Need help - no comparison
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Need help - no comparison
| Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:11pm |
My fiance decided to call off the wedding two months before our wedding date. He told me that he needs to live life and experience what is out there. Throughout our eight year relationship, he has always had these feels but was able to keep them down. He told me that with the wedding getting closer and closer these feelings just got worse. He hasn't been able to sleep or think. He loves me and our relationship. He says it's the best, but unfortunately, he has nothing to compare it to. I am the only girl that he has dated and kissed. We never had sex because we wanted to wait till we were married. He says that he still wants me to be the first. I love him deeply, but I am miserable without him. Since the news, I have been living with some friends. It has been one week. I keep hoping that he will call to get back togther. We are still on talking terms and are very able to have a civil conversation. We both agree that we want to keep each other in our lives. He is so confused and so am I. Should I wait for him or move on? I can't imagine my life without him. We are both moping around wondering what to do. Please help!!!

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Have you two thought of getting premarital counseling to see what others may think of your compatibility? Dating a bunch of people and selecting one out of the hoards is not really the best indicator of future success, in my opinion. Originally, it was supposed to be one man and one woman for life. What's wrong with that? People just get jaded if they have lots of "experience". It is my belief that fornication is the single biggest ruination of people's hearts and souls. They just get so they can't feel for others much.
However, if your guy wants to go down that path, unfortunately, there's probably not a lot you can do about it. It's heart-breaking! For sure! I guess if I were you I would try to see if he is willing to share your same values, and, if he isn't, find someone who does. All my best to you!
I've had guys break-up with me before because I wouldn't. After a week or two, they'd come crawling back begging for a second chance a lot of times. Like a dummy, I'd take them back. The same thing would start back up again, constant pressuring for sex. How I didn't love him if I didn't, etc. My self-image really suffered because I felt that if a guy wanted sex before marriage that he didn't love me. So I know how much pressure that can present and how hard it is to feel undesirable for such a stupid thing. It was such a relief when my counselor identified what my boyfriends did as abusive.
It's just a thought, but have you ever thought that maybe he's just manipulating you to get you to give-in? I know eight years is a long time, but if he's getting it somewhere else, what is it to him to leave you hanging? I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes guys have running bets on this sort of thing.
I know you haven't exactly said he's pressuring you, but I can sort of infer it between the lines, and if he's leaving you insecure about committment and yet implying it the unspoken message could be, "I will, if..." It's really unfair for someone to hold out something as precious as love to try to get something, but some do.
When I went back with those guys, I did things that I wouldn't have done if it hadn't been for all the pressure. I HATE every single memory. I also hate the memories with my ex-husband, even. If it isn't meaningful, in the end it's just painful. If a guy isn't considerate about your feelings, whether spoken or implied, he just doesn't care. I certainly hope that's not the case for you, but if it is, I would encourage you to hold out for a man who cares about your feelings as much as his own. It's taken me years, but I feel I have finally found a man who cares about me as much as he does himself.
All my best to you!
No disrespect meant, but have you ever visited the "Clashing Libidos" board here at ivillage?? You would be totally *amazed* at how many healthy, heterosexual males have no or very low sex drives. LOL. Society has us all believing that "men are all horndogs", haha, NOT!! So many women are in torment and pain because their otherwise totally normal men aren't interested in sex with them. Or anyone. This is kind of off topic but your attitude about "men always want sex" just inspired me to let you know that No, men don't "always want sex." There's a whole sea of men out there that don't conform to this old wives' tale.
Eight years is a long time. Rather than moping around waiting for this guy, it's better for you to realize that unless he gets help with his deep conflict here, nothing is going to change. Clearly, he can't come to terms with getting married without having had his time as a single man. I would let him go and have his single life. Don't wait for him. Although you love him, this man is not presently marriage material and even if he did marry you, this same conflict would most certainly come up later on. You've given enough time and emotion to the situation. It would be a mistake to put your life on hold and wait for him. You have no idea how long this would take or what his ultimate decision would be. He might find he likes the single life. He might meet someone else - or his inability to committ might just stay there in all cases. There is no security for you in this situation.
Go forward. Let the past be the past. Take the good things you've had with you. And don't stay in his life as "friends". This is a simply a way to keep you hanging onto him, not moving on, and letting him both have your friendship and also have the ability to date others. It's a bad idea and also unhealthy for you. He won't know what he's lost until he's lost it anyway. If he realizes that you are really gone, that may wake him up and bring him to his senses. But don't count on it. It's better to let this go and move fowrard for your own well being.
All good wishes,
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
LOL. Like I said, I think you would be highly enlightened by visiting "Clashing Libidos" a few times. That board is full of sexy, vibrant, attractive, lustful women who light candles, dress in teddies, buy massage oil and beg for a little attention, only to have their man plunk himself in front of the TV and wonder what on earth she is doing and why. Trust me, although you may find it hard to believe, there are plenty of men who are not interested in sex and it is not because they are "getting it somewhere else." I guess unless you have been there, you truly don't know. :^)
You're kidding, right?
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