteem. I dont get it though. If she can be nude in front of me why cant she be in a sexy bra and panties? The other day I told her I was going to order her some thigh high cotton stockings. Big fantasy of mine and she knows that. she immediately shot me down and told me not to waste the money because she wont wear them. I tried to convey to her that it is a big fantasy of mine and that it was very important to me. I was immediately shut down by her saying "I dont want to and you shouldnt try to convince me to do something I dont want to do" I would understand if I were asking for a 3sum but I was asking her to wear a pair of socks for Christs sake.
It is the same with every major and minor thing. She cant be on top because of her self esteem and we cant talk about it because I am trying to convince her to do something she doesnt want to do. we cant take pictures. we cant fool around outside the bedroom. no sexy high heels in bed. everything I ask for is rejected.
I am at a loss and I have no idea what to do. She has been "working" on her self esteem for 3 years now and promising me that things are going to get better. They arent getting better. They arent even beginning to get better and I dont believe she cares or is even trying to make them better.
Please Help, what should I do?

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"she has told me that she is content"
Then she isn't going to change.
I apologize for offending you.
>>"...what am I supposed to do? pretend that it isnt important to me? pretend to not be hurt when I am rejected over and over again?">>
and what do you want your wife to do?....*pretend* she wants lots more sex? *pretend* shes aroused to wear stockings and heels to bed? *pretend* she wants spicey sex similar to the kind YOU want?
i'm all for couples compromising and indulging one another....i think its great to take turns in bed, indulging each others desires...but i
I just wanted to say that I disagree with any arguments against you. You should remember that this is a women's board, primarily, and a lot of people here will defend, if viciously, their fellow women.
The basics of your situation are that:
-You have sex very rarely (I agree that twice a month is not acceptable)
-Your wife understands she has a problem wanting sex and has talked to her therapist about it
-Regardless, she does not take any action to initiate or accept sex more often with you
I think at a certain point you need to see that she is comfortable where she is and doesn't really WANT to want sex. That sounds like her. I'm not saying that you necessarily should accept it, but I'm wondering what other choices you have? Your options are severely limited when the person who is keeping you unhappy doesn't want to change. I'm sympathetic to you because you sound like a good guy who doesn't want to be doomed to a sexless marriage at such a young age.
'Ide hate to be your husband.'
Yikes!
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