Need to reconnect with my husband!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Need to reconnect with my husband!
3
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 2:12pm
So, this is my first post to ivillage & I hope someone can offer some advice!

My husband and I are both 28 years old. We started dating in high school and we’ve been married for almost 2 years (together for 12). We’ve always had a great relationship. We had pretty good communication & always showed affection towards one another. I’ve always been the more affectionate one in the relationship but that’s not to say that my husband didn’t return it…just not as much as I would have liked! Well, since we’ve been married, things have changed. We don’t really talk anymore, he doesn’t show me any affection unless we are going to have sex & he’s just plain old not nice to me! I don’t want to exaggerate the situation…it’s not like this all the time but it happens enough to hurt my feelings and have me doubt his love for me. I’ve explained to him what I’m feeling and instead of working on these things he tells me he has never been an overly affectionate person and if this bothered me so much I should have discussed it with him before we got married. I’m not looking for a complete transformation…I just want him to look at me on occasion the way his eyes light up when he sees a picture of Denise Richards in a Maxim magazine. To ask me to go for coffee on a Sunday afternoon instead of going with his friends (or ask me to do something after he comes back - I don’t tell him not to spend time with his friends). We’re at the point where he’s on his way up to bed (usually goes to sleep early) and ill ask him to kiss me goodnight and he says he’s not going to sleep yet he’ll see me when I get upstairs (he knows I always do house chores at night & I come up to bed very late & he’s always asleep by the time I get there!) I don’t know what to do anymore…I'm tired of fighting & I’m tired of crying myself to sleep…thanks to all who took the time to read this very lengthy post…any help would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 3:07pm
Hi Noula!

Pianoguy is curious....when did your husband start acting the way he does now? Or has this attitude of his been present since "your wedding night?"

It's true that some men are more affectionate than others....but almost every male who is in love with his wife, g/f or s.o. has an ounce or two of desire to please the woman who he shares his bed with!

I suppose if you 2 were together 12 years prior to your marriage...your husband has reached the "burn out stage"----or has kicked around the idea of having an affair?

If you decided to take some time off and left him to fend for himself...could he do it? Or do you think this might accelerate some "dormant feelings" for somebody else?

Your husband either needs some marriage counselling...or there's something "brewing" in the back of his head! Either way...there's no relief ahead for you until you can get him to "open up" to a professional.

Wish you luck on this one.

Pianoguy

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 3:23pm
There is no excuse for him being mean to you. It is time for counseling so that you can work on the communication, affection, respect etc that is lacking in the marriager. Ask him to go with you. If he refuses then that speaks volumnes about how he values the relationship.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 3:27pm
Thank you for replying so quickly…I was definitely wishing/hoping that someone would respond and tell me all I had to do was a, b & c and everything would be ok but it looks like I’m going to need all the luck I can get.

Things started getting like this a few months after we got married. Initially, I thought it was because I was laid off from my job & we were a little tight financially, but I got a new well paying job & things started to get back on track.

I don’t know what it would be like for either of us if we took some time off. It makes me really sad to even think of life without him. I never entertained the idea of him having an affair but then again who does! Since I am the only one he’s ever had a serious relationship with I wouldn’t imagine him having dormant feelings for someone else but I suppose it’s possible that he’s met someone since we’ve been married. I just don’t know anymore.

Thanks again…noula