Need Help Please..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Need Help Please..
2
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:19am

I have been with my husband for 7 years and this is my second marriage and his first. I have three children from my first marriage and when I first met him, he was in graduate school and knew that I could not have anymore children and did not want any of his own and while initially I felt that later on down the road he would and even tried to explain that he would later change his mind and feel differently, he assured me would not, and that he was content they way things were. Fast forward several years, he decides that he DOES want children of his own, so we decide to pursue IVF since I have had a tubal, and the first one failed and on our second attempt we are told we must use donor egg. We will need more money and this is a source of frustration for us and our relationship. My husband struggles with the fact that he must "share" the children with their biological father, and every time he comes to pick them up for a visit, my husband gets pouty and we have the "I don't have my own children", and "I'm just a step dad" talk. A few days ago, my children had to leave to go for a visit, and we celebrated Fathers Day early, they made a home made cake, made gifts, decorated the house as a surprise, and after they were in bed, he tells me his "not happy", and is "tired of being a step dad". My children are 10, 13, and 15. We have talked and talked and talked and he now wants to adopt. I feel that if we don't adopt or have a child then we (my children and I) just are not good enough. That he will not be happy with just us, or us as a couple. He knew this going into our relationship, I TOLD him this, tried to explain this to him.

He is a wonderful step dad to the kiddo's, they call him dad, he does all of the dad things, has endless patience, helps with homework, we do things as a family etc. But at this point, I just feel like I got the old bait and switch. My children are getting older, and I was looking forward to spending our time together after the children...not starting over again. In the beginning when we were dating, he was very romantic, with flowers and candles etc, and I told him the other day that I would like MORE of that, and he is not receptive to it. I feel as if he sees me as some kind of baby factory only but is more than happy to just check out other women while we are out to dinner and such. Its as if I'm good enough to cook and clean and be a made but thats it.

Sorry this turned out to be so long, sometimes it helps to just write it out, I understand if it is too long to read !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:34pm
I've been through this but from the other end. I don't think it makes him a bad person. In my case,we both had kids and we both didn't want anymore. But at a certain point, I just wanted his baby.I can't even reasonably explain why, it was just something I deeply needed and it was a dealbreaker for me, it would have caused resentment and unhappiness in me never to be able to have his baby and it would have destoyed the relationship. So I chose to leave rather than go through that. I love him deeply and completely but for some reason him alone wasn't enough, I needed his baby, and couldn't stay without it. It's sad that your husband changed his mind years and years into it rather before you got serious, but I don't think his desire for his own child lessens his love for you and your children.You have to ask yourself can you have another baby for him? Or would it be too much for you in the long run?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:35pm
sorry you have to live through this bait-n-switch. i've been there and understand how wrong that is to do to someone. if you do not want to have more kids....please don't. they deserve a mom that wants them, not one that only wants them to keep a man. what he did isn't fair or right.