need help... fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
need help... fast.
3
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 4:42pm

To make a long story short:

I am trying to save my marriage of a little over 2 years. We've been together for over 6 years. We have no children. Long story short: In July of last year (1.5 years ago), I had an affair. My husband worked out of town and usually spent a total of 48 hours a week in town, and when he was out of town I'd hardly ever hear from him. He'd disappear for days at a time. And when he was home, he was pretty miserable, from travelling so much. I felt pretty neglected. Not that that was an excuse AT ALL for what I did. Anwyays... he changed jobs right before the affair happened, so that he could be in town more often...

I moved out of the house afterwards, and my husband really wanted to work on things, make things work. We both made mistakes while I was 'out of the house' for 8 months. He lied to me and was seeing another girl (lied to her and told her he was divorced, when indeed he wasn't. Sent her flowers, met her parents, whole nine yards). Now, I am not innocent... I maintained contact (foolishly) with the guy I was in an affair with. I had a hard time letting go of him, I see now that I was addicted and that it was the dumbest thing I ever did. We both made lot of other mistakes that I won't blather on and on about. Long story short, we've made a lot of mistakes.

I moved home this past summer, in June. Was skittish about it, but needed to try for my own peace of mind. I felt like I hadn't given the marriage a chance. That he was in town more, etc.

Well, in September, my husband caught me having contact with the guy I had an affair with (very brief, I incidentally ran into him, and said a few words, and Murphy's law... one of his friend's saw me). Since then my husband has not made an OUNCE of effort towards our marraige. He says he no longer feels obligated to try.

I have been trying my hardest since that day. I think that that was the brick upside the head I needed. I have read boook after book, article after article, have been trying my hardest. We are in counseling, but he literally refuses to do ANYTYHING for the marriage. Tells the counselor so also. He's become verbally abusive, and has absolutely NO consideration whatesoever for my feelings or our marraige. He just does whatever he wants. But says that he's not sure what he wants, blah blah blah. He's pretty mean to me most of the time. Occasionally he will be nice, but not often. He blames everything on me (even though he's made a lot of mistakes too, to him, they are all my fault). A lot of the time he's nice after I just throw up my hands and refuse to try anymore...

I have told him that I need him to put effort into this marriage or I can't keep just puttting in effort and him not doing anything. He says he's not sure what he wants. I said I would give him time to figure it out. That is hard, since we live in the same house. I have been staying at a friend's.

All I want is my marriage back... I have been trying my hardest to back off, give him space. But it is so hard when all I want to do is shake him and make him see how much I am hurting (and have been hurting) and tell him how much I love him....

What am I supposed to do?? We have a counseling appt at 7 pm tonight. I told him last night that until he decided whether or not he wanted to give this marriage a chance to see if it would work, I wasn't going to put in any more effort at all. I feel so sick to my stomach....

KK

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 4:55pm

Welcome to the board kaykay,


Well, from where I sit, he knows exactly what he wants....


His words say: I don't know what I want.


Based on what you wrote and this (very brief, I incidentally ran into him, and said a few words, and Murphy's law... one of his friend's saw me). his actions say: I want to blame you, punish you, verbably abuse you, make you wrong, be right AND I want you to take it until I decide it's enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 5:03pm

Thank you carrie...

You are very right, although it hurts so much to hear it. I just wish he'd wake up and see what he's doing to us, this marriage and to me. I cry daily, in fact I'm sitting at my desk crying right now. It is embarrassing.

This has been going on for close to three months now. At first I did 'take it' and keep trying... because I felt like I had done things wrong, horribly wrong, and that I should maybe 'take' some of the meanness and show him that I could do what he needed me to do. But at this point, it is like the more I try to help us, the more he just sabbotages us and all of my effort. I just don't know what to do anymore-- how to make him see. All of the conventional methods just aren't working, but he claims if I move out of the house, it is over for good. Its like he's 'forcing' me to accept this, and if I don't, its over.

At this point, I just can't take this anymore. I can't take the constant disappointment and hurt and rejection over and over again. I don't want my marriage to be over, I really don't. I just don't know what else to do besides walk away for awhile... and hope that he realizes what he's missing.

Any other ideas?? What am I supposed to do?? I am so nauseated over our counseling session in 2 hours... I am so terrified. I just don't want this to be over....
KK

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 5:23pm

KK - if only I could hand you a real tissue.