need help dealing with a jealous ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
need help dealing with a jealous ex
3
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 6:27pm
My BF and I have been together for about a year and a half, living together for 9 months. We have an unbelievable relationship that his ex can't deal with. They were separated for over a year before we started dating and I moved in a month before she knew anything about me. During that 1+ year they had been apart, she never made an effort to fix their problems, never told him she loved him, anything like that. BUT OF COURSE, when she found out about me last summer she was SUDDENLY still in love with him. Even though just a couple days before telling him this she was calling him, pretty much on a daily basis, cussing him and just screaming about any and everything. I recently found out that she has even told him that she wish she could erase him from her past. (but she's still in love with him! I hope no one loves me that much)

A few months ago he went into a really deep depression, pushing me away but still being very loving, just insisting that I deserve better. During this time had to go on a business trip. While away, he pretty much did everything but come out and tell me and his ex that he was going to kill himself. After all this happened she told him how she was sorry for always blaming him for everything and had forgotten to tell him what a wonderful person he is. She cried to me about saying things to him out of anger,blah,blah,blah. I thought that was wonderful at the time because she was treating him with a little respect, not yelling and screaming about things that were in the past and not questioning him about why their marriage couldn't be like his relationship with me.

The last couple weeks have been wonderful - he seemed to have a new attitude about his life. He has been taking better care of himself making suggestions that we both exercise together, eat better, that kind of stuff, and truly acting happy. BUT once again, out of the blue, she just went off! Wanting to know why their marriage wasn't like his relationship with me. I guess when he couldn't give her a satisfactory answer to that, she starts bringing up mistakes from the past again.

I think reality has finally set in - he is happy with me and she just needs to grow up and move on with her life. I have told both of them that if there was a chance they could work things out and be together for their children, I would step aside, it would kill me but if they could be happy I would do it. They have both made it very clear that this would never happen. Even she told me this a few days after finding out about our relationship and told me it wouldn't happen but yet she says that I am the source of so much pain in her life. I just don't get that, she didn't try for 1+ years but all this is my fault. - by the way she lives 1000+ miles away (her way of starting over, Iguess) but blames him for that too because he didn't try to stop her. I don't really know what my question is here, but I have no clue how to deal with this. I don't want to lose our beautiful relationship because he feels like we will end up the same way they did and he doesn't want me to get hurt or lose respect for him.

When he has this kind of fight with her, he keeps pushing me to move back home (because he should be alone,so as not to hurt anyone else) but yet during the last couple weeks when he was feeling better - he woke up one morning very upset asking me why I was leaving him - he had dreamed that I left him. I assured him that I wasn't going anywhere and he said but you did in my dream, I finally pushed too hard. I feel that he was afraid of doing that but am I blind and that is truly what he wants???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 6:57pm
Is he involved in his childrens' lives? How,if they are they 1000 miles away? It seems that he needs to be friendly with his ex for their sake but he does not need to take her abuse. He should speak to her only about issues that involve the children and tell her he will not talk to her about the relationship. Once she starts in on him, he hangs up. Eventually she will get it. He is choosing to take her accusations and let her blame him for her problems.

Did he go to therapy for his depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 7:24pm
Yes, he is involved in his childrens lives as much as possible. He sees them every 2-3 months, I know that's not much but it wasn't his choice for them to be so far away. He just didn't try to stop her from doing what she thought was best for her. He talks to them at least 3 or 4 times a week and emails them, sends them little happies, etc.

He doesn't hang up on her because he is so afraid that she will try to turn his children against him. I hear conversations that he has with them and I don't think that is possible for her to do, they think he hung the moon. And the oldest tells him quiet often how she is upset with her mom, and he does what any parent should do - he defends their mom and tells them that mom is doing what she thinks is best for them. I just have to wonder if she does the same if they ever show frustration with him because when he threatened suicide she told him if he didn't get help, she would be forced to tell them what was going on. Personally, I think the only thing she needs to tell those children is that sometimes daddy is really sad and needs a little extra love. Of course that is not my place to tell her how to converse with her children.

No he is not in therapy now, he has in the past and says that it didn't help. I have recently gone myself and tried to convince him to go with me. He fears that the counselor will tell me that I should leave but when I got home from my first session he asked when I was leaving - I told him that I wasn't. That I wanted to be here for him. He asked for what to watch him fall and I replied NO -TO HELP YOU GET BACK UP. Sometimes things like that seem to be getting through and make progress, but it just seems that everytime we make a little (or what seems like a lot) of progress, she finds a way to push him right back where he started.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:11pm
::Even though just a couple days before telling him this she was calling him, pretty much on a daily basis, cussing him and just screaming about any and everything. I recently found out that she has even told him that she wish she could erase him from her past.

Here is the problem. He never set boundaries with her and ended contact except in regards to the children.


Edited 4/19/2004 10:12 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie