Need Practical Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Need Practical Advice
8
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 1:12pm

About three years ago, my husband had a pretty intense emotional affair with another woman. He believed he loved her, and was ready to leave our family for her. Leaving the endless gory details out of it, she found an available man and pulled out of the baloney with my husband.

Now she's getting married. She TM'd my husband a few weeks ago to let him know, and I guess, to invite him to the wedding. We moved recently and she's actually getting married nearby for some reason, so it would be easy for him/us to go.

I have two issues. First, while we have been through hundreds of hours of therapy and a separation that enabled me to deal honestly with what happened, I still harbor nothing positive towards her. I don't actively wish her ill, but the thought of being around her again will bring all that back up. So, do I play the bigger person and go? Or make a major issue of it with my husband and come off looking like a shrew?

Second, I know in my heart that my husband has had a very hard time dealing with this. He says that all of that was not real- that he made her out to be someone she wasn't, which is true I think- and that his presence here with me and our kids is a choice. We still have issues- who doesn't?- and I believe that in some way he loves me, but it's far from a fairy tale relationship. And I do not believe that there is anything ongoing there. But the idea that there are residual feelings in his heart for her is so hard for me. He would never admit it, but I know him. I know what he's hiding by the way he tries to hide it.

I need practical wisdom. Is it wiser to just let this go? To let him deal with this in his own private way? Or do I say something? The thought of all that still makes me sick, and I just wish she'd have left everything alone. I definitely suspect her motives. Yes she's getting married, but why drag him back into this? What good does any of this do?

Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 2:06pm

Welcome to the board kanne29,


It is very hard for couples to heal the betrayal of any affair (physical or emotional) and rebuild trust without counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 2:21pm

The nerve of that woman!

No, you certainly don't have to go. But you don't have to keep silent about it either. I would let your husband know how you feel about him going, calmly and simply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 2:31pm
I would simply say that the previous relationship did a lot of damage to your relationship as a couple, whether or not he made more of it than it was. There is no need to drudge up feelings that have been put to rest, for you or for him. He needs to let her go, and you need to know that he has done so. Wanting to go to her wedding would make me think the same thing you do.
I wouldn't go, and I'd be very upset if he went.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 3:37pm

Thank you all for your responses:

itwinflame: Yes, we were involved in intensive counseling for over a year that frankly didn't do much to change either one of us. Finally, we agreed to a trial separation. That experience changed my life. And my husband's as well. We agreed to try again, and have both been working towards bettering ourselves individually- it's been a truce for quite a while as far as any of the arguing or other relationship stuff that precipitated the entire situation. So things have definitely gotten better since it all started.

teenybubbles: Thanks- I thought it was pretty nervy too... but like I said, it's very easy for a wife to look like the bad guy even if she's right.

catk1: Thanks. I think your advice is right on. It's just hard when there's so much emotional baggage that we're afraid of reexperiencing. That's why I am even wondering if anything should be said, but your point is excellent. We've both worked hard to put things behind us, and it's not wise to dredge it all back up.

Thanks to all again... I truly appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 8:49pm

I have a question: Has he even expressed an interest in going to the wedding? You said "you guessed" she invited him to the wedding, did she actually invite him? I'm just thinking all this internal turmoil could be over something that isn't even happening.

Some people do that kind of thing, invite someone or attend the wedding of someone from their past as a way of showing, somehow proving through this action that they have truly let go and moved on, never to return. I'm not sure why people feel the need to do that, since, if you've truly let go, then there's no need to either invite or attend.

There's no reason to go, and there's definitely no reason to be up in arms if she's invited him and, I'm assuming, you as well. Just calmly state to him that doing so wouldn't be in the best interest of your rebuilding process and then watch what he does because you need to know. Huge caveat: I would WAIT until he's actually said anything about actually attending the wedding. There's absolutely NO NEED to jump the gun and say anything about it unless he says that. He may have zero interest in going. Show him some trust, you both need that.

Best,

Myspace CodesMyspace Text Generator, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace, Myspace CodesMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace Graphics

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 11:43am

Thanks for your reply:

Yes, he said that if someone invites you to a wedding, you go. My internal response, not that I said it although I wanted to, is that you go to a wedding unless it's the re-entrance of someone who almost broke up your entire marriage.

He hasn't said anything since then. He didn't even tell me that she called him- I knew she was getting married and I asked one day if he'd ever heard from her about it. At that point, he told me that she had called him. And that's partially why I was upset about it from the getgo. He didn't tell me she had contacted him- he said that he forgot.

You have a good point in that there's no point in getting upset about it- any of it. Getting upset only makes things worse. I guess when it comes to her, I tend to think and react with my heart and not my head.

Thanks again and if you have any other advice, I would be appreciative...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:46pm

>>He didn't tell me she had contacted him- he said that he forgot.<< He didn't forget, he just didn't want to tell you he was in contact with his xaffair partner again because it's WRONG and he didn't want to get in trouble.

>>Getting upset only makes things worse. I guess when it comes to her, I tend to think and react with my heart and not my head.<< You have every right to be upset about this situation. Not only the fact that she invited him to the wedding but that they spoke at all. My husband also had an EA and we decided to rebuild 2 years ago. If his xOW called him to say anything at ALL, I would flip out. It's just not acceptable in any way shape or form, and for him to think it's ok to go to the wedding with or without you is a big slap in the face. His behavior is showing a huge lack of respect to you. I think you should consider talking to a 3rd party (counselor, priest?) because he needs to understand how insane this situation is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:36pm

If he is trying to fix this relationship with you then it he needs to know that it is ESSENTIAL that he needs to be an OPEN BOOK in every which way.

He cannot ever "forget" to tell you he had contact with the other woman while you two are trying to fix things.

If he is trying to work on your relationship, there needs to be ZERO contact with the other woman and he needs to totally 100% focus on you and what he needs to do to gain your trust back. If he doesn't understand this, there is so much more work he should do and he should rethink his priorities and if he still has feelings for this other woman or just plain out needs some outside attention.

You're totally legit in feeling what you're feeling. You don't need to be the nice guy or the understanding one when it comes to giving your opinion on whether he should attend the wedding. HELL NO he shouldn't attend the wedding!

There should be no justification why he should go to the wedding and I'm sorry that he himself didn't tell you that he wanted nothing to do with her and would never even think about going to the wedding. You deserve that and nothing less.