Need a real womens help here! LONG

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Need a real womens help here! LONG
8
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:15pm
Im a guy here in search of advice!

I was dating this girl for 8 months. We were on and off. She has re-established contact with me after each fight, crying, but never apologized even when she was at fault. I recently caught her with another guy 2 months ago and cut her loose on the spot. She seen me catch her with the other guy. I called her after i caught her (bout 30 minutes later). Knowing she wouldnt answer, i left a message saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and hung up. She didnt return my call, knowing she wouldnt. This has always led me to believe she was always seeing someone on the side of me. Coming home late, not answering or returning my calls, getting phone calls at 2am in the morning while we are sleeping together, and she stopped spending time with me. Recently before i caught her. 2 days prior, we were apart for a month, and she came up to me crying again. My dumb azz took her back, but was cautious to find out 2days later, she's with some other guy.

I met her as her trainer at the gym we both go too. While we were together, she got a gym membership close to her home right across the street. She started to spend more time there, rather than the gym i go too. She would complain when i wasnt at my gym, when she decided to go. That led to arguments as well. After i caught her, she dissappeared from my gym for about a month. She then started to reappear again, ignoring me, as well as me acting as if she doesnt exist.

Im trying to get over her, but i cant if she keeps coming to my gym, when she has one right across the street. She lives 30 minutes away. Why drive to my gym? Shouldnt she be ashamed of herself? I just found out today, which really bothered me, that she was recently hanging around one of my guy friends. He was hiding it from me, till someone else told me today, hearing their conversation last week. Is she trying to make me jelous or something? She knows this guy is my friend. Why is she showing up at my gym. If she wanted to forget about me, she would cutt off all contact correct? Meaning go to her gym. Apparently she's not. She has done this crap before, and ended up talking to me again, because i ignore her.I was almost over her, till i heard this crap today.

I havent seen her in two months till this past saturday at my gym. She walked by to make sure i seen her, and then she left, which is what i expected, since i have nothing to say to her to begin with. Im trying to figure out her intentions here. Its beggining to drive me crazy. Now i cant stop thinking about her, which is why i joined this board for this message, hoping to get a real womens perspective

im 28, and she's 26. I do have my sh!t together. Im a title&escrow officer. I have my own place. 3 cars and a sportbike. Im a personal trainer with a great body. Im confident,independent,respectful,trustworthy,funny and a great guy. I have never cheated on any female. i dont drink,smoke,nor do drugs. I have high values and morals and tons of respect for myself. im not a player, but she has accused me, because of my status,looks etc...... This is the first time, this has happened to me. Im trying not to show, that it bothers me, which im doing good so far.

what should i do? What is she trying to do? She's hanging with one of my boys and showing up at my gym, when she has one right across where she lives, which she joined.Im not going to confront her. She cheated on me, and deserved to get dumped.

any input would be appreciated

thank u

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 8:13am
This woman sounds like SHE'S the player. It takes attention off of what she's doing when she accuses you, as you're busy defending yourself. There are a lot of women like her in the world. It sounds like you've handled the situation well so far. I think that if you could see her as she really is, you could get over her even though she does go to your gym. Recognize her as someone who trifles with people's affections, cares more about her whims than she does other's feelings and is probably shallow in other ways, also. Even if she's intelligent, there is NO substitute for wisdom, which can only be learned from experience. I think you know this, as you asked for real women's help. Sorry you have to go through this! Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 10:29am
Hi, I really think you should continue ignoring this woman. From a female perspective it sounds as if she wants you to run after/ notice her while she flirts with other men (possibly attention seeking).

If you try to remember that sometimes you meet people who you will never understand (i.e. you both have totally different relationship values) it might make things easier. Besides if she is the type of person who can treat someone like that - do you really want to understand why she does it?

You sound like a nice guy so my advice is to leave her to her games and just put this one down to experience

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 12:41pm
I totally agree with the other replies you have gotten - she's a player and she's looking for attention. Ignoring her is the best thing you can do.

I'll try to nicely explain it - she validates herself, her desirability based on the attention she gets from men. She's no longer getting your attention and she can no longer manipulate you into getting that attention. So now she's going out of her way to show you what you 'lost' by coming to your gym and showing off. Since her main goal is attention and not a relationship, you get to her by not giving her that attention. By not fulfilling her objective (of getting your attention). A LA radio talk show host would call her an attention wh0re.

So what do you do? Keep ignoring her, eventually she will give up and move on to someone else. Keep doing your workout. Time your workouts differently..... go in the morning instead of the evening, or whatever if you want to avoid her.

As for your friend, well, he likes her attention and his willing to give her the attention she craves..... but he's not YOUR friend.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 4:49pm
Sounds like she is clueless and immature, hopefully you realize this. Driving half and hour out of her way is a total red flag for how pathetic and desperately needy she is. Women like this make me ill and give good women a bad name. She probably thinks there's still a chance that she can win you back after all she did to you. That should be taken as insulting. You can forgive her so you can let go, but you don't ever have to forget. And I agree with you, once a cheater, always a cheater. For her to try and get in good with your friend is pretty pathetic, too. Are they dating or is she pumping him for information? Either way, it has little to do with him and everything to do with you. Keep ignoring her and if she tries to talk to you, feel free to remind her how pathetic she is, or even go into detail (loudly, so all the other guys can hear) about how hurt you were when you caught her cheating on you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 7:19pm
difficult when i work there after my day jobs. I have a set schedule with great clients.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 8:53pm
So just keep on doing what you are doing. When she shows up just ignore her. If she's difficult to ignore, do your best to fake it and eventually she will get bored and go away. If you respond to her silly childish games then she'll keep playing them on you. Sounds like you've got a lot going for yourself and that just tells me you have the ability to rise above the childish games. You can do this!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 9:45pm
You sound like a really nice guy and certainly don't deserve this bad girl. Trust me, there are a lot of women out there who would kill for a guy like you.

She is testing your patience and showing a lack of respect for where you work.

I think you should ignore her and as each day passes it will get easier for you.

PLUS I think that in a matter of time you are going to find a real hot babe who ADORES YOU and she will be history. Trust me, it won't take you long.


Edited 5/18/2004 9:57 pm ET ET by weston1745

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:11am
She sounds a little immature. I'd cut her loose for good and move on. You sound like you have it together pretty well and it sounds like you should find someone on a more mature emotional level. She sounds like a teenager; flaunting other men around. I'd just continue to ignore her and act as if she's not bothering you. Once she realizes her games aren't having any effect on you, she'll probably go on to be someone elses' problem. Good luck and don't put up with anymore of the juvenile behavior.