Need help, he can't marry her!!!
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| Sat, 08-04-2007 - 5:18pm |
Dear Brenda,
I have to tell you something that is just making me suffer so much. I hope you can help, as you are an expert and I'm so young..I'm 21 years old.
3 years ago I started an affair with a boy who is engaged from 9 years.He is now 35. He told me he loves his girlfriend, but he felt he was missing something in that relationship because she looked at him like a friend and wanted to have sex just once a month. He said she told him she didn't feel any need to make on a regular basis, that she was happy like that, from time to time.
In the meanwhile, our relationship grew and I really think he is happy with me, because he showed it to me various times, and he always said it, because we have a perfect feeling, in and out of the bed. He is my lover and my best friend.
The problem is: he is shallow. He is stuck in this relationship from 9 years, doesn't have the liver to break up with her because he is full of doubts. He knows he would be happy with me, but to him it's more convenient to stay with her because I'm not indipendent financially, I'm still at my parent's house, and he is building himself a house to live in. She wants to go to live with him and he finds too difficult to break up after a whole life he has spent with her. He also fears her reaction, her family's reaction and he's scared to be alone, that if it wouldn't work he would have lost everything and he doesn't want, at 35, to be single.In other words, he wouldn't mess up his settled life for something unsure, with risks.
Brenda, I need advice. She wants to move in after 9 years. The following logical step will be marriage and children. He doesn't love her, and if he marries her, his marriage would be his prison, because he would always hide that he cheats on her, and his all life would be made of lies and hidden secrets. Until he is engaged he's still in time to change things. But if he involves marriage and kids it will be always more irrespectful and painful for both of them.
I wanna face him and tell him all this stuff, but I don't know which words to use, because I want to be tactful, and I want to make him feel I'm reasoning with him he is unhappy, not that I'm making pressure on him, or he would run like hell. I don't want to hurt him or make him think I'm just judging him. I wanna warn my baby he would make the biggest mistake of his life. Please help me!!

Welcome to the board slimhiller,
I'm not sure why you've entered into a relationship with a guy that is already committed on some level to someone else. You've made it easy for him to stay with her.
'doesn't have the liver to break up with her because he is full of doubts. He knows he would be happy with me, but to him it's more convenient to stay with her'
Imagine that the two of you get together and he finally leaves her. Then your relationship has problems. Now imagine that he is saying the same thing about you to his next girlfriend. You can't and won't ever trust him. He cheats on women.
If he is 'shallow' as you say then why do you want to be with him?
If he is leading on this woman then what makes you think that he won't do the same to you?
Why not pursue someone is available? Why put up with this? Stop analysing him, leave him and start concentrating on yourself.
He can and probably will marry her unless she finds out what a liar and cheat he is and dumps him. He doesn't respect, or love either one of you..How can he when he is lying and cheating, how do those two things relate to love in any way?
He is not full of doubts he is full of BS. If he actually wanted to be with you he would break it off with her and be with you. He hasn't, so he doesn't. He is in control of his life as you are in control of yours. He has his cake and eats it too, and you are playing along with it, besides him being 14 years older than you, please wake up and realize he is using you, and that is all it is. You have your whole life ahead of you, why do you want to waste your precious time on a cheat and liar, that has no respect for himself or you? More than likely if he does it with you he will do it to you. What goes around comes around. You deserve so much better than what he is giving you. Dump his butt and find someone for you that is not in a relationship with someone else. If not, and you continue on with this you have no one to blame but yourself, for the hurt and it will come. Good luck.
Welcome to the board slimhiller,
He is happy with the way things are now. He can have a stable life with her and also have his fun with you.
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All you can do here is let him know how you feel. Tell him what you've told me. Say it calmly and clearly. Then it's up to him to decide. No one can change another person or change the way they view their life. It seems as though he may want to have this settled relationship, and have lovers on the side. This is not a solution you would choose and you may feel he will be in a prison, but once again, all you can do is let him know how you think and realize it is up to him to make his choice.
If he chooses to stay in the relationship with the other woman, I strongly urge you to think carefully about remaining in the relationship. It can only bring you loneliness and pain.
Best wishes,
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