Need help-I am Ruining my relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Need help-I am Ruining my relationship
4
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:35pm
I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months. We have been on vacation together, I have met his friends and have been introduced to his parents, we spend just about every day together. He would do anything for me I believe. I love him very much but I have not been able to tell him this. I have not been able to tell him about any feelings that I have for him. It’s not him though it’s me 100%. I do this in every relationship. I always feel like I am the only one that has these feelings and that if I tell the other person how I truly feel, well then they will tell me that they don’t feel the same way. And of course no one wants to hear that. But I know deep down that’s not true in this situation. My current boyfriend is a great man. We always have a great time together and I don’t want to ruin this. I feel closer to him then I have any other boyfriend. I have to say that I am doing much better in this relationship; this is the best relationship I have ever had. I feel that deep down the two of us may have a future together. Our connection is pretty strong. I just cant overcome this issue.

I have always waited around for him to be the one to express how he feels first, but he hasn’t. And I get frustrated a lot that he hasn’t. But why would he? He just thinks I am a brat that gets frustrated all the time. If only he knew why I was frustrated though……

So I guess you can see my dilemma. I have a great thing going for me and I don’t want to ruin it. I almost feel like I will face this problem my whole life! It is so hard for me to open up and I dont know why. I want to overcome this. What should I do?? I really need some advice. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:57pm
Try writing him a letter about everything you feel, don't give it to him, then re-write it, then practice reading it aloud. After you feel comfortable, then either give him the letter or make an attempt at speaking up. Since you know it's a problem with you, then work on it. Have you considered short-term counseling to help you get through it?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 3:17am
Well I don't think it's really necessary for you to tell this man how you feel. I'm sure he already knows how much you care about him. But if you really feel you need to tell him, why don't you write him a letter similar to the one you posted on here? Just say something like : I'm writing you this letter to let you know how much you mean to me... or something like that. You shouldn't be seeking for a response... you share your emotions to let him know how special he is and how much you care about him. He will more than likely respond somehow , but maybe not the way you want. What I mean is men are different creatures than us wonderful females! They don't always get all gushy and open up about love and all that. But that doesnt' mean he doesnt' care about you. A certain look or smile can say it all... or a hug or kiss after reading your letter.

Most importantly you need to not look so deep into this, it's not a big deal it's really not! If things are great, dont mess with it ! Just keep going like you have been and don't question the little things and freak out! Sounds like you have a great relationship so just keep it going like it has been taking one day at a time.

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:37am
this is similar to the situation I am in (which I described in a recent post). . .i accept that men are different, but it is still absolutely perplexing to me why they have such a different relationship to their emotions than women do.

i believe that my boyfriend cares a lot about me, but he recently told me that he doesn't want to talk about his feelings. i felt a lot like the original poster and recently broached the topic (without actually telling him i love him) and that was the response I got from him. i respected that and have not pressed him since and everything is now as it used to be. . .easy, fun. . .but i just wish there was more forward motion.

anyway, i guess the scariest thing about sharing your emotions with someone is that you have no control over their response.

i have been in many situations where i have felt guys felt just as strongly for me as i for them (sometimes even more strongly) judging from their actions, looks, etc., but i think maybe guys just don't attach certain labels to things as easily as girls do. for a guy, saying "i love you" might entail a greater threshold. i think some guys might like "i love you" means "i think you are the perfect guy for me and i want to marry you tomorrow and have your babies" when all you really mean is "you make me happy and i'm glad you're in my life right now." would you agree?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:08pm

You say you fear expressing your feelings and that