NEED SERIOUS ADVICE/HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
NEED SERIOUS ADVICE/HELP
3
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 2:12am
Ok where to start. I really don't know what to do here. I have been with and lived with my bf for the past two years. When I met him, my than husband had just left us. My bf now was there to help me out, provide company and we grew close and moved in together. I love him very much but there are just too many differences and problems that I do not think can be worked out and dont know what to do. First of all I am the very romantic type, which he knows this and we have had many arguments over but nothing changes because he is not. He never even holds my hand, kiss's me, when we go to bed at night he is hugging his corner of the bed and I'm on mine and I hate this. Secondly he has always been very selfish which we have argued time and time about. Since we have been together I have paid 90% of the bills, bought all food household supplies and even both our cigerattes (i know bad habit). If we ever run out of anything and I ask him to get something, if he actually does u would think the world was coming to an end. He has never, I mean from day one, taken me out to eat or on a date or anything like that. If we go out to eat, I have to pay for it. He has never given me a BD present, or xmas present or valentine or anything of that nature. He says he doesnt believe in all that stuff. Back in December I was fed up and left him. He called me crying 5 times a day telling me how much he loved me and couldnt live w/o me and stupid me gave in and came back since he promised he would change all of the above and he did for a month of two but now its back to the same stuff. I feel we have no relationship at all. And sex, well thats a joke, if i'm lucky once a month and then its no foreplay at all its jump on me 5 min. and then off thats when he can actually perform at it. I know by now ur saying why are u even staying with this guy. Well thats where the problem comes in. I have been married twice before, the last time he was the love of my life and hurt me very much when he left and I dont feel I will ever find someone to replace him. He was everything that my current bf is not, anyway I have a 6 year old daughter who is crazy about my bf and I am so tired of having to move her around and bring new people into her life. I want stability for her since my now 18 yo son never got it in his life. Also, I do not want to be alone and know I cannot make it own my own so I do not know what to do anymore. I have no family (except two sister who live out of state that I rarely talk to) and no where to turn. All I ever wanted was for someone to love me for me and not be afraid to show it like my ex did until he found someone else, but I feel very unloved in this relationship and at age 41 I have no ideal what to do. Does anyone have any advice for me? Sorry this is so long just had alot to get off my chest!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 6:55am

No real advice...just know you are not alone.

Sorry you got another bad guy.

I've had a string and when I finally found one good one....I was so screwed up from my other relationships that I didn't even notice I finally had a good one. That was at age forty. Now 20 years later, at age 60, I still have no one.

Girls....if you get a good one, don't let your estrogen dump him

I've now gone 20 years without a real lover since I dumped my last boyfriend. Trust me on this, you reach a point and it is over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 10:48am

Karen, the issue here is not that you can't be alone, or that your daughter needs a stable life (although she does), it's that you made a quick decision when you were hurting from the love of your life's rejection, and grieving the loss of your marriage, and you chose Mr. RightNow and tried to make him Mr. Right. Hon, he isn't good for you. He doesn't make you happy, he doesn't pull his weight in the relationship.

The person you need to focus on in order to provide a happy life and a good example for your daughter is YOU. Please consider a few sessions with a counselor to help you find your inner strength and confidence. Then you will be ready to begin a happy and fulfilling life with someone who will respect, love, and be a reall partner to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 2:44pm

Welcome to the board karend2007,


Will he go to marriage counseling with you or read a few good books?


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman


Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix


His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr