Need help - no comparison

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Need help - no comparison
21
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:11pm
My fiance decided to call off the wedding two months before our wedding date. He told me that he needs to live life and experience what is out there. Throughout our eight year relationship, he has always had these feels but was able to keep them down. He told me that with the wedding getting closer and closer these feelings just got worse. He hasn't been able to sleep or think. He loves me and our relationship. He says it's the best, but unfortunately, he has nothing to compare it to. I am the only girl that he has dated and kissed. We never had sex because we wanted to wait till we were married. He says that he still wants me to be the first. I love him deeply, but I am miserable without him. Since the news, I have been living with some friends. It has been one week. I keep hoping that he will call to get back togther. We are still on talking terms and are very able to have a civil conversation. We both agree that we want to keep each other in our lives. He is so confused and so am I. Should I wait for him or move on? I can't imagine my life without him. We are both moping around wondering what to do. Please help!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:40pm
I don't know how old you and your fiance are, and I know you are hurting right now so I don't want this to come off harsh but IMHO I think your fiance did you a giant favor by being honest with you before it was too late. I say this because I went through the same thing as you but I was not as lucky, my guy left me AFTER we got married. We were high school sweethearts and I was the only girlfriend he had ever had. We got married at 18 and two years later he realized he had made a mistake and there was a whole big world out there that he was missing out on, all kinds of other women he never got a chance to date. He had started hanging around with a bunch of guy friends who were single, who could stay out and party as late as they wanted, and here he had to come home to me. Well he started being more and more distant and I tried to be the best wife I could be and tried to talk to him and make things better but nothing helped and one day he point blank told me, "I just don't think I love you enough to spend the rest of my life with you" and he rented a Uhaul trailer and packed up all his stuff and left me. I was devastated and my family was in shock. Thank God we had not had any children yet. I still bear the painful scars to this day. So believe me I know how bad you hurt and how awful you feel but please try to realize how lucky you are that at least your guy was honest with you before you went through the ceremony. It's much better this way, trust me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:00am
I can't disagree with the other person's response. However, I also can't help wondering what it is your SO thinks he might be missing. Sure, he may not have anyone to compare you to, or even you to compare you to since you're waiting, apparently. I just think he's letting his vain imagination run away with him. What does he think is out there any way, venereal disease? I mean, really.

Have you two thought of getting premarital counseling to see what others may think of your compatibility? Dating a bunch of people and selecting one out of the hoards is not really the best indicator of future success, in my opinion. Originally, it was supposed to be one man and one woman for life. What's wrong with that? People just get jaded if they have lots of "experience". It is my belief that fornication is the single biggest ruination of people's hearts and souls. They just get so they can't feel for others much.

However, if your guy wants to go down that path, unfortunately, there's probably not a lot you can do about it. It's heart-breaking! For sure! I guess if I were you I would try to see if he is willing to share your same values, and, if he isn't, find someone who does. All my best to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:57am
I keep going over your situation in my mind and I feel I may not have said everything. I hate to be a cynic, but my life experiences have made me that way. I can't help wondering why, if he's so faithful, he isn't stomping at the bit, so to speak, to get married after 8 years, even after two. Healthy, heterosexual males have a sex drive as far I know. I also wonder why you said you moved in with your friends after you said he called off the engagement. Were you living together? I'm not judging you, it just sounds like he's getting together with you, then breaking-up again, getting engaged, breaking it off all with the intent of getting you to compromise your values, little by little.

I've had guys break-up with me before because I wouldn't. After a week or two, they'd come crawling back begging for a second chance a lot of times. Like a dummy, I'd take them back. The same thing would start back up again, constant pressuring for sex. How I didn't love him if I didn't, etc. My self-image really suffered because I felt that if a guy wanted sex before marriage that he didn't love me. So I know how much pressure that can present and how hard it is to feel undesirable for such a stupid thing. It was such a relief when my counselor identified what my boyfriends did as abusive.

It's just a thought, but have you ever thought that maybe he's just manipulating you to get you to give-in? I know eight years is a long time, but if he's getting it somewhere else, what is it to him to leave you hanging? I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes guys have running bets on this sort of thing.

I know you haven't exactly said he's pressuring you, but I can sort of infer it between the lines, and if he's leaving you insecure about committment and yet implying it the unspoken message could be, "I will, if..." It's really unfair for someone to hold out something as precious as love to try to get something, but some do.

When I went back with those guys, I did things that I wouldn't have done if it hadn't been for all the pressure. I HATE every single memory. I also hate the memories with my ex-husband, even. If it isn't meaningful, in the end it's just painful. If a guy isn't considerate about your feelings, whether spoken or implied, he just doesn't care. I certainly hope that's not the case for you, but if it is, I would encourage you to hold out for a man who cares about your feelings as much as his own. It's taken me years, but I feel I have finally found a man who cares about me as much as he does himself.

All my best to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:34pm
I guess I should explain myself further. I was in a seven year relationship before this one. I am 30 years old. It was verbally abusive, so I left. I have had sex before. My ex-fiance has never had sex with anyone. He wanted to wait till marriage, so I didn't pressure him. He's not the type of guy to go around sleeping with women. In fact, he's probably at home right now moping. We still communicate via email everyday. I'm sorry you got the wrong idea. He says that I make him very happy, but if you don't know how bad a relationship can get, then you don't know how happy you can be. I have been through both, so I know. I just wonder if he is going to come back to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:06pm
"Healthy, heterosexual males have a sex drive as far I know."

No disrespect meant, but have you ever visited the "Clashing Libidos" board here at ivillage?? You would be totally *amazed* at how many healthy, heterosexual males have no or very low sex drives. LOL. Society has us all believing that "men are all horndogs", haha, NOT!! So many women are in torment and pain because their otherwise totally normal men aren't interested in sex with them. Or anyone. This is kind of off topic but your attitude about "men always want sex" just inspired me to let you know that No, men don't "always want sex." There's a whole sea of men out there that don't conform to this old wives' tale.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:22am

Eight years is a long time. Rather than moping around waiting for this guy, it's better for you to realize that unless he gets help with his deep conflict here, nothing is going to change. Clearly, he can't come to terms with getting married without having had his time as a single man. I would let him go and have his single life. Don't wait for him. Although you love him, this man is not presently marriage material and even if he did marry you, this same conflict would most certainly come up later on. You've given enough time and emotion to the situation. It would be a mistake to put your life on hold and wait for him. You have no idea how long this would take or what his ultimate decision would be. He might find he likes the single life. He might meet someone else - or his inability to committ might just stay there in all cases. There is no security for you in this situation.


Go forward. Let the past be the past. Take the good things you've had with you. And don't stay in his life as "friends". This is a simply a way to keep you hanging onto him, not moving on, and letting him both have your friendship and also have the ability to date others. It's a bad idea and also unhealthy for you. He won't know what he's lost until he's lost it anyway. If he realizes that you are really gone, that may wake him up and bring him to his senses. But don't count on it. It's better to let this go and move fowrard for your own well being.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:44am
Points taken, ladies. However, how do you know they don't have sex drives? Perhaps I didn't read the post as carefully as I could have. Still, I wonder what you meant by if you don't know how bad it can get, you don't know how good it can be. Was that referring to him or you? Because you said you'd been in a verbally abusive relationship. I know how bad it can be, probably as much as anyone, but I have to admit, I've yet to be certain I've experience how good it can be. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:58pm
"However, how do you know they don't have sex drives?"

LOL. Like I said, I think you would be highly enlightened by visiting "Clashing Libidos" a few times. That board is full of sexy, vibrant, attractive, lustful women who light candles, dress in teddies, buy massage oil and beg for a little attention, only to have their man plunk himself in front of the TV and wonder what on earth she is doing and why. Trust me, although you may find it hard to believe, there are plenty of men who are not interested in sex and it is not because they are "getting it somewhere else." I guess unless you have been there, you truly don't know. :^)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:15am
I would expect you to have some antagonism towards me, based upon the name you chose. My final word is that I've know LOTS of people who claimed no sex drives who were literal sex addicts. I think a lot of people lie. Don't talk to me about "not knowing". I've had the misfortune to have known lots and lots of "closet perves". LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:40pm
"I would expect you to have some antagonism towards me, based upon the name you chose."

You're kidding, right?

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