Need help - no comparison

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Need help - no comparison
21
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:11pm
My fiance decided to call off the wedding two months before our wedding date. He told me that he needs to live life and experience what is out there. Throughout our eight year relationship, he has always had these feels but was able to keep them down. He told me that with the wedding getting closer and closer these feelings just got worse. He hasn't been able to sleep or think. He loves me and our relationship. He says it's the best, but unfortunately, he has nothing to compare it to. I am the only girl that he has dated and kissed. We never had sex because we wanted to wait till we were married. He says that he still wants me to be the first. I love him deeply, but I am miserable without him. Since the news, I have been living with some friends. It has been one week. I keep hoping that he will call to get back togther. We are still on talking terms and are very able to have a civil conversation. We both agree that we want to keep each other in our lives. He is so confused and so am I. Should I wait for him or move on? I can't imagine my life without him. We are both moping around wondering what to do. Please help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 6:25am
I want to venture the suggestion that maybe he's so afraid/unwilling to try sex that he runs away from the entire relationship just as it was about to get "serious" (married) and thus, sexual.

"My ex-fiance has never had sex with anyone. He wanted to wait till marriage, so I didn't pressure him. He's not the type of guy to go around sleeping with women." Not that there is anything wrong with this, but is he sexual and/or affectionate in other physical ways?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:01pm
Yes, he is very affectionate. Just because we haven't had sex does not me we didn't satisfy ourselves in other ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 8:38am
This is the same advice my friends are giving me. However, I am currently living with his best friend and wife. I don't want him to lose his best friend, but I am very close friends with the wife. We are all hoping that sometime in the future we can all be in the same room together since our lives are all weaved into one anothers. Throughout all this, my ex and I have been able to talk about us and other topics. Yes, it hurts to talk to him and see him, but at the same time, I look forward to seeing him. I know that I should cut off all contact with him, so he can miss me. I have really made an effort of not calling or emailing him, and I have done so successfully. It's only been two weeks. Will it get easier? I am terrified about being by myself. I have never lived by myself, and I can't remember the last time I was single. I think it was high school and I'm 30 now. What do I do in the meantime?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 9:14pm
There's a lot of confusion going on here, so can we sort some things out?

You were living together, having sex but no intercourse? Eight years and he never tried intercourse, because of religious reasons, or what, what were his reasons for waiting until marriage?

He's had these feelings about wanting to break up and experience the world for eight years? What does he mean by experience? Does he want to have intercourse with you first, then others, or do you mean he wants to date lots but wait to come back to you for the actual marriage and intercourse? I think if after eigth years he can't make a commitment or have intercourse/get married (pick the order), I think he is either never going to want either or at least not in this relationship. I mean who can't make up there mind after eight years, that's a bit much, I think he knows full well what he's getting at, but he's not really telling you. Either that, or he's one bad risk to put your life on hold for, I'd run away from all this as fast as I could, no matter how much I thought I loved him!

How old is he? What's his prior dating been like? How did you meet and how did you become involved? Why have you put your life on hold through all this, what did you want to happen.....and I don't mean just that he'd marry you, how did you think he'd change in the romantic department once you got married?

My guess is that he's either gay or he has a low sex drive either because intercourse scares him (fear of performance/pregnancy/STDs) or he's not sexually attracted to you. That may sound harsh, but at this point you really need to find out the truth because you have wasted a very long time on this relationship that isn't working out at all.

As for healthy heterosexual men having low or no sex drive, believe me there are lots of them out there and they will break your heart and make you insane trying to figure out what's wrong with you (when it's about them not you).

Please don't place your hopes on this changing into anything but what it is. This man isn't going to change, he's who he is. It doesn't matter about one man for one woman, or being someone's first, or unconditional love, or any of that, what the point here is that this man is NOT going to make a real commitment to you and could keep you hanging around for the rest of your life, waiting for something that is never going to happen.

Do you want a good husband and a family (because your biological clock IS ticking), a happy life with a healthy relationship, if you want a healthy sex life and peace of mind, you need to cut your loses here and find the RIGHT man for you. Considering that you need to grive over this relationship, heal, find the man you should be with and the time that all takes, you are talking about several more years. You are still young now, but honestly this man has wasted 8 years of it, the man before him wasted 7 years of it; don't you think NOW is the time for YOU to get the life you want?

As for my username LOL I majored in psychology in college, I'm not a nut case, in case golightly wants to make some nasty comment on my name too. ;-)

A last question, cluiss, how do you feel about sex, how do you feel about how your sex life has been the last eight years, and what kind of sex life would you like to have? How you feel is what's important here, not what anybody else thinks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 8:45am
My ex-fiance wanted to wait till marriage because he was mainly worried about pregnancy out of wedlock. It was also important to him to have sex with his wife. I had been taken advantage of sexually in the past, so for him to want to wait till marriage was not a problem for me. We were able to satisfy each other in other ways. He is 29. And no, he does not have a low sex drive. The minute he touches me he gets very excited. And we were very physical with each other. He never dated any other girls before me, so he has no else to compare with me. All his friends tried to tell him that he was making a mistake and that he hit a home run with me, but some people just need to experience it for themselves. Neither one of us want to children, so I'm not worried about the biological clock. And I never pressured him into proposing. He knew that I wanted to get married to him. That's why he proposed. I don't regret spending eight years with him. It was great!!! I'm not going to put my life on hold for him, but if he decided to start dating again after months apart, I would do it. I won't live with him again until he really proposes and we elope. He's not a player, so I trust that he is not out there having sex with other women. He just wants to be sure that the emotional connection between us is what is right for him. At least he did this before the wedding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 11:07am
I don't know why you wish to make this personal. However, the Bible says, who can find a virtuous woman? Is that the problem?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:44pm
"I don't know why you wish to make this personal. However, the Bible says, who can find a virtuous woman? Is that the problem?"

Ummmmmm.......Okay. LOL!



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 7:48am

I don't know why you wish to make this personal. However, the Bible says, who can find a virtuous woman? Is that the problem?


How can you say they made it personal when you attacked a poster because her username was jezibell?


As for the OP, I think you seem to have a good handle on this situation, hopefully this will all work out for the both of you and you will find what it is that you need, whether or not that is one another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:39am
"My ex-fiance wanted to wait till marriage because he was mainly worried about pregnancy out of wedlock."

"Neither one of us want to children, so I'm not worried about the biological clock."

Now I'm completely confused.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:33pm
I have been on birth control since I was 18 because my body cannot handle stress and I develop painful ovarian cysts. My ex was not 100% confident in the pill, so he didn't want to take any chances before we got married. Also, he wanted his first sexual experience to be without a condom. If we waited until we were married and by chance I didget pregnant, we could deal with the pregnancy as a married couple. One of my pet peeves with woman ages 20+ is when they accidently get pregnant. I understand that this could happen, but as long as you take all the precautions, your chances are slim. We just wanted to be prepared for anything. He was raised in a very loving home with values. I don't know if anyone on this board will believe me when I say that he is the best person that I have ever met. He had all the things I was looking for in a husband and friend. I very much miss talking to him about my day. I am trying to be strong and give him his space. If it is meant to be, he will come back to me. Otherwise, I just have to learn to live without him.