Need help with insecure boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Need help with insecure boyfriend
2
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:50pm
Hi everyone - I am pretty new to this, but could really use some advise. I am currently with the man I intend to marry, and things are great except for one aspect of our relationship. He is very insecure about himself and he thinks he is not good enough for me. He is a wonderful loving man, but this insecurity is causing problems. When things out of the ordinary happen (during a normal day) he gets suspicious and starts to think I might be doing something behind his back. Example: I had a great boss until recently, and since I "talk him up" so to speak, my boyfriend is convinced that my old boss and I had a relationship/interest in each other. This is not true.

There have been other instances where he has accused me of doing something or of having feelings for another man, but they all lead back to his insecurity. He is afraid he will not be able to provide for our family, and thinks I will be better off with someone else.

It is like a bad thought will enter his mind when we are apart(sometimes for no reason) and it will feed on his insecurities and fears until that bad thought comsumes him. I have tried helping him through this. I always remind him how much I love him and that he is the only one for me. We talk about this all the time. We have started going to church, and it has helped tremendously, but we still need more help to overcome this.

Does anyone have any suggestions please? I truly love this man and I want to try anything to make this work. I have encouraged him to talk to his pastor, but it is hard for him to swallow his pride and ask for help. I thought if anyone could recommend anything, I would be so very thankful.

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:00pm
Im sorry you have this going on. You may not agree with what I have to say, but there is reason and I hope only that I at least make you think on it. If you can verify that this is NOT an issue, then wonderful, if it is, I feel I must bring it to your attention.

This sounds as if every man who comes into your life is infact a threat to your feelings for him. Though you might not see it as such, though he does care for you, he might also have a bit of control issues, because this is going to end up making it to where you cant speak to a man without 'flirting' or 'scouting' for men. It will make. you. totally. BONKERS!

That is not fair to you.

I warn you that until he does get some help from a third party, you will be dealing with this, because it eats him up inside and there is a reason somewhere. Also, it will not change just because you two marry, either. Be ready for that and face it head on. Even if he says that it will, he cant know that right now, but from my experience, it made it worse. (My ex had this) It got to the point where if someone asked me for something, they were "hitting on his wife". I could have no male friends at first, then friends period, and then I was alienated from my family, and then I was abused. (Physically and emotionally)

Some things that might hint at this is if he ever, even once, gets jealous over people that he KNOWS are harmless, such as your family. Even little barbs can carry very weighty meaning.

The reason that this is a concern and you should seek SOMEONE out, is this: Its not justified and he is totally transfixed on it. I dont like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:38pm
Thanks for your reply, Randa. I am truly sorry to hear of your past problems. I do appreciate your bringing this type of situation to my attention. I have given this alot of thought, and I do not fear that this will turn into an abusive or alienating situation. I know it will not get better if we marry unless we get help. I am very certain that with help he (and we) can start to overcome this.

We both truly love each other more than anything. Most days are wonderful, full of love, affection, etc, but it is not like a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde thing. I see no signs of anger or feelings that could lead to abuse. He doesn't turn just because a man talks to me. It's as though a little spark of doubt enters his mind, and then grows. He knows this is a problem within himself, and that it is not me. He wants to make this better, but doesn't know how. I am most concerned that he will start becoming depressed and more insecure about himself, and send me away for what he feels will be "my own good".

I truly love this man and want to overcome this.