need help, there has to be a solution

Avatar for kidshilleen
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
need help, there has to be a solution
3
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 8:18pm
okay ladies, I need a game plan....

I wrote in over a week ago on how my wonderful 10 month relationship with BF has suddenly changed. We have had 5 arguments in 4 weeks and can't seem to stop! (I am 32, he is 34 and he has 3 kids. We are both divorced)

It has been over stupid things and escalates into a full blown argument. I had a moment and broke it off last week, only to call and work things out the next day - I vowed to never bail on him again - the next time it happens, and it will, I am going to stick it out with him and get through it. I meant it. We spent all weekend together and promised to walk softer around each other for a while.

Until last night, it happened again! But I tested it this time, I told him calmly that it was okay and it's nothing to fight about. I tried to let it go and just go on, but he is the type that once he gets mad, he's stays that way for the rest of the night. We had plans, but we didn't even go. We just sat on my couch, said he didn't feel like doing anything and just sat there and analyzed it all night! He kept saying, "I don't know why we keep doing this, we can't get along", etc.

I told him as long as he has that attitude that we are never going to make it, we're doomed! That you have to be positive and put more into it and want it to work more than that. I said that I am not going to give up on you this easy and I am sorry if I damaged your trust for me when I broke up for a day - I am here now telling you I love you and I am not going to throw something good away because we have this problem.

He would talk to me, but I never really felt like he was over it when we went to bed - I am the type that I want to say "I'm sorry, I'm not mad, let's make up" - he doesn't do that and it is so frustrating. He just says he doesn't have a solution to our fighting and doesn't know what to do. I told him that it is okay to fight - he says we haven't stopped.

I don't know what to do either, he needs to learn to get over it quicker - I told him I am willing to work on myself and try not to bring up everything that irritates me, just pick my battles. He says that's not healthy either, that we should be able to tell each other if something is bothering us.

I just know how men can get it in their head that if we are already arguing then it will never get better, so any problems from then on just add to it- maybe I am wrong.

I adore and love this man, he is such good person - and he says I am the perfect girl that he could ever want - I have been so happy the last 10 months, this has got to smooth out, I just don't know what else to do before we hurt too much to want each other.

any advice?

Tonya

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 12:06am
The Bible says to not let the sun go down on your wrath and to agree with your adversary while you are in the way with them. It doesn't sound like he has a very realistic idea of what encompasses a relationship. I know it's pretty early in the relationship, but if you can't resolve conflict, things will get bad quickly. Have you considered classes or counseling for conflict resolution? It might help him to see that arguments, etc., are a natural and necessary part of an intimate relationship. Conflict is no reason to think a relationship isn't good.

I know what you mean about some men thinking an argument ends a relationship. How can men like that ever be married I wonder. I had a bf like that. He had been an alcoholic before and they say that destroys brain cells. I finally concluded he just wasn't smart enough for me. A smart man can hold his own in a conflict. It can even strengthen the bond. How else are you going to know the person isn't just sucking-up all the time? Who would want that? I think you bf needs to revise his expectations, relax and have a little fun once in awhile with verbal sparring. It hones ones skills and takes some of the seriousness out of some situations. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 8:28am
I think that realizing that different people have different "reaction" reflexes - and cool down periods may help. It sounds like when you are angry or irritated he feels like the problem is an attack on him personally (you may be accidently directing it AT HIM - rather than AT THE PROBLEM). It sounds like he may feel like the relationship is a risk because A: you bailed once B: the arguements have gotten pretty heated C: it took 10 months for these problems to materialize. He is probably scared, as are you of loosing a relationship that is important. Let's face it you have built a life with oneanother over a 10 month period that worked! It still can work through respect for eachothers different healing times (it might take him longer to get over being upset than it does you) - A different approach to issues (don't aim anger..REDIRECT it to the issue for a mutual resolution). And try to remember (for both of you) by now we all come with luggage - sometimes we play back old tapes from previous relationships all the way back to childhood that shape the way we handle things today. Sounds like you all have a good foundation of communication and value to work with tho' and THAT is a jewel to start with.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 1:14pm
Did you get the John Gottman book I suggested last time you wrote about this? That'll give you your game plan...it has a whole bunch of exercises you do together.

His willingness to read the book and participate wholeheartedly in the exercises will give you a whole lot of information about his readiness and desire to be in this relationship, also.

Sheri