need relationship help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2005
need relationship help
5
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 1:34am
I have been living with a boyfriend on and off for 3 yrs. He has schizophrenia controlled with meds, and is functional in the world. He is in recovery as I am for alcoholism. He has a very good recovery program for himself.
As for me, I relapsed about 2-3 yrs ago, and when this happens to me I profess my difficulties onto him. I quit my job, and he found the Saki I had drinking in my desk drawer, when he asked me I told him the truth! I left a note for him that indicated I felt rejected, and that he was not helping enough around the apartment.
He has been going to school full time and also working full time,so it has been difficult to manage these priorities, plus me.
I am a very dependent individual, and obsessed with spending every spare minute I have with him. I know I need to do for myself and learn how to care for my 50 yr. insulin dependent diabetes.
Well, he moved out second time he's done it, and did not even talk with me about what was on his mind. I felt very hurt about this. i left the bottle of Saki on the table next to the note I wrote. I went crazy, and cried for days. Alone again!
I did not see him for 2 weeks, and he finally moved into an apt, and told me he needed to be alone.I told him i still wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend, so the relationship was still on until this last weekend, and he told me he needed somethings from me.
He wants me to dress up when I am with him, he does not like any of my clothes I wear, which are usually care free, cotton and colours I like. i told him I did't mind doing this as he has done many things for me in the past. Is this an okay thing for me to do?
I am begging to feel like I am an absolute nutcase.
Our common denominator is SEX, which is wonderful and fulfilling for the both of us.
I am now in the process of seeking recovery again, and figuring out what it is I need to do to take care of myself. We will see each other, maybe,once a week. being unemployed right now has been a bit stressful, but i am managing. I stay in contact with recovery people, go out to different places, and stay SOBER no matter what happens! I am in dire need of some good advice and will appreciate any that comes through via e-mail. This man has always been very supportive, kind, compassionate to me. I was starting to wonder if i have not gotten over my divorce 5 yrs ago yet. That man was a real jerk and i spent 34 yrs with him thinking he would change, and never did!
Thanks so much
Sharyn
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 12:21pm
It sounds to me like you need to find yourself. I know that sounds like, okay how do I do that, but try several things, keep going to your support group, meet new friends, join a gym, find a new job even part time at a store or restaurant that way you will be surrounded by new faces with new ideas. I don't think it has to do with your divorce. I think you are over that, I think you want to use that as an excuse since you didn't mention it until later in the letter.
This guy sounds like a good guy. And maybe he really needs just some time and thats fine. especially if you both relied on eachother for differnt aspects for support. His need for meds to be controlled sounds as if he is doing good job if he can go to school and work you are the one that needs to help yourself first, and that sounds harsh (not intended) but he can't work, go to school, take care of his health needs and yours, thats too much for one person to take on. So if you show you can care for yourself, control your drinking and diabetes and like I said start a part time job or even volunteer he might see that you care enough about yourself fo him to care about you.
I think that was his HIDDEN message in wanting you to dress up.. My marriage is crap half the time but one thing I can say I do is I look good! I have my hair and makeup done everyday, watch what I eat and dress to a T. They say that you should do those things for yourself which I half believe. If I do my hair and make up, I don't want to be in my sweats so I carry myself a little better. But I also do it to show my husband that damn it, he's got something here that is worth more than just a girl to roll around with. If you take care of you... he will follow!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 12:39pm

Welcome to the board skyraven5,


::Is this an okay thing for me to do?

It's ok

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:39am
Carrie,
I am already involved with AA, NA, and a new support grp. called SMART. Smart teaches you how to live life through cognitive therapy instead of working steps. I've done the step work, but it did not teach me how to live and grow.I go to 12 step meetings just to be around people and to socialize. I isolated myself for sometime due to my problems with alcohol. I am reading a lot lately how to remain sober with other methods than 12 step grps. Some people need other ways, and I am one of them, and i know from the people in other grps. make it also...
Thanks for your input. It was much appreciated!
Sharyn
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:03am

Dear jrami,
Thanks for responding! I believe you are absolutely right about taking care of myself! I become so involved with others life I forget about my own! I can take care of myself and have done it before and will do it again! Responsibility is not my strong suit when it comes to me, and I am important person, and will continue to maintain that attitude! I like dressing up! When it comes with a stipulation of :"do it or the relationship is over"
What"s that all about? I was told in my SMART recovery grp. that it was a "control" issue on his part. He tells me I am pretty all the time, and I know this, too..I am working on being the best I can be each day without the use of alcohol. I am great when I don't drink! I can reach out to other people also. I told the grp. when i first started that if I don't get the self management I will surely die, and I am not ready for this!!!!

Thanks again for your reply,
Love, Sharyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:56am

Hi Sharyn,


The links I gave you were to iVillage boards - where you might feel comfortable posting as needed.