Need help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Need help!!
12
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 9:54pm

Hello, this is my first time posting and I thought I would try because I'm at a loss...

My bf and I have been together 5 months. It started out great, we had great chemistry, we both felt like we found "the one". I'm 31 and divorced. He has been divorced too. The problem is, he has major trust issues that he did tell me about, but I never understood the full extent until recently. We are living together and I moved a few hours to be with him. I was ready to move to a new town anyway and make a fresh start and he was like no one else I had ever met, he's a little older than me and I trusted that if I moved here, i wouldn't regret it. He was so romantic, affectionate, communicative, treated me like a princess, just seemed perfect. However, since I moved in, we've had a hard time. he spent a lot of time and money fixing my car, he had money stolen from him, I started a new job and new school, I started having health problems. we've just been hit hard with life circumstances.

I felt so guilty for all of it and I think I pushed him away, unknowingly. That is the last thing I wanted to do, but he says I pushed him away and now he needs time and doesn't know if we have a future. Just wants to take it one day at a time. I feel that whatever I did doesn't warrant him telling me he is having a hard time trusting me now. He said he's emotionally shut down. He's been hurt in the past, been cheated on, taken advantage of, but I want him to know I'm not like those other women.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
In reply to: elle910
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 5:49pm

Absolutely. I thought I was smarter than this, but hey lesson learned. I had never experienced this before, got married young and this was only my 2nd real relationship in my life. I know, late bloomer! But, I think everything happens for a reason, as cliche as that sounds, and if I didn't learn it now, I would have learned it eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: elle910
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 11:26am
Well then start stashing away as much dough as you can and chalk this down to a bad and hasty decision that you learned a BIG lesson from. Never make big decisions about your future when your in the throes of infatuation with a man. GOOD LUCK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
In reply to: elle910
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 9:56am

Just to clarify a few things:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: elle910
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 3:54pm

I know you've probably made up your mind that this relationship isn't going to work out, but I'm confused about the "trust" stuff & "pushing him away."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
In reply to: elle910
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 2:48pm

You guys moved too quickly. Together only 5 months, it was great in the beginning - this is still the beginning! You're just now really starting to learn what kind of couple you two are. I don't think it's very compatible.

A person who is still very jaded due to past relationships is not ready for a future relationship. It's not your job to help him trust womankind again!


You didn't know about his major trust issue because you frankly did not know him long enough.

WTF? He STOLE money from you? I'd call that a deal breaker right there.

"He was so romantic, affectionate, communicative, treated me like a princess, just seemed perfect."

That is usually how brand new relationships feel! The trick is to keep dating to see if you feel like that still after 2-3 years, while not living together!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
In reply to: elle910
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 11:46am

yes, I think I see that now. I didn't want to beleive it. But I see that doesn't really care about me. He's demanding a perfect woman, one who will never make his trust waiver. But his trust is too easily waivered and that woman does not exist. I cannot fix him, cannot make him see me for who I really am. he is too blinded by his own issues. I deserve better. There are men out there who will treat me just as well as he treated me in the beginning, but they won't shut down and close their heart off when we have hard times and when I don't turn out to be perfect. I just feel sorry for him and love him, but I can't save him. i have to do what's right for me. I don't deserve to have to try to hang on to a man who can't give me what I need. I have too much to offer. It's a waste of time.

I'm going to focus on becoming financially independent (like I was before I met him, lol) and move on and focus on me for a while. I will learn from this to never move in with someone so soon ever again. I will take it slower and really get to know him first.

Thank you for your help, I feel much better about all of this even though it's going to be hard, at least I know what I need to do. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: elle910
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 10:49am

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
In reply to: elle910
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 9:20am

Wow I appreciate your reply and everyone elses. I didn't expect to get any responses so soon. Thank you:)

The problem is, I moved 5 hours away from home, my job, my friends, gave up my apartment. I'm barely making any money, I spent all I had on fixing my car, too. He told me he would support me while I went to school and I wouldn't need to worry about money. But now that we don't have as much, he and I both want me to get a 2nd job. He suggested last night that I join the air force reserves so I could have college paid for and all the benefits. I think he is trying to help me because he feels guilty for making all these promises and now he regrets it. I'm in a new town where I don't know anyone but him. I didn't get caught up in my own life, I was only focusing on our relationship.

I realize if I did push him away, it was because of all the guilt I felt for coming here and turning his life upside down and I couldn't have seen how hard things were going to be. We started fighting a lot. I needed reassurance that he didn't blame me, I was being insecure, I needed to hear from him that we would get through it and I didn't hear what I needed, so he reached his limit. He's afraid if we stay together, we will just keep fighting and he'll never be able to trust me.

I don't know if I can let go, yet. I still believe, as foolish as it may be, that we can work it out. I know it's probably a lost cause, and you're right, his trust issues are at the root of the problem and I can't fix him. He's just the most amazing man I've ever met, so intelligent, funny, super caring, was so big on communicating and now I feel like I've blown it. I was never treated this wonderfully by a man before and that is why I trusted him and decided to move here so quickly. He now has high bp and an ulcer and indirectly blames it on me, saying "I've had arguments in relationships before, but I've never had high blood pressure and an ulcer" which of course, makes me feel more guilty, even though I know he can't blame that on me.

But what it comes down to is his trust issues. Even if I did act a little crazy for a while, because of everything that was going on and feeling guilty, if he truly loved me and trusted me, this would not be enough to make him shut down emotionally. Maybe I am trying to fix him now and I know that is a mistake. I love him so much and it feels like my world is crashing down.

I have no where to go. Can't afford to get my own place, wouldn't want to stay in this town anyway, knowing no one and I would always be hoping he would have a change of heart and realize what he gave up. I wouldn't put myself through that, so I would move away so I could heal. I would have to move a few states away to live with family for a while until I got on my feet. I think he is throwing out ideas for me job-wise and trying to help me so that I can be independent again. Despite all of his issues, he is trying to be a good person and not just throw me out with no where to go. But I have a feeling that once my health issues get resolved and I'm able to support myself again, he's done. Or worse, he'll just keep stringing me along, making me hope that we can have a future, keeping me in limbo for god knows how much longer. It's killing me every day, it's tearing me up inside. It's all I can do not to break down and cry and pour all of this out to him, but I know that would do me no good and only push him away further.

I guess what I will do is focus on me and my health and accept that he's over it. I'm torn between moving a few states away to family and having to take a year off school to save money and just staying here, getting a better job and waiting until I'm financially independent to move out. Because it will drive me crazy to have to live with him for months longer like this. Seeing him every day would just break my heart and not let me move on.

What do you guys think? Stay here and try to make more money so I can be independent and eventually get my own place and start school again, hell, maybe join the air force reserves, its not a bad idea, or just move away to live with my dad for a while until I get on my feet? I hate going back to parents at the age of 31, but it may be my only option. Either way, I'm going to have to talk to my bf and make a final decision soon so I don't have to keep living like this.

Sorry so long....I just feel so alone here and have to reach out somewhere b/c I'll start driving my friends crazy soon:)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: elle910
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 5:47am

I agree with true blue - I am doubtful that you even did "push him away". It sounds more like he's just being needy and is allowing his baggage from the past to influence his current state of mind far too much. These are his issues, do not allow him to blame you for them. If you can not continue to live in limbo, constantly fearful of what choice he is going to make - then don't. Tell him it's completely unreasonable for him to put his baggage on you and if he can't put it behind him, the relationship can never move forward.

In the future, don't move in with someone you hardly know - 5 months is not enough time to really know someone, no matter how much it feels like you do. Especially if I'm understanding correctly that you've been together for a total of 5 months, not that you moved in together after 5 months - so it must have been less than that when you moved in together? Hopefully, that is a lesson learned for you. I always advise waiting at LEAST a year before moving in with someone. How can you truly know someone without knowing what they are like during all seasons and holidays or important events throughout the course of the year? You've jumped into this way too fast so it's not surprising you're discovering it's not as perfect as you thought. I think you should consider taking a step back and finding your own place for a little while. He may see that as you "pushing him away" more - but again, I think those are his issues and if he can't see the wisdom in taking a step back from a relationship which has moved far too quickly, it may indicate that he's not capable of having a healthy relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: elle910
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 1:50am
What happened is the new relationship high wore off and now your seeing the real him. You moved in with him after knowing him only a few months. BIG mistake. Problem is we don't often think rationally when we are in the throes of new relationship high and think were so in love with someone. We often make hasty and foolish decisions that we end up regretting when we move too fast in a relationship, and I think you are really starting to see that now that the reality of seeing what it's like to live with the guy has hit. I really think you need to chalk this down to a bad decision and cut your loses and run. Unfortunately he's not the prince charming you thought he was. GOOD LUCK.

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