Need real help from you awesome women

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Need real help from you awesome women
5
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 1:38am

First, let me apologize if you feel as though I am invading your message board. I am desperate and I know that a women's perspective is probably best to handle this situation. Womens are experts on love and men don't know much, I recognize this. I am in college and my girlfriend and I recently broke up. I guess you could say we've been broken up since September really, but we were in the "dating, but not dating" situation, so basically dating. This time, I think it is serious. I want to let you know that I am admitting I'm confused. I don't really know if I want to try to pursue her again or not. I mean, she is awesome, probably one of the coolest girls I've ever met, but there are many circumstances preventing the relationship. One being race, my parents want me to marry an asian girl and distance, I love on the other side of the United States has been living around her home (we go to school 3 hours away) all her life. Sometimes I feel so dead in the relationship, but sometimes I know it's worth everything. I'm not very emotional so it's hard for me, but I make sure I try to do all I can, open doors for her, make sure I show I'm thinking about her, etc. and sometimes it is humdrum, but I like to believe that how I feel and what I know are two different things. Sometimes I think I want to be with her for the safety, other times because I know I've found the one. The way she can handle all my baggage, how when she thinks she is smelly I still see her beautiful, that she makes me want to do better and do the best for her. She always worries that she cares too much and that she can't reciprocate what I do in action. I tried to explain to her that I don't care because I speak love in what I do and she speaks love with words. She worries that she's bringing me down. It has really phased our relationship, her thinking that she will never measure up to my expectations. I expect a lot out of her knowing she is capable of so much. We've tried and little has changed and she is still stuck in the fear of leaving and of basically not measuring up so with that clouding her mind it leaves her little room to open up for love all the way. In the beginning it was my doubts and her strength that got us through, but she's not letting me try anymore because she doesn't want to. She broke up with me out of fear of letting me down. She isn't the risk taker and I am, she is kind of square, but that's why we work so well. I try to make sure she tries new things, she keeps me grounded. We're probably talking tomorrow, but I am confused, but I don't want to let this go. She doesn't want to continue a relationship she thinks is heading nowhere regardless of how she feels. She told me two days ago that she struggles but she wants to be with me because we just feel right and can't imagine being without me. I was really pushing for her to let her fears go and just let our relationship continue so we can try and I ended up getting frustrated and pushing her away from me and choosing against me. I really regret this, but it's what I did and it's the reason we're not together right now. She really has her heart set on this now that she had to choose, but I don't know, I know she cares, I just don't know though. Some weeks (very rare these days) she lets go and we have an awesome time and then most of the time her fears consume her, she doesn't like dealing with things so it's tough for her. I want to be there to support her, but I don't know. I can honestly say that I'll be okay without her, but it's not what I want. My parents accept her and love her, just have a preference, and I really hate to lose something that was and was going to be continually growing more and more special. Should I wait this out for myself? Should I try to talk to her? I don't know what to do about her fears and she is so sure safety is more important than her love. She doesn't know what's going to happen and it scares her. I just want to get back to our normal relationship that wasn't filled with arguments and constant relationship talk, I know we're both better than this.

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate any suggestions, advice, or feedback.

P.S. Background on myself, I am kind of a "manly-man" I don't know, I can embody the stereotype in many manners, but I don't think I am clueless about women or how to treat a woman (momma's boy!), I just suck with emotional stuff. I am pretty well-rounded, I don't know! I just wanted to add too that a recent problem was me finding interest in girls as friends, she thought that I would discover that I am more interested in them and fall in love with them, this past week too! I've been away from her for a week and this! I was thinking of writing a song for her and playing Colbie Caillat - Realize, but I don't know is that too strong, I will go by what you ladies say...I am that clueless! We're still planning on hanging out and being friends which is obviously gonna be tough, but really no bad blood, always been honest between us so if I don't know if this is meant to be I don't want this to slip away.

I don't get how things can drastically change in our week apart for Thanksgiving break and with her making a decision.

After reading, my situation is very closely related with the love over safety post. I wish I could make her feel okay that I am willing to compromise so we are both happy. I even thought about e-mailing her mom and explaining how much we care about each other and I want to do everything possible to respect her wishes.

Edited 11/25/2007 1:44 am ET by hdot9




Edited 11/25/2007 2:07 am ET by hdot9
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 6:24am


" I don't really know if I want to try to pursue her again or not. "

Make sure first.Because you will not be able to put your very best if you are half-hearted.That might be being reflected in your behaviour which doesnt make her feel safe.

You want to change yourself for her,that's a good sign.it means she is worth it.right? Since you both have opposite personalities ,thats also good.Normally people say 'we have lots in common'. IMO, opposites get along better.

Your girl does sound like the one you should marry and will be happy with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 2:54pm

Welcome to the board hdot9,


Men are always welcomed, feel free to stick around and give a male perspective on a few of the posts.


It takes two people working on the relationship together to make it work and you mention that the two of you have been broken up since September. Is she willing to work on the issues with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 9:30pm

Well, I am getting surer that she's worth it. I paid and downloaded this e-book and it made some sense, but I have some issues with it. First, it says that the reason the relationship ended was a loss of attraction, for any and all reason, which is why it wasn't worth fighting for. I think I disagree with this. Basically it outlines some steps to increase attraction and reducing the appearance of neediness. Some of it involves going out on other dates, not speaking to her for a month, etc.

I don't know, the method looks very promising, but I think that if I just talked to her things could be better. I think if we talked we could work through her issues with her family, but I am really unsure what I should do. I paid money for the e-book and again it does look really promising, but I really want to talk to her and try to work though things.

If you've heard of it it's the How to Get Back your Ex by Brian Caniglia, here's what he outlines as a no:

# Telling them you love them over and over?

# Apologizing and swearing that things will be different from now on?

# Using money, kids, jealousy, or some other kind of manipulative leverage to "force" them to come back?

# Acting depressed so that they will feel bad for you and come back?

# Giving your ex reassurance that you have changed so they should try again?

# Trying to reason and argue with them about why they should give the relationship another chance?

He says this pushes people away.

I'd rather just admit to her that I got this, was planning on it, but after skimming through it I realized this is sometime we can just talk about and I am not going to go through all this trouble and put her through games. I just want to be honest and her to be honest and for us to find common ground on this. I don't know what to do about her fears, but I want to try to support her and working for a great relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 4:54am

I have never consulted books. Some girls want to hear 'love you' all the time while some never.Dont play games if you know she is being sincere in her feelings.You will repent.

opening doors,etc. are manners nothing special.

Stop expecting anything from her.let her be herself.If you check out other girls in front of her and she is not like them , she will conclude that you actually want that type of girl and are with her for ??

I believe you have a blend of sensitive, quiet and a real 'good' girl at hand and you on the other hand have experience with other kind of girls where they do all the work.For long term love you need the kind of your girl.

Communication on your part will be the key to it.If you cant,write a sweet letter/email and accept that you are unable to express but thats how you feel.You wont lose your respect rather gain because you are being honest.there is nothing wrong in showing your weaknesses.

Try to do little things which matter her the most.Give her a music CD which express your feelings , give a card , dont check other girls in front of her , talk softly and maybe relationship talk is important to her!

Try to love her unconditionally and believe me she will give all her love to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 12:02pm

Hi heissick,


I just had to comment on these two things:


:: I have never consulted books. Some girls want to hear 'love you' all the time while some never.Dont play games if you know she is being sincere in her feelings.You will repent.


Very true, Five Love Langagues by Gary Chapman discusses the 'Verbal Praise' love language and for some people that is not their love language and wouldn't care if they heard 'I love