Need perspectives and advice please
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| Tue, 04-29-2008 - 3:20am |
I love my husband very much we've been together for 17 years this year. Our relationship is great from day to day but for the last few years an issue has been niggling me, it used to be a small gripe but now I'm actually feeling increasingly depressed and upset about it the older I get. The worst thing being I feel both guilty and selfish for having this issue at all.
The problem is this:
When I met my DH we were young and poor and so my engagement ring reflected that, it's pretty but it's an inexpensive promise ring. I don't wear it anymore - just my gold wedding band because it looks like an inexpensive promise ring. In the years since we married DH has become very successful and earns several hundred thousand a year and likes to treat himself accordingly, he buys himself antiques and collectibles many of which run into thousands of dollars but he rarely buys me anything and has not replaced the ring.
We don't argue but perhaps for one good blow up a year and for the last four years at least I have berated him for spending thousands on himself but not replacing the ring. He says it's too hard to shop for a ring and yet he goes to great lengths to research and track down the often rare items that he purchases.
In direct contrast I hate spending and don't buy myself anything unless it's needed or for the kids. I don't want anything expensive or extravagant, hell I'd settle for a Zircon (even though he can afford much better) just to know that he thought about me enough to buy it.
The ring is very symbolic, I don't want it so that I can look expensive, I want it because it means something bigger.
Recently I nearly died in childbirth and became very depressed when the only person to buy me flowers was my mother in law! (and we don't get along). I came home from the hospital and DH was in the middle of another deal to buy himself something special.
Don't get me wrong he's a good husband and a great father and my best friend but when I bring the issue up he gets upset like I'm getting at him, promises to do better and then goes back to doing nothing.
Perhaps it's because I'm still post partum I am feeling this way but my house is stuffed to the gills with so many presents and they're all bought by him for him. I often joke that he should be the woman because he's the one who likes to shop. On a good day I frown about it, on my worst day I feel worthless.
Any advice appreciated (like I said I've raised the issue point blank many times, I haven't expected him to read my mind or anything).

Bunnywood,
I'm sorry for what you've been through. But can I offer another perspective? You want to replace an incredibly important part of your 17+ year history because you don't think it's expensive enough. Could you possibly wear the "old" ring on a chain as a necklace? Maybe this makes him feel inferior.
I think you should find a specific ring you want, and tell him that it would make a great present for your next birthday.
I'm really sorry about your experience, that is a terrible reality of childbirth and men can be extremely stupid sometimes. I'm glad you can see the good in him even after that, it says a lot for your character.
Bunny, I'm sorry for your hard time, but just to bring you a different perspective about the ring...I would be very hurt if my spouse told me the engagement ring I bought her was no longer good enough.
I appreciate all of the feedback:)
Re- expecting it. I think I need to clarify things a little here. I only expected it because in the past he has said that he would do it. Plus he too thinks that the older ring needs replacing, it was a teenage purchase.
I also said in my original post that I wouldn't care if the ring was inexpensive as long as he had bought it and thought about it. I don't come from money and now that we have it I don't act like I do either.
Did I mention he forgets to buy me birthday presents also...
I'll say it again - I really love my DH but in the face of all of his extravagant purchases I feel humiliated. I'm not usually this shallow but it's how I feel.
Re: PP question - I only have access to housekeeping money 50% of which is earned by me. I cannot afford to buy myself such things.
The ring is but an example. It's not an extravagance so much as a representation of a much larger issue.
Bunny, it sounds like the bigger issue here is that your husband is expecting you to live a different lifestyle than he is.