Need Help with Girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Need Help with Girlfriend
3
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 6:15pm
Here's the situation. I have been dating this woman now for around 6 months time. She is everything I look for in somebody, smart, caring, beautiful, etc. We have alot in common and get along great.

With that aside, her is my issue. She has one habit that she can not get over. She never lets things go. For example, about 4 months ago she broke her friendship with her best friend who happens to be her boss over some petty matter. Since that time, her boss has made her job a little difficult. On top of things, she has been struggling at work over the past few months mainly due to some mistakes she has made at work.

She finally did something about it and got a new job. However, she cannot get over the actions of her former best friend. Almost everytime we go out, I have to hear a discussion about this former friend and how manipulative she is. At some point I would expect a 37 year old woman to be able to get over this issue. It's starting to really dampen our relationship. I have talked to her calmly about it in the past.

So last night we go out to dinner and her former friend happens to be there. So she freaks out and starts complaining again about this woman. So I tell her that we should forget about her tonight and have a great time ourselves. She agrees but continues to go on and on about this girl. Finally, I tell her that this topic is getting annoying. She gets pissed at me.

So we fight all night about various stuff after which I tell her that she is alittle to emotionally immature sometimes. So she takes that as a big insult. Finally, I told her that I really care about her and want her to be happy. I want her to enjoy her new job and forget about her past one. I basically want to be there for her. But at this point she is pissed at me for saying that this topic is annoying and that she is alittle emotionally mature.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. Any advice would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 6:48pm
No one, male or female likes to be told that they are emotionally immature and need to "get over it".

She hasn't learned that everything happens for a reason, that if she didn't have the issue with that coworker that she would not be enjoying her new job. So, what to do - next time she talks about this woman - I'd say, I can hear how upset this still makes you, do you think that seeing someone to talk about it, like a counselor would help?

Be prepared, she will be upset, etc and this may even end the relationship, and maybe that should be part of the discussion. "I see how much so-and-so hurt you and how angry it still makes you. I want to support you through this, yet I'm having trouble knowing what the right thing to say is and I don't feel quailifed to help you through it, because of this issue making an impact on our relationship and not being resolved I feel that we have two choices 1) counseling or 2) breaking up.

Hmm, or give her this website and see if she'll post here and or ask for advice?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 9:40pm
Considering that I'm a female too and I know how emotional we get, I've probably been her several times. Hopefully I didn't annoy the heck out of the ppl around me AS bad as she is you.

There is one person I tend to not let drop either because it just hits a nerve that has gone back a long way. I will say though as time passes and other problems come up I forget about things so I change to other things to complain about.

If my boyfriend had the same problem with me, the way I hope he would handle it would be to listen for a little bit and if I didn't get off it try to change the subject or to make me laugh about something, make a joke so things aren't so serious. Not like why did the chicken cross the road thing but you know what I mean. If i'm ever in a bad mood or am upset about something the best thing to do is to make me smile.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 7:13am
I think if it were me whenever she would start in on the ex-friend I would say something positive about it. Like if she started saying "she stabbed me in the back, etc." I would say "well, at least you found out what kind of person she really is so you can move on with your life" or "if she hadn't been that way you'd still be stuck in that same job." or "You'd feel better if you could forgive her and let this matter go"... She might get the hint eventually? Iri