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| Tue, 07-10-2007 - 9:38am |
I should have known, especially being in my late 30s that my union would be a difficult one, but I never saw just how much. Now, a good few years later, our differences have led us to seeking help and I believe the issue is simply WHO each of us is.
My spouse and I have "similar" background but extremely different approaches to the life we had. Both from middle class families making base salary our parents tried to make sure we were not deprived. The difference howerver was their definition of deprived. My family made it their objective to keep me active, cultured, well-traveled, even if we travelled by car,fashionable, etc. My spouses family was only concerned with paying off their mortgage, putting (some) money in the bank and going to the lakehouse which they shared the cost with 13 other families. In fact, the one time they were suppose to experience a vacation out west, they backed out due to distance and finances. Yet, they discuss often how they were never able to realize their dreams and how with only one parent working they had to pinch. Still, being in a similar situation, I had vastly different experiences and my parents had vastly different expectationsf (of me). DH was told not to worry about working, until his late 20s because he needed to enjoy his youth and to simply strive to find a job with good retirement benefits and that would allow him to have a roof over his head, food on the table, clothes on his back, and a few beers on the weekend. I, on the other hand, while taught to be grateful for whatever I had (a little or a lot), and to never be greedy, was taught to strive to improve as much as possible my situation and circumstances and to be a leader, not a follower.
I was also raised where, while parents (up until a certain point were in charge), we worked as a family and that we all pitched in for the greater good and we each looked out for each other and where one fell short the other picked up the slack. Also as I/the child got older, I was encouraged to share with my folks, actually my mother, my experiences and opportunities "I" had and been blessed with. I was also encouraged to question and challenge her if I felt it was to her benefit and advantage or for the good of the family. DH's family was everyone out for themselves and parents did parent stuff while kids did kid stuff and there was NEVER any need for the kids to "trouble" themselves with including parents, educating them, or enlightening them, because, after all it was the parents who were "in charge" an in charge of looking after the kids, even if the kids "knew" better, had "better opportunities", and could show them a good time or something adventageous.
With all that said, dh's family continues to complain about their complacent state yet when we try to help, since that's the way I was raised, I my family needs something and I can offer it them, it's my "duty" and my honor and pleasure. They make it difficult saying "NO" to everything we offer, unless you badger them to death and then they say they are glad they did it and apologize for giving us a rought time to begin with, but repeat the pattern the next time. Regardless of all this and the enabling that my dh was doing, I think, like he said, "he never before he met me cared what his parents did or didn't do". He had his own life and his own interest which were limited, by his limited salary, and so since he was "deprived", didn't really give much thought to how well or poorly his family was doing. Honestly, I am "disgusted" and appalled by his attitude which is probably a byproduct of his upbringing. He even says he NEVER spoke to his grandparents even when they paid a visit because kids have relationships with kids and his parents didn't want to pressure him to do anything "boring".
All this, in my opinion, lazy, half-baked principles, though he is trying to change his approach and attitude and beginning to see certain things in a new light, trouble me.
We were told by counselors to simply leave others out of it, not let them affect us or their decisions affect us and just focus on us. While I "do" see their point the truth is that when you marry someone, to a degree, you "do" marry their friends and family and if they are hurting others or themselves you can't help in a sense but to be hurt and take it personally and try to help. And, dh's approach as well as the therapist's approach goes against my intrinsic beliefs which means looking out for family even if its "uncomfortable" and means going out of your way. And, you especially respect you elders and if you can try to "give back". I am trying to shut it all out, but it bothers me that up until dh met me he could give a care and that he was raised to a lazy underachiever with little if any ambition and that his family is content with virtually nothing and that they intentionally SPIT in the face of blessings and people who care about them and WANT and TRY to include them, especially when there are others who would give almost anything to have a son's mate that cared and looked out for their best.
I don't want a divorce but I don't know if its possible to share my life with someone who doesn't share my morals, values or principles. Other opinions and recommendations VERY gladly welcome and appreciated.
Thank you

Welcome to the board citrisgal,
Wanting a relationship in which your morals, values, standards and expections are matched is a good thing.
"I don't want a divorce but I don't know if its possible to share my life with someone who doesn't share my morals, values or principles."
This is the most critical part of your post by far. The fact is, two people who don't share morals, values and principles don't belong together if they can't accept their differences. Marriages often work out between two people of opposite religions (for example) but only because they are both willing to ACCEPT and ADOPT one another's traits. It's all about respecting one another as individuals. People who love one another and belong together will grow TOGETHER, not apart.
It is very important for you to share the same values as your husband. For instance, it's absolutely possible for a strictly Jewish woman and a strictly Christian man to share the same values and principles. Upbringing does not necessarily reflect what kind of person you are fundamentally, or what you want out of life.
You and your husband seem like two people who are having difficulty accepting that you may be growing apart due to differences that are justifiably very important to you.
I'm not telling you to get a divorce, but this is in the hands of a qualified professional who can help you make the decisions you need to make. You have a lot of anger toward your situation and while it hurts to see a marriage collapse, it seems to me as though this one may have been a mistake.
I think this is one more case of one person in a relationship hoping that the other would change after marriage. You saw your lifestyle and relationship with your family as the right way and his individualistic lifestyle as wrong. He tries to change, your force your in-laws to change and everyone is frustrated.
'we worked as a family and that we all pitched in for the greater good'
That is all fine and good but you can't force anyone to change their beliefs for you and convince them that it is right.
Thanks,
all very sound advice. DH is a great guy, but what is important to each of us seems completely different. I know it seems I may be "forceful", but I firmly believe that if you see something inherantly "unacceptable", you don't allow it to continue. For instance, dh dad has severe knee pain but MIL basically refuses to do anything more about it. She doesn't LIKE sitting in the doctor's waiting room and says since he not dying and they don't much go anywhere (mind you she blames her lifestyle totally on FIL and his knee and its pain, making him uable to move) there's no need to pay the doc a visit. DH dad keep complaining about the pain. I suggested that in this case dh make the appointment for his dad, pick him up for lunch and take him instead of waiting for his mom to make the decision. I personally think MIL does this purposely so sh can have an excuse not to do anything thinking that people will "pity" her and she's all about pity constantly saying "poor me" I never could do this or that because of being raised poor, then because of her husband, then due to having kids, then to having back problems, now because FIL can't get around much. DH wants to do this for his dad, but is afraid to upset the apple cup, take "authority" over his mother, or even sit down and have a heart to heart with his mom or dad or both. He is afraid to tell them things that NEED to be addressed, like when they fail to shower and smell because they smoke, etc. I feel it is his "duty" and "responsibility" and like one of you said, I like him, I just don't know if it's possible to live with him if this is how he approaches life, I certainly fear how he will treat me or let ME fend for myself as well.
citrisgal I hate to have to say this but you sound EXTREMELY critical of his family when their problems do not really involve you. You think your husband should stand up to his parents because they smell like smoke? Seriously? If I asked my dad to take a shower because I didn't like the smell of smoke then he would laugh in my face. I'd hold my breath, take a few steps back, and all is well again. AND I did it without criticizing his lifestyle!
You seem overly concerned with the way people act in their own personal lives and I see no reason why your husband should need to criticize his parents. Have you considered that maybe he realizes criticism over these things will get him nowhere? He knows his parents, he has lived a long time with them and he knows how to handle them. Some peoples' parents just aren't dealt with by criticism and confrontation. By their age they are set in their ways and they have their own little dysfunctions. But to make it your problem is to invite a whole lot of unnecessary anger into your life.
I don't know if you really believe that his unwillingness to confront his family on these issues is a reflection of how he will treat you in the future, but I think you are being extremely harsh and unfair. I truly think that this is YOUR problem to deal with and that it should be done in therapy.
'if you see something inherantly "unacceptable", you don't allow it to continue.'
inherently unacceptable to you, not to them
'dh dad has severe knee pain but MIL basically refuses to do anything more about it'
Honestly this is none of your business.
Changing the way your husband deals with things is going to be his decision to make and you are right, if you can't accept it then you may have to leave.
Edited 7/10/2007 5:46 pm ET by ciao__gina