Need Help Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Need Help Please
24
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 9:16am
Earlier this year, I met a wonderful woman online through one of the dating sites. My profile on the dating site indicated that I had recently moved to Memphis, I was 38 yrs old and divorced. The site matched us as a 100% perfect match and it appears that we are. We have similar beliefs, similar values, similar interests, similar goals, similar dietary preferences, and a similar sense of humor.

We chatted online and emailed for a week before deciding to meet. We got along very well and she wanted to see me almost daily but she didn’t want to have sex until we got to know each other better, which was fine with me. She has two beautiful children 5 and 6 year old boys but didn’t have a regular baby sitter so going out alone was difficult. Still I was content to take the whole family out to dinner, spending most evenings with them and had fun being a part of their family. Two weeks went by before we made love and it was wonderful. I am a thoughtful and romantic lover and it was always good whether we were making love with one another or just having sex. Occasionally she liked to be a little submissive and bound. This was new to me but she encouraged me to learn about playing the dominant male and I did although be it respectfully.



During this time she bought her own house and I worked with her parent, brother in-law and sister to move her. We all got along very well together and I think we enjoyed each others company. From this point on she wouldn’t let me go home at night and I ended up putting my clothes and things at her house so I wouldn’t need to go home.

We couldn’t live without each other. We spoke 5 or 6 times during the day to each other and always wanted to be together. I had never intended to fall in love. However, after getting to know her and staying with her for a while I fell in love with her. As time went on she told me that she loved me also and I fell more deeply in love with her than I have for anyone ever.

I love her and her two little boys with all of my heart. I showered her with affection and the attention that she needed, and I look and active interest in things that she was interested in that were different to my own. I cooked with her, cleaned house with her, did the family’s laundry (although not perfectly), bathed the children and put them to bed at night. When we were alone I would rub her back, brush her hair (which she loved) or run my fingers through her hair so she could relax after helping the kids do their homework or reading to them. On the weekends I sometimes took the kids out to give her some time to herself or took one of them while she spent some individual time with the other. The boys and I grew very close and I began to think of them as my own. I really felt like we were a family and that I made them all very happy.

She was not very communicative and found it difficult to talk about her feelings or deep thoughts. She suppressed her feeling and could not let go of issues often allowing them to both her for days on end allowing them to larger issues in her mind than they really are. She recognized this was an issue in her life and asked me to be patient with her while she learned to communicate better.

I learned that we both deal with hurt and worry a little differently also. When I see someone I care about who is hurt my instinct is to hold them and protect them. When she is hurt or worried about something she pushes away and to cuts everyone around her off. I found this a little difficult at times because the children suffered most from this although in every other respect she is a good mother.

After a short time she didn’t show her appreciation very much for the many thoughtful things I did, for the many bunches flowers or for the gifts I bought for her. She would tell her friends and family how wonderful they were but she never told me, said thank you and in some cases did not even acknowledge them.



From the moment that I fell in love with her I felt a burning need to talk with her to share some thing about my past – to set the record straight. You see, I had been living a lie and the weight of the deception become too great for me to bare. I had to talk with her and let her know the truth. I knew that I had to make things right.

My profile on the dating site indicated that I had recently moved to Memphis when the truth I was only here for a work assignment for 6 months. I put my age at 38 as it attracted more responses from the age group of woman I was interested in when my true age was 45. And I lied about my marital status. I am separated and have been so for some time but I have not filed for divorce yet.

To me the mission was clear. Make truth out of as many lies I possible. So I set out to make the lies that she believed become the truth. I began looking for an apartment or house to move into to become a permanent resident of Memphis. I sought a long term assignment or permanent job here in Memphis so I wouldn’t have to travel and be apart for too long. I spoke with my attorney about investigating ways to accelerate my divorce. In New Jersey were I am from one must be separated for 18 months before being able to file for a no-fault divorce. All without her knowing.

I truly am an honest and good man, and I had made a mistake that I am deeply ashamed of and I regret it. I wanted more than anything that our future together be based on honest and trust.

The burden of the deception weighed more heavily on me with each passing day. And with each passing day it felt that we fell more deeply in love with each other and grew closer. I felt that I could no longer keep it a secret. I felt the needed to talk with her about it, to confess and to seek her forgiveness. So I asked her for a couple of hours alone to share the truth.

I admit that I once thought to myself that I shouldn’t tell her. That in time the lies would become the truth but I wanted more than anything that she knew the truth. I felt that the love she professed to have for me would be sufficient for her to forgive me and that we would have a foundation of honesty upon which to build the rest of our lives together. I tried hard for weeks to get this time with her but with her schedule and activities with the boys she would never find the uninterrupted time for me.

I became anxious to share these things with her and disappointed that she would not find the time. One evening I decided to go to the motel I was staying at and she got annoyed that I had left her. She called shortly after I arrived at the motel and I told her how disappointed I was that we had not gotten to talk with each other alone. I had taken her out for dinner and an evening alone but at the last minute she invited a close friend and her boyfriend who was visiting for out of town along and we ended up together for the evening. It was an enjoyable evening but I was disappointed that I did not get the time alone with her that I needed to share the truth with her. She was annoyed at me and she goaded me into telling her what was bothering me. So in the space of 5 minutes and without the lengthy discussion that each issue needed I blurted out them out to her. 1) That I am an ordained minister and one day may want to return to the church. 2) That I am a consultant not a permanent employee and although I had hoped to be able to stay here for a while there was not guarantee. 3) That my correct age was 45 not 38 as she believed. 4) That due to New Jersey law and the 18 month separation rule I had not yet filed for divorce but would do so in the next few months.

She was irate and had hardly spoken to me since. She refused to discuss the issues or her feelings and shortly after broke off our relationship in an email stating that he had wanted to find someone close to her own age, who as settled in the area because she did not want to move and although she does not want to be married for several years she would only date someone that was single or divorced.

I have been faithful to her from the very first time that I met her. I have not been with my ex-wife (separated wife) for many years and I only wanted to be with her. I told her of my plans to settle down in Memphis and have now done so. I now have secured a long term assignment in Memphis although I had to take a pay cut (I have sent her a copy of the contract). I make a decent living and had my income has remained at a constant level for the last 10 years which has been no small achievement in this economy. My attorney is preparing the divorce papers now, which I can serve on 12/29. I will provide her with copies of the papers. I did all of this because I love her and want to make things right between us and make her happy once more. But she won’t give me another chance.

I have always been gentle and kind to her and the boys. I have never raised my voice to her, said an unkind word to her, threatened her, or physically harmed her in any way. Yet she called the police when I went to her house to talk with her and had me arrested for harassment when I did nothing at all. The police subsequently discovered this and dropped the charges, but I had to spend a day in jail because of it.

She once told me that her ex-husband did a lot of crazy things to her. Keeping her captive in her own home, taking the telephone with him to work so she couldn’t use it, removing the keyboard from the computer so she couldn’t use it either. Apparently he always believed that she was cheating on him and she admits that when their marriage was deteriating she did indeed cheat on him. I felt that there was much more to this subject that she didn’t share with me. Perhaps something horrible and traumatic happened that has caused her to act hysterically or relive the trauma of events with her ex-husband upon seeing a mere shadow of the same behavior from me.

I avoided seeing her for over a month when Thanksgiving came and my thoughts turned to her and her beautiful children. I attempted to call her but she hung up on me. I have sent her flower, cards and many, many apologies but she remains resolute and will not talk with me.

We (her, the boys and I) all go to the same karate school although we are in different classes. Last Thursday evening the boys tested for their next belts and did well. I did not approach them at the karate school for fear that she would be aggravated but I did call afterwards to congratulate the boys as this was quite an achievement for both. She refused to let me speak to the boys and hung up again on me.

On Friday evening her and I tested for out next belts (she is a belt ahead of me). We sat on the mats in reassigned seating positions while waiting to test and I was seated directly in front of her which added to the tension of the evening. We both tested well but she tested exceptionally well and was commended for her performance. After testing I ran to the change room to change and leave. As I was leaving she walked up behind me dressed to go out. She looked gorgeous (she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me). I went to my car and she stood looking while I put my things in the car. I felt that she waited because may have wanted to say something to me so I called her cell phone as I drove away and she hung up on me again.

I have made one more attempt to talk with her since and I have written her an email but she has not responded.

I have tried to date other woman since but can’t bring myself to be with them because I only want to be with her.

I am really confused and have lots of questions. Did she really love me as she said she did? Did I ever really make her happy? If she did love me why can’t she forgive me? What did I do wrong to drive her so far away from me when I felt we were so close? Why did she tell her friends and family vicious lies about me? Why is she nasty to me when I have always treated her kindly? Why does she appear to be afraid of me when I have never done anything to harm her and have always been respectful and nice to her? Why won’t she talk with me?

I very much want a second chance with her but I don’t know how to get it if she won’t communicate and we can’t discuss the issues. I love her and the children and miss them terribly. What should I do to make things right with her? How do I rescue a relationship when it is this far gone?

Why do I bother you might ask? Because I think that underneath the hate and bitterness there is a wonderful, kind and caring person with whom I would like to wake up with for the rest of my life.

Please help. T

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:26pm
News Flash: A "truly honest and good" person doesn't lie to others in order to get what they want. To lie simply so that you can meet women of a certain age group says it all. How lame.

"I have always been gentle and kind to her and the boys." Except when you were deceiving them about who you were.

Here's a tip you should keep in mind for the future: If your ultimate goal is a successful, happy, healthy and long-lasting relationship, don't start out with lies and deception. You're old enough to know that when you put all those lies in your profile, there would come a point in time when you'd have to come clean and tell whomever you met the truth. It's really pretty amazing to me that you apparently never put much thought into that obvious fact (or you didn't care enough not to go ahead and do it anyway -- "honest and good" -- "gentle and kind"?).

On top of that, she doesn't exactly sound emotionally healthy due to the baggage she's still carrying from her past experiences (and you didn't help her out any by adding to it). She needs to get herself together before she'll ever be able to be part of healthy relationship, and you need to take a look in the mirror and see who's really looking back. The person is not as honest and kind as you seem to think.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:35pm
I am sorry island1120, while I appreciate the time you took to read and respond to my post. I did not post here to be beat up all day by you and other "well meaning" folks. I am looking for guidence, not critism which you all hand out so liberally. I think I would have appreciated it if some of you asked some more questions before rushing to judgement. I left her alone and avoided her and the children successfully for 8 weeks before contacting her again. I do not harrass, I do not stalk and I go about my own business. I do not blame anyone else for what happened. I alone am to blame. I am far, far from perfect. I was just hopeing and praying for some forgiveness and a second chance.

Thanks for your post, T

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:39pm
Unfortunately in life, forgiveness and second chances are not always given. If that's the case here, the guidance you are looking for is that we are suggesting you move on, and in doing so, learn a lesson from this and don't make the same error in judgement again. Deception is often something a person cannot get over, no matter how many times you combed her hair or did her laundry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:42pm
Well said boobee. And to the original poster: you need to realize that for all the things you did for her (that long long list), it all got cancelled out in her mind the moment she discovered you were lying and deceiving her AND her kids all the while you did all those things. Get it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:57pm
You seem to be blind to the guidence everyone has given you, which I agree is to move on and learn from your past mistakes. All you could say is your sorry. It was up to her to decide what she wanted to do with that and she decided not to be with you. There isn't much you can do. Leave her alone and maybe in time she can forgive you, but there is nothing you can do at this point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 11:31am
Just an overview.

The woman is with you becuase it provides her with attention, approval, acceptance, adoration, benefits, ease, comfort, security, and convenience. people that jump quickly into "situations of commitment" aren't committed to you as an individual - they're committed to the benefits of being wtih you, as long as they last.

So, while she might easily have believed that she was all in love with you...it is obvious from some of your discussion regarding how she handles life issues that she's lacking inself-awareness, self-respect, self-acceptance and self-responsibility - and that you were a great situation to have in her life...until.....

Now, here's where I'll get blunt...you're an ordained minister (of what faith) that is lying to her about your marital status, your job status, and your life and lifestyle. Oh please...and you're wondering why she doesn't want to remain in the envelope of security with you!

When mature and self-aware people meet - they date assessing if THIS PERSON MEETS MY STANDARDS...not always vying to meet that other person's for acceptance, approval and admiration. After a protracted period of time in a myriad of situations - each person will have conducted themselves by their values and priorities and in accordance with their goals - and their actions, decisions nad words will be consistent and congruent - or they will not. And you'll gt a look at the lifestyle and life habits of this person and assess if YOUR style conflicts with theirs...or if small adjustments and concessions by both parties are all that is required for daily harmonious interaction on a general basis.

So, you've done everything for her, prioritized her and her needs and her desires without regard for you own...only "wanting her' being your own need and desire and whatever facilitates that - you want to do it.

You've informed her that the lifestyle and life you were living before that, that she used when assessing your values and priorities and character are a sham...and that is not what she should expect should you be able to make all your lies "true"....because you want to return to the church....which is NOTHING like the lifestyle that you're living in now.

Get off it.....you want a life with her, and sh'es got her own issues....because somewhere in your reasoning is "whip me, beat me, tell me I'm cheap, it proves you love me" as a thought pattern. And at some point, you're going to turn around and have spent your time, energy, money and effort on her in full and want her to do the same for you -w tih no regard for her needs and priorities at all. And when she doesn't do it - you're going to fall as out of love with her - as you are now "in love with her". And when you stop prioritizing her and her needs 100% and providing for her per her standards, with no obligation on her part to communicate....she's going to be "out of love with you" - as evidenced by her response now.

She's intelligent....you've lied about your age, profession, and marital status. Nobody, man or woman, would or should expect you to now be "telling the truth" - about being in love with them based on respect, admiration, and acceptance of them as an individual.

She's severing all the contact.....can't say as I blame her. If she's got issues and she pushes people away, withdraws and doesn't communicate when problems arise....DO NOT TAKE THIS REFUSAL TO ACCEPT CONTACT AS THAT TACTIC IN THIS SITUATION. You've lied about the entirety of who you are...meaning that the values and priorities she thought you held - you don't. Meaning that who she thought you were - you're not. and anybody of intelligence, her previous situation would dictate that she do this without hesitation whatsoever and from a position of fear.......would disassociate complete with you.

Becomethe man you claim you want to be...and then find a partner that wants to share that life and lifestyle with you and shares the values, priorities and goals thaat you have for your life -so tha tyou choose a partner that sticks with you because you're both similar in values, priorities, interests,s goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.

It's just that she's likely the prettiest girl you've been with, and from the sound of it - fairly optioned as to money....and at 45...she looks pretty good to you. But at 45....you don't look pretty good to her. She likely didn't think you were all that when she thought you were 38...but you were doing nothing that didn't benefit and convenience her and all the attention was what she wanted...and since you were providing it, oh well.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 11:32am
I see, so the only guidance you're looking for here is for someone to tell you is was OK to lie about who you are and that she should forgive you and take you right back into her life, and if she can't see that, you should pursue her relentlessly until you force her to see things your way. I'm sorry but you've come to the wrong place for that.

The only advice you'll get here is brutal honesty from folks who have either been victims of deceit or made the same types of mistakes, paid the price and learned their lesson. But I guess recognizing real honesty isn't easy for you.

How is it that people who respond with their input, which is what you asked for, are "beating up" on you, but when you send a woman unwanted flowers and apologies, and she has, in no uncertain terms, asked you to leave her alone, having gone as far as to have you arrested, and you keep contacting her, you're not harassing or stalking her? BTW, the definition of stalk per Webster's Dictionary - to pursue (a person) in a persistent, relentless manner. Does mistreatment only matter when you're on the receiving end and not when you're the one dishing it out? A "truly honest and good" person knows there's no difference.

You asked what you can do to save this relationship, you can do nothing. You made a mistake and have consequences to face. The consequence is not that you're sad and you miss her, the consequence is that you have lost her.

If she was in love with you, she was in love with someone that you are not. You're not 38 years old, you're not divorced and she can't trust you any longer...And you don't understand why she won't give you a second chance? Have you given any consideration as to how scared she must have felt having realized she misjudged you and left her children in the care of someone she couldn't trust? Relieving your sadness is not her responsibility. Her responsibility is to herself and her children and to do whatever she can to ensure her children are influenced by respectable people. Do you really believe that if you had more time to sugar-coat the news, she wouldn't recognize the smoke and mirrors tactic and would have reacted differently? Do you really have that little respect for her? Do you think that just because you're in love with her that she doesn't deserve the type of man she wants in her life? She may forgive you in time, when she is ready, but your continual pursuit of her is, to say the least, disrespectful, and only causing you to lose the few points you may have left.

You will get a second chance when you meet another woman and choose not to lie to her. Then, and only then, will you have a second chance at building a relationship with a "foundation of honesty upon which to build the rest of your lives together".

B.J.

Mommy to Samantha Renee 12/11/04

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:50pm

The truth of the matter, no matter what you say, is that you lied. You tried to keep a lie going hoping that she wouldnt find out that you had betrayed her to such a disgusting level, and she did.You expect her to wake up the next day and act like everything is honkey-dorey? Wont happen and you need to accept that. You sadi yourself in your own post that you were living a lie and made it your mission to "Make truth out of as many lies as possible". You should have been up front with her and let her love you for who you are, not who you were pretendng to be. She let you into her heart and home and you lied to her and her children everyday. I wouldnt be able to forgive you myself either.


I suggest you leave her alone and try to move on. Let this be a lesson that you dont have to lie about who you are for someone to love you, it sounds like she loved you no matter what.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 1:28pm
I think the "honesty" of all the responses has driven him away. :)

B.J.

Mommy to Samantha Renee 12/11/04

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 9:50pm
Hi - I read several of the responses and here are my thoughts on the matter.

You were very wrong for having lied, and I get the sense that you realize that now. (Well, I certainly hope so, anyway.) Having lived with the lies someone told me for over 2 years, I deeply know what pain untruths can bring. But that's another story.

I feel that things often happen to teach us a lesson in our lives. In this case, I hope you were taught that while lies may enhance a situation for a while, sooner or later they will be uncovered, and they wreak havoc with your life (AND the life of another too, sometimes). So my advice would be to face the facts, apologize to God for what you have done, promise that you will never do the same thing (and KEEP your promise)... and then move on.

If you do all of this, perhaps there will be another chance at true love for you...

Good luck.