need help, dont know how to get over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
need help, dont know how to get over it.
2
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 9:59am
I have been dating this guy for almost 2 years now and i have never felt for anyone the way i do about him. Unfortunately we have had problems and have broken up 2 times because i get real insecure about his exgirlfriend and somehow push him away w/ my stupidity. And now that we are back together and so happy i am here again because for some reason i cant get over my insecurity of him still wanting to be with her( even more b/c after our first breakup he went back to her but they just broke up.) I cant get HER out of my head. He is the best guy in the world and he has never done anything to make me insecure. i dont wanna idealize him but i know he would never be unfaithful or dishonest. It's something that i have done my self, and i cant let it ruin my relationship again. I know we love eachother and i know he wants to be w/ me. i also understand that everyone comes with baggage, so how do i get over these insecurities. I cant let that get in the way of my relationship anymore. It's caused too much pain already. but i really dont know wat todo. things are pretty clear to me about where he stands. what he wants and who he wants. so why does she still haunt me???? what can i do to help ease my fears? I am really desperate, please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 11:27am
Hi! This is more of a guess than anything. However, have you ever thought that maybe feeling insecure about him helps you avoid feelings of boredom? I only say that because I've had that problem with my SO. It seemed like as soon as I stopped feeling uneasy, boredom set-in. I KNEW it wasn't reasonable, so I looked deeper within myself.

I've read that for some people who have been betrayed, it's easier to get with an abusive guy, or in my case imagine that a good guy is abusive, because then you don't have to deal with possible disappointment. With a jerk, you pretty much know what to expect, and you already know what you're risking. However, if someone actually touches your heart, it can be scary. So scary it's easier to imagine him as a cheat or feel bored to distance yourself from the relationship in another way. Either way, the issue is not wanting to be hurt again.

Unfortunately, in avoiding getting hurt, we also avoid feeling love, happiness, pleasure, etc. My advice would be to ask yourself if there's anything that keeps you from wanting to get closer to him. Then you can ask yourself to fix it. It just might work! Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 5:14pm
I read some of your older posts. You seem to want to sabotage your relationship. Once one issue is resolved you move onto the next until you drive your boyfriend away. Has it always been this way? Have you been to counseling to workon your insecurity and jealousy? Maybe it is time.