Need help- boyfriend's mom dislikes me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Need help- boyfriend's mom dislikes me!
7
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:00am
Hello,

First of all thank you for taking the time to read this.

My situation is my boyfriend's mother does not like me. From the start of our relationship (been together for 4 1/2 years), she has been cunning in her remarks to him regarding me and makes her opinion apparent.



He doesn't have the most comfortable relationship with his mother, probably because his mom isn't very warm or encouraging. His mom doesn't tell him I love you, or tell him she is proud of him, etc... She is always quick to call him on things he is doing wrong (she gets along great with his "perfect" older brother). Obviously this has affected his confidence. So anyway, he feels judged a lot which of coarse prevents them from having a close, mother/son relationship. Yet, he still carries high respect for her and would love to someday make her proud.



In the beginning she was horrible about me and after we were together for a year or so, she just started to tolerate me and I was invited to family things.



So, the other day we were at his parents, and his parents gave an opinion to him (about an advertising brochure for his company) and I was excited and said "See honey, your parents said the same thing I did." He wasn't making eye contact with me, on purpose, because they had the same opinion. So I (funnily) said "come on hun, where's the eye contact" and he looked up and smiled and said "ya, whatever" (funnily)

So, I happened to speak with her today and she said, "a little constructive criticism...I wouldn't cut him down in front of his parents or do that at all." I was caught so off guard all I could do was say apologize and say I'm sorry. I wish I would have explained that's we are, we are just being sarcastic. We do this in an obviously playful way. We enjoy joking and being sarcastic. But..I didn't say that. I feel horrible because she feels I was criticizing her son and she said that doesn't help his confidence. I didn't tell my boyfriend because it would really upset him. I know I shouldn't put so much into that comment, but I just feel horrible that she feels I cut him down. All I ever do is tell him how smart and clever and adorable he is. I try to give him the encouragement and confidence she never gave him.

What do I do? She told him she wants "us" to come over this weekend and have a pow-wow. He asked "about what," and she said "just, about everything." I am afraid she will just criticizes me and our relationship. But, I think I should 'suck it up' and go so I can be there for him. So, how do I make her happy? How can I make this relationship with her better?

What can I do? (Sorry so long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 8:24am


You both have nothing to prove to her anymore yet you give her so much power. She was looking for an opportunity to put you down and in doing so said something entirely hypocritical.

You have every right to turn down her invitation to this pow-pow. Why go through that? Why spend the day defending yourself to someone who is unreasonable and mean?

If he continues to let her walk all over him then you have a decision to make about whether you want to put up with this in the long run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:31am

Why do either one of you feel obligated to make her an active participant in you and your bf's relationship?Or life, for that matter. He is a big boy and needs to stop letting his mom run his life and consequently, his relationship.


Both of you need to stand up to this woman, no matter what. She acts like this because both of you let her..notice i ma referring to BOTH of you..this BOTH of your problem, this needs to be deqalt with from both of you. If you MUST attend her little pow-wow, be prepared to let her know where you stand. Respectivaly tell her that as much as you care about her, you are datig her son and have no intentions of walking on egg shells to make sure she stays happy. Dont give in, and dont let down.


Best wishes,

~*Cl-marsexpert*~


~Proud to be~


Community

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:33am
Thanks to everyone for reading and replying to my long message. Everyone's replies made me feel more secure in feeling that she was out of line to start this negative talk all over again; I still wonder what to do. I finally did tell my boyfriend. He is a sweet guy (he is 28 this past Feb. and I will be 26 in May), but he is also sensitive which is why I didn't want to tell him in the first place. He agreed with all of you, he said, "I don't know why my mother does this, why she would say that". But he hasn't talked to her since she requested the pow-wow. I don't want him to NOT talk to his mom, but he feels awkward speaking with her. She has not called; I suspect it is because she is worried I told him what she said. How do we casually get them and eventually her and I, back to speaking without making it a scene?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:42am
She sounds nasty and over-bearing. You shouldn't have to apologize or explain yourself to her. What she said to you on the phone was extremely confrontational and very inappropriate. No matter how hard you and your BF try, you will never please this women so don't bother trying. I would call her back and very nicely tell her that you have concerns about your most recent conversation. That you found her comments to be quite rude and she over-stepped her boundaries. You should also tell her that YOU feel that she is overly critical in regards to her son. I would refuse to spend time with her, if your BF really loves you he ill understand why. You don't need negative people in life bringing you down like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:28pm
I can tell you why she wants a pow wow, so she can openly criticize both of you because both have you have been taking it for way too long. If you respond to her confrontational comments in the moment, she would back off.

You know, some MIL's can be pretty difficult. I don't speak to my MIL anymore. This women was like "Sybil" toward me two years ago. My MIL was always so nice to me and we got along great. However, she lived in another state so we basically only spoke a few times a year. When DH and I decided to move the family to her state she became rude suddenly. I went to stay with her to get our home ready and she was absolutely horrible to me. She called me a "snob" several times and I let it go. Then she started calling my husband behind my back and tattle-tailing on me about the money I was spending on our house. She kept rolling her eyes when she was with me at Home Depot and I was buying paint and supplies for the house.DH doesn't even have a clue about our finances.

She would call DH go hide and snitch then hand me the phone and walk off in a huff! Then SIL started acting rude twoard me as well. Telling me to sit down and talk to MIL more and work things out. Work what out? Then DH kept asking me what was wrong? I am like NOTHING,. but I think his Mother and sister had a problem with me for some reason. The problem was that she was rude to me and I ignored it? There was NOTHING to workout. She was being a rude person and I was tolerating it. I was stressed out trying to get my home and family ready for a cross-country move. FINALLY the straw that broke the camels back was when she flat out told me to my face that I didn't raise my children right.

BUH BYE MIL, I haven't spoken to her since. DH doesn't push the issue because deep down inside he knows I am right. I think she was worried that she would get stuck babysitting the kids all of the time so she set the entire thing up!!She doesn't speak to her sisters either and she has gone years without speaking to her own daughter. So I know the problem isn't me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:29am
Hello, thank you to everyone who replied to my message. You all made me feel so much better to know that the way his mother treats me is not right. So, he was going to talk to his mother, but he ended up running into her at his brothers so he couldn't confront what had happened. I have not talked to her since or seen her. My question is, what should I do now. Of coarse I have no desire to see her, but I can't avoid her forever, and I am unsure on how I should act when I see her. As I said, usually, I am a very confident and outspoken person, but I don't think that is the way I should go. I will just be honest with all of you.... Part of me just wants to go over to her house the next time we are supposed to, and I just want to only speak when spoken to and keep my answers polite but short so I can't say anything to incriminate myself. My thinking is if I do that maybe she will get the point that she stepped out of line and SHE made this awkward again. But, when I think in realistically, I think that "could,” work, or she will just think that I am being ridiculous. I am so sick of this sh%&! My boyfriend and I are exhausted thinking or worrying "Oh, what will she think if we do this, or do that, or don't do that"

HELP - Anyone with advice...Please, give it!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:53am
Just treat her how you want her to treat you - period. Whether she actually does is up to her but you keep yourself above her pettiness. You also do not have to endure abuse from her either. If she continues, politely tell her that you always treat her with dignity and respect and expect that shedo the same. You will not tolerate otherwise. Do not get defensive, argue or otherwise play her game.

Your BF should make a poitnto talk to her ASAP sooner rahter than later, even if he just calls her. By putting it off, he is allowing you to suffer needlessly and is not showing his full support of you.

Always be yourslef - people will judge you regardless of what you say or do. That is because they are people who must judge. You can't change that fact but you can change how you allow it to affect you. REmember you are who YOU think you are, not what they think you are. She will have power over you until you choose to stop allowing her that power.

Best wishes to you.

Toni