need to save my relationship with mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
need to save my relationship with mom
4
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:33am
i moved away from my family when i got married and now we live like 1000 miles apart. ever since i got married she has been calling twice or three times each day. this really made my husban angry becuase it seems as if i didnt get married at all as if i was living at home with mom. she would call me everytime she was going somewhre and when she comes back. today i told her that she calls too much and that i love her but its getting me and my husband into fights. well the way my mom is she got angry and said she will never call me again and that i shouldnt call her either. she said that if i want to come and visit again i can but she will never speak to my husband. i love her and i want her to call but just not 3 times a day. how can i show her that i love her and it is ok that she calls me like once a week or at least every 3 to 4 days.

help .

sad
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:50am
I am sorry for your difficulties with your Mother. I know this puts a strain on you and your Husband. I know you love her, but you also love your Husband, and you are trying to start a life together.

Maybe your Mom feels "alone" and "hurt" now that you are gone, married and moved 1,000 miles away. She doesn't know how to let go (cut the apron-strings). Are you the only child? Is your Mom single? If so, she needs to get out and meet people and try to have a life of her own. Does she work? Is she retired? She may be dealing with a lot right now, and can't adjust to you being gone.

You've told her that you can't speak with her 3-times a day, and she responded by saying "I will never call you again", because she is hurt. Don't take it to heart. She will come around. Try writing her a nice note saying how much you love her, and want to stay in touch with her, and how important she is to you -- try and negotiate how often you will call each other. I think once a week, or every two-weeks is okay.

The bottom line is, your Mom has to come to a compromise. That's what every relationship is about, compromise. You have to find a happy medium.

I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 12:17pm
i love her so much and i miss her but i have a life now and i want her to be a part of it. i hope she comes around. she isnt used to me being away and when i went away to college she called 3 times a day and i didnt really want her to call me that much but i couldnt say anything because i know the way she is, but now i had to because i love my husband and we fight about this all the time. i will try talking to her once she calms down and have my dad talk to her.

i just hope everything works out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:26pm
The only relationship that is suppose to grow naturally apart is that of parent and child, for the child's independence. Three times a day it alittle much.... however the way you put it to her made her feel wrong, unwanted and hurt.

::today i told her that she calls too much and that i love her but its getting me and my husband into fights.

Hey, mom, I've got a ton of errands today, can you call me tomorrow? Wean her. OR screen your calls and only pick up once a day at first, then try the 'call me tomorrow' or hey tomorrow I'm busy, but I'll call you the next day.

I hope you find a way to heal it.... what you said about loving her and missing her is a good place to start.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:35pm
This happened to me when I moved away from my mom. Eventually though she got used to me not living at home and did not call as often. Maybe as time passes she will slack off on the calls. If not have a heart to heart with her without getting angry with each other and explain to her that you are grown up now and on your own and she does not have to worry so much about you.