Need Help ASAP with wife
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| Thu, 12-06-2007 - 1:38pm |
My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We have been together for the better part of a decade. My wife has been sexually and emotionally unattentive to say the least, for a few years now. I understand that sex declines with the length of a marriage but I am 28 and she just turned 27 so I think that 2 times a month is a bit unreasonable. I have talked to her about my concerns many times and she says she will work on them and try to make things better. She has even gone to a therapist for help in dealing with her issues. She says it is her low self esteem that leads to all of our problems and her therapist agrees. I compliment her all the time and her therapist says that is a good thing and that I am doing all that I can and that the final changes have to come from my wife. (I had a session with her therapist per my wifes request)
The problem is that despite my wifes promises to me to try to make things better and the fact that she sees a therapist once a week she really isnt doing anything to make changes that I can see. Her therapist told her to just have sex with me 3 times in one week. My wife agreed that she is attracted to me and that the only issue is her self esteem. She also agreed that she enjoys sex with me. My wife(out of the blue) told me that her therapist said to do this and my wife told me she was going to. That was 3 months ago and we are still having sex 2 times a month if I am lucky. The amount has not picked up at all and she has not mentioned anything else about it. When I tried to talk to her about it she just blew me off. I was mad because I felt like she wasnt making an effort and because we are paying a therapist that she isnt listening to and isnt even trying to do the things the therapist recommends. Its more than the frequency of our love making that troubles me though.
Participation during is another concern for me. It always has to be the same way with the lights off in the bed. I am young and I would like to make things more interesting. My wife looks very attractive in her t shirt and flannel pajama pants but it gets redundant taking the same thing off of her every time. She has a drawer full of lingerie that she refuses to wear citing her self esteem. I dont get it though. If she can be nude in front of me why cant she be in a sexy bra and panties? The other day I told her I was going to order her some thigh high cotton stockings. Big fantasy of mine and she knows that. she immediately shot me down and told me not to waste the money because she wont wear them. I tried to convey to her that it is a big fantasy of mine and that it was very important to me. I was immediately shut down by her saying "I dont want to and you shouldnt try to convince me to do something I dont want to do" I would understand if I were asking for a 3sum but I was asking her to wear a pair of socks for Christs sake.
It is the same with every major and minor thing. She cant be on top because of her self esteem and we cant talk about it because I am trying to convince her to do something she doesnt want to do. we cant take pictures. we cant fool around outside the bedroom. no sexy high heels in bed. everything I ask for is rejected.
I am at a loss and I have no idea what to do. She has been "working" on her self esteem for 3 years now and promising me that things are going to get better. They arent getting better. They arent even beginning to get better and I dont believe she cares or is even trying to make them better.
Please Help, what should I do?

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Adam,
In your last post, I see something different than self-esteem issues. I see a power play for control.
Thanks for you advice. I may print this out and bring it with me the next time I am invited. I am not absolutely sure what you mean by a power play though. could you elaborate a little bit more for me?
I spoke with her about affection in general this morning. It was very positive. It did not turn into an argument and she didnt deny me the ability to discuss the issue with her. I told her how I felt and she said she didnt realize how she was making me feel. She thought I was just horny and mad at her. I guess the real difference was that I tried to stay upbeat and not let my feelings put me in a bad mood during the morning. It made a big difference. I told her I wasnt mad at her and she thanked me and told me it was just because she was tired. she told me she knows that she takes me for granted and that she has been discussing all of this with her therapist. I feel good and positive that she hears what I am upset about now and really understands it. Hopefully now we can make some real headway in dealing with the issue.
I think your wife should terminate her therapy, and you should use the money for couples counseling instead, perhaps even a sex therapist. I don't think her therapist is helping her or you
I totally agree with this advice.
I don't want to admonish adam's wife because she is probably confused and upset, but avoiding the issue, promising to have sex with him and then acting angry when she fails to follow through is an indication that she needs to take the step to see a doctor. If there's nothing medically wrong then it's important that she be willing to explore other avenues - besides forcing him to accept the status quo. It's not fair that she gets her way; you should at the very least be able to come to a compromise about how often you are intimate. I know a lot of women will whine "she doesn't want to have sex, you can't make her, do you really want to force her?" and obviously the answer is no. But she has an obligation as a wife to try to make you happy. Sex twice a month isn't the relationship you signed up for - if something about her drastically changes in your marriage, then it is up to her to fix it. I truly hope she is able to. She's not exactly menopausal, you deserve a healthy sex life while you're young at least. But I definitely second the idea that you need counseling together. Her lack of communication with you is a huge part of the problem.
<< We got home, and nothing. I tried to talk to her about it and she snapped at me and went to sleep. effort? I feel like I am being played with
<< I know that for some strange reason you think that people dont change the things they do and shouldnt or dont try when someone they love is not content.
'if a person is content with how things are, then ... there is little to no motivation to change.
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