Need help coping with unhappy homelife

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Need help coping with unhappy homelife
4
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 2:54pm
I really need to vent and get this off my chest and if I can get some suggestions that would help too. Here is my situation in a nutshell: (I could elaborate and give more details but this would end up being a veeerrryyyy long message!)

My husband and I have been married now for almost 6 years and been together 7. There is little to no intimacy or affection, sex is about once every couple of months and we do not "make love" it is just sex. He has alot of animosity towards my 16 year old daughter from a previous marriage, expects way too much from our 2 year old son and has a volitle temper. He has a "friend" at work whom he sends emails addressed occaisonally as "Sweetie" and signed "Love you lots" and tells her he misses her when he is not at work for a week because of our homebased business. She is also married. He quit smoking pot when we met cause he knew I was not for it but has started smoking again with his "friend". He cops a holier than thou attitude constantly and treats me like I am an absolutely brainless idiot sometimes.

I am constantly finding myself cussing him under my breath and flipping him off behind his back as he leaves the room. I have tried to evaluate myself to determine if I am causing his behavior or if I am just misinterpreting things. He has no clue whatsoever I am feeling the way I am. I have had to master hiding my feelings from him to keep him off my back. His attitude of late, I doubt saying anythng to him would make matters better. Is there anything I can do or not do on my end to make things better or a way I can adjust my way of thinking so I am not so inwardly hostile towards him? I have a slow fuse but it is getting shorter by the day and I worry that if I blow and bring up everything it will get ugly. I have thought of broaching the subject of going to couselling but am more than a little hesitant to do so. Leaving him is not financialy an option for me at this point, and yes I have concidered it.

I guess I just need some coping suggestions till I can either muster the courage to talk to him about counselling, or build up my homebased business enough to financially support myself and 2 kids on my own and just leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 12:50am

honey - get YOURSELF to counseling NOW. you are just going to make yourself sick (literally; i have BTDT) by holding all your anger and resentment in side, and you are also showing a very unhealthy example to your children (who of course pick up on EVERYTHING). IF you have decided to stay with him until you can leave - then you need HELP.


I went thru something very similar, only i did end up leaving way before i was "financially able to" - only because i was finally able to understand just how unhealthy the situation was - to me and to my son (now 18YO).


and no

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:13am
Thank you for responding! I was beginning to think no one was going to touch this with a ten foot pole!

My 16 year old daughter is very mature and she and I are very close. I was a single parent with her for almost 10 years before remarrying. I have talked with her about the situation and she says she understands my wanting to wait till I can financially afford to make it alone. I had left her father under different circumstances and struggled for years on my own with her and she remembers. But I do understand about making a safe home life for my children and that it is my responsibility. My 2 year old I'm sure is picking up on my emotions regardless that my husband is not and it is just not a good environment for him or any of us. That's why I wrote here, just trying to get some direction of what I should do. I'm so thick in the middle of all this it has been hard to see the light of day let alone which direction I should even be looking for the light.

Today was particularly stressful and I was unable to eat and have had diarrhea for the past 3 days. My physical limits are stretched thin for handling the stress and I need to act.

Should I seek out a marriage counsellor or is there be another type for my situation that would be better suited? I am very close with our family doctor and have in fact spoken to him about a few things and I could probably get a referral from him.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for the push in right direction. I haven't had anyone to get any insight or objectivity at all about any of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 8:00am

wow. your life sounds SOOOOO much like mine, only I have just one child.


I just got divorced from my second husband TODAY (YEAH!!!). it was horrible, horrible marriage, and ever since i left him - he just wouldn't divorce me, until today, finally. anyway, i kinda know what you are going thru.


I don't see how couple's counseling will help - unless you feel, deep down, that you WANT to work things out with him. and then - CC will only help if HE goes as well.


I do think, however, that YOU need personal therapy and by all means ask your GP. in addition - your dd might benefit from therapy as well. from the little you are describing, it sounds as if she knows TOO MUCH about what is going on - probably in part because you confide in her and in part because she picks up on stuff. it causes an unbalanced relationship between you and her - and that also should be addressed in therapy (again, BTDT with my son and I am very happy that we did deal with this in therapy).


understand also - that therapy is not a magic wand, it takes alot of effort and work on YOUR side. and sometimes, things get worse before they get better. sometimes you just don't have good chemistry with a therapist and you will need to start over. but START somewhere. make that phone call TODAY.


huge hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:20pm
I agree with SK1960. If your relationship is making you emotionally and physically ill you should go to counseling yourself right away. Your kids deserve a calm and happy homelife and so do you. It does not sound like you can have one with your husband. I think living in that situation is worse than being temporarily poor.

Please take care of yourself.

C