need help! (very long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
need help! (very long)
6
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 6:40pm

I'm sorry this is going to be very long and drawn out but it has been going for quite a while. I am going to give both sides where I can. This is very explisit so be prepared

I have been with this man since Feburary of last year we both left out spouses for one another. Both of our marriages were unhappy. I am 31 he is 20yrs my senior. I think the best place for me to start all of this is with my past sexual history. I had sex with nine guys before my husband and had eleven affairs during my marriage with one i was paid with another it wasn't suppose to be sex at all I whipped him a few times (was talked into it by another affair but will get into that later)and ended up having sex with him and giving hand jobs. Two of the guys were long term (4&5yrs) at the same time and most of this all took place during that 5 year period. One of these two guys was my boss at the topless club I worked at and we would have sex in the office of the club. I only had one orgasm during this whole time with him. The other was a patron of the club. I went to Hawaii with him for 5 days and on another occation to las vegas for 2 days (with husbands knolledge) the guy I whipped, I was talked into doing that by club manager guy and later on was talked into giving him sponge bathes after he had shoulder surgey which also lead to sex. these are the most poinient of all the affairs. But i will add that I had my first affair right before and after I got married ( I had sex with three other guys during the relationship but before the marriage who are included in the eleven and one of those was a threesome with husband and once without. I got pregnant I assume that my ex husband is dad but really don't know for sure and also continued having sex with two up until 5 month pregnant.
Now that I've said all that let me get started. In the beginning of the relationship I am in now I told him that i had a friend who I had never had sex with who was ugly fat and undesireable that I talked to and that my husband always felt something was going on but there wasn't and was it alright to keep talking to him of course he said yes. well that wasn't true it was the guy i had had a 4yr affair with I had never stopped talking to him even after I moved out of the state. So he and I continued to talk never about us having sex again but mostly about my life now. I did tell him some intimate details about my bedroom life (which i now know was wrong to do) but was always telling him how in love I was with current. Six months down the line current questions my relationship with this guy and I continue to lie and tell him we never had sex. He asked about Hawaii and I told him that I just masterbated in front of him this was not true. He pressured and kept asking and I gave him little bits and pieces this finally three months later the whole truth. Because of this he felt the need to delve deeper into my sexual past and i could not be honest with him about it. It took him months to literally drag the truth out of me even when confronted with the truth I still lied. Now from my point of view I didn't want him to know about my seedy past and in telling him I had to admit it to myself too This was very hard for me in some instances because what i had told him wasn't enough I made things up. Now let me make it clear he just didn't want to know how many guys I had had sex with but some details too. his perspectiveShe lied to me about that guy what else is she hiding (I understand this)Well to make this very long story shorter I compounded the problem with my lies. I really truly and deeply love this man, he is my whole world I just didn't want him to know so i tried to minimize everything (which I feel anyone would do) We have been trying to work this out for months we go through times where everything seems alright then we regress and fight. His point of view because of the details that he has there are triggers for him like Hawaii & Las vegas. At times he is able to supress it but other times it all comes flooding in. I understand this too and am willing to deal with it. He also says he can never trust me again that he doesn't believe anything I say because it was so easy for me to lie to him and that my past is just too much for him to handle and he can't live with it. i try to tell him that it's my cross to bear not his but he doens't see it that way. He also says that I never ended the relationship with guy I was talking to and that I was leading him on. I feel that our sexual realtionship had ended but that we were still friends. I had not had sex with this guy since I was pregnant and moved out of state soon after visited twice but did not have sex with him either time he did want to come visit twice but I told him i was too busy with work and current. With all this knowleged that current gained he made me realize the true nature of all these affairs and that I was just used for sex which i do believe. In my mind i cared for these guys (2 main) I wasn't in love but cared and wanted to have a friendship. He claims I had to be in love with both of them because people don't have sex with someone for that long and not fall in love. This past week (not the first time) he told me that he can't deal with my past all lies and everything and that he is going to end it. Now let me make it clear that when I was told to stop talking to him and many other peole I abided immetely and have tried to do anything and everything I can to save this relationship and show him how much I truly love him. He feels that I couldn't have loved him or i wouldn't have been calling the other guy and I wouldn't have been able to lie to him. I feel I do and did love him. He also feels that I put my relationship with other guy ahead of mne and his because i lied to talk to him. I have come completly clean about my whole sexual past but he believes i am still not telling him everything and that there are more things i have done that I will never tell him. Telling him my whole sexual history was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I am slapped in the face constantly with the things he knows. I just want the arguing over all this to stop because when things are good we are so good together and both love eachother. Like I said he doesn't believe me or trust me but I feel in time i can gain bith back from him most of all i want to find a way for him to be able to live with my past and be able to move on from it if anyone has thoughts or ideas other then councilling because i suggested that the other day and he won't i'd love to hear them. Also another thing he says is that a lepard can't change it spots and that a persons past matters more then there present. I feel that I have changed a great deal I know I would never cheat on him. He considers the phine conversations cheating and I see his point so in his eyes I have already cheated on him. I have never wanted or even thought of having sex with any other man but him. My relationship with my ex was screwed up from the start and in hindsight I feel that I should have never been with him and that if I had met my current then that i would never have done any of the things I did including working in a topless bar, I just want to be with him and only him I can't imagine a life without him, I know i have made many mistakes and choices during and prior to our relationship but I know that with the things i know now I won't make the same mistakes again.I just don't want him to give up on me I know I am not the same person I was and that what we have is very special Please help thank you to all who take the time to read this and post

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 8:35pm
Basically I'd say if you want to make things work, see if he'll go to counseling with you to work on your problems together. You might also want to do counseling yourself to try to work out some of your past issues, especially since it seems like your self esteem might be very low. What you're describing sounds like compulsive and self destructive behavior that you've gone through in the past, and the average person doesn't simply walk away from that without it leaving scars. Regardless of what happens with the guy you're seeing now, you need to get yourself healthy for your own sake.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 9:31pm
I absolutly know that i had very low self esteem I also was smoking a lot of pot I tried to explain ( in one of my many explainations of all I have done) that I used sex to make me feel better about myself and at that moment it worked. Current has done a lot to boost my self esteem and self worth I for the first time in my life am able to say I am happy with myself I'd say that my self esteem went from -10 to 40 not perfect but getting there and also with this I am able to see that i am worth good things
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 9:33pm
I forgot to add that yes I have scars but most of them are looking at the stupid things I did and as for him going to councilling I asked and he won't
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 9:30pm

If he won't go to counseling, then you definitely should without him. It may help you deal with the things you are going through with your husband and also deal with some of the choices that you made in the past. The counselor may have suggestions for communicating with your husband and rebuilding trust. I'm glad that you realized what you did is wrong and that you want to make it right, and that you are rebuilding your confidence! It sounds like you had a lot going on that drove you to do what you did with the affairs and the pot.

It's totally understandable that your husband doesn't trust you, as I'm sure you realize. Only time will tell if this can be repaired. I think that you need to ask him what you can do to rebuild the trust. If what he asks is reasonable, then I'd do it. Then, see if he reacts positively to what you do. If you make changes and he doesn't react positively and start to trust you (ever so slowly), then he may not be able to forgive and move on from this. He is probably wondering why he can trust you now when you've deceived him for so many years. He is probably wondering why you've suddenly changed and wondering if this honesty and fidelity is just a phase. I'm not sure that telling him the gory details will help. Somehow we all feel that hearing the details will help, but sometimes it doesn't.

Regardless of what happens with your husband, you have come a long way with yourself, and that is most important!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 6:57pm
I think you must have misread I left husband and this is a new guy have never cheated in him did talk on phine with ex lover and lied about who he was to me and also lied about past sexual history for months and months. I have been trying to rebuid the trust. He says can't live with my past and the fact that I lied to him. Says i couldn't have loved him and been able to do this to him. Thanks for responding and if you have any other advice please write again-
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 7:53am
Still looking for some input here. i know it's long but there's a lot going on.