need SERIOUS help..b4 I go crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
need SERIOUS help..b4 I go crazy
10
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 10:52pm
Ok guys..pls i really need some help here. My ex gf is causing me to feel at rage sometimes and so angry that I feel like im going to blow. Im writing this to show her how she is so wrong in handling this. Maybe im wrong so tell me if i am but I dont think I am.

Ok. I'll try to be as short as possible. Here are the facts.

Were both 22..we started going together when we were 16/17. Were togetehr for 4 years until a horrible break up. We had a great relationship..wereb oth similar..very good nice people who treat other people well. Basiclaly though she cheated on me..then messed up and went and had sex with 3 other people in the timespan since last July till now. I on the otherhand stuck to my word..like i always do...and have slept with no one because I only will if Im over her and in love with the other person. She broke her promise..disregarded my feelings and me as a person and went and did her thing.

NOw in this process I have still stuck by her and tried my best to get over the things she did. Also I would like to state in this span in the midst of breaking up I got in a horrible accident, paralyzed from the waist down and because she was on her vacation..she went and cussed me and my mother out cause I was asking way too much by asking he rtoc ome home. Anways I tried my best to get over the things she had done and said but I wasnt fully able to ...I would continue to bring it up simply because I wasnt over it yet..I simply havent had enough time or enough time to takl to her about it.

Time has passed and the last 3-4 months have been the worst...slowly and slowly my ager begins to build and I dont know what to do. At times I lose it and say things..call her a slut..shore..many bad things that stem off from what she did but its all out of anger..I truly in my heart dont think that about her. I feel she was young and immature and made some very very bad choices that she is trying to get over...learn..and move on from. Still though she holds what I have said against her. For instance I will say.."hey..can I see you tomorrow night to talk"....ill be ignored...avoided and when she feels liek talking to me she will...Shes too busy oir doesnt want to deal with me or what i Have to say so she ignroes me to escape the pain. Now I admit I have sad some awful things..I have held the things she has done against her..and I say things I shouldnt..but SERIOULSY..shouldnt she be doing something since she wants to make up with me? Why do I have to be the one trying to talk. This is just a mess and when I look at it I know the best choice is probably to move on..but I simply cant do it as I truly feel in my heart we can work and that I really do love her.

All I want is peace..I want to say what I have to say..without getting hung up on..without getting ran away from..I just want to talk in a non confrontational way so we can get along and talk like adults. Life is way to short and were way to young to have to go through this so I want this so bad to be resolved. We loved each other so much and had such a good relationship at one time that I hurt so much knowing we cant even get along anymore. Maybe Im insecure..maybe im a pushover...but I just cant find it in my heart to shun her and leave her go because I know in the long run it will hurt her. I know in time she would she was so wrong and should of talked..but then I feel it will be too late cause I will be over her or with someone else. I just want to fix this or have some sense of peace now.

Can anyone help? cause now Im rambling on and getting myself sad thinking about this crap

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 10:34am
'This is just a mess and when I look at it I know the best choice is probably to move on..'

You are right. Either you are broken up or you aren't. What are you getting from staying angry and calling her names? Is it about her staying around because she is trying to defend herself so she keeps in touch and you don't have to let go?

'For instance I will say.."hey..can I see you tomorrow night to talk"....ill be ignored...avoided and when she feels liek talking to me she will...Shes too busy'

Maybe that is because you BROKE UP.

' feel she was young and immature and made some very very bad choices that she is trying to get over..'

Has she even had time to grow up and mature? It hasn't been long enough if it happened in the last year.

She cheated on you numerous times. Why would you want it to work? When and how would you ever trust her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 3:19pm
Gina,

Let me give you a bit mroe info....

She only cheated on me once in the 4 yrs...it was a 1 time incident and at the time it happened we had been fighitng....

Also...in the midst of being broke up..I was actually moved on..seeing other girls semi getting involved while she was doing the same thing with other guys. That being said we never totally got over each other but I never approached her..I let her go and months passed until she came to me crying ..sobbing saying how bad she wanted it to work. She was sorry for what she did..knew she was wrong and just wanted it to work. While trying I didnt have my heart in it and things never really took off due to my ability to let myself get hurt and inability YET to trust her. Thats how things started with me yelling at her..because she still was seeing other guys even though she would lie through her teeth to my face saying there was nothing else going on.

As it stands now she is not seeing anyone..she has exhausted herself and just wants to be at peace. She doesnt want any relationship and just wants to get her life straightened out. Deeply I know she wants to be ok with me but shes playing games (subconsciously???) Its like if i try to talk to her..and i get ignored..Ill pay for it the next week.....even though at times I just let the whole past go and say "Hey..lets ignore everything and just try to get along..we need to talk...will you come over and talk??" Bam..i get ignored...and the reason is not because she wants to go out..its because i hurt her too much with things i have said..and that I bring up the past too much. Honestly..I only bring up things when Im defending myself...when she comes out and says something about what I did or said..I come back and say "SHUT UP..you have no damn room to talk..the things you did dont even come close to matching what you did"..Then all hell breaks lose because Im throwing the past in her face.

Shes immature...selfish..and incapable of handling adult like problems. SO many times she runs away and hides rather then face reality.

The purpose of this post was to write it and get response and for me to show them to her. BEcause nothing I say is right or means anything...so please if anyone has anything to say to her..She will see it. The only thing that she wantnt me to ad to the original post is that Im still not paralyzed. And to be frank...I didnt even come close to mentioning all teh horrible and mean thinsg she did to me when that bad accident happened, but I'll let that go.

Any word that can help I would appreciate..and anything you have to say to her would be nice as well..she actually is going to post on here too

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 3:58pm
You say 'Basiclaly though she cheated on me..then messed up and went and had sex with 3 other people '

Then you say 'She only cheated on me once in the 4 yrs...it was a 1 time incident'

Did she see the other 3 people after you broke up and if so how was that 'messed up'?

'Shes immature...selfish..and incapable of handling adult like problems.'

Then why do you want to get involved with or stay friends with her?

'when she comes out and says something about what I did or said..I come back and say "SHUT UP..you have no damn room to talk..'

You two are both playing games and it doesn't seem like it would be worth the effort unless both of you were willing to have an adult relaitonship. And it would benefit you to either forgive her and move on or deal with the fact that you aren't over her betrayal.

If she wants feedback I think it would be advantageous for her to post here and write her side of the story so people can help her directly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 4:01pm
jrnotcool...

Pianoguy wants you re-read the 2nd to last sentence of your original post...the one indicating that you want "fix" your problem or obtain some sense of peace!

Don't you understand that an alteration process goes on from teenage years to your 20s? Whether you know it or not...YOU and Your g/f have "grown up in different directions!"

The relationship you had together in high school no longer applies. You want her to be what YOU want her to be...and that's not going to happen. So you call her a slut and a whore...and then turn around and ask: "will I see you Tomorrow?" PUH-LEAZE!

This girl will always be content to ignore you because she knows there are other men at her 'beck and call!' Whether your accident and demands have turned her off isn't the issue. It's admirable that you have been there for her in the past...and perhaps you feel you're entitled to the same respect? But let's be honest...

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU OR BE IN YOUR COMPANY...period!

Can't you accept this? What's the point of pining away your life for a woman who has already made the decision in her life to "move on" without you! The "peace" you want is there---as soon as you grow up and accept this!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 4:13pm
Piano guy...

NO you have it wrong. At first I was a baby about all this and very insecure. It was me crying and whining and being a baby and saying.."How could you do this....cant you give me a try again..etc"

I have since realize Im much stronger then I was...I since have moved on partially and have bought a house...met many many new good ppl and have experimented with other people. Like I said before I did for a while was over over her...I was dating having a good time and not thinking about her as much. I gave her what she wanted and "let her go". I basically told her she made the wrong decision..she wont find happiness elsewhere..and things will only get worse for her...AND I was right. As time went on she saw this..she saw she shouldnt be sleeping around..saw her life falling right in front of her...saw she wasnt living great and knew she had it better with me. She knew how well I treated her .how lonely she was and bam..she comes back to me stating all this..saying how sorry she was and wanted to work things out. I let her go..let her do what she wanted then tried my best to get myself back up but she continued to come back and still saying loving things to me..still say she wants a future..wants marriage etc.

At the time I was moved on (not entirely) and I basically said Ill try it out..very slowly hopefully things will work out. In this process we fought..she never gave me enough time to get over what she had done..and to to Gina..yes..she was with 3 other guys AFTER we broke up..and thats "messed up" Because SHE wanted to keep in contact with me and the whole time she was LYING to me. She wanted her cake and to eat it to..and forever is thinking Ill always be there to fall back on if the grass really isnt greener. SHe was still going out dating guys while coming back to me telling me there was nothing going on. I was always honest and told her if I was dating someone or if I had messed around. Thats why I said its messed up. If she told me the truth and was straight up then I would of handled things a lot different and there wouldnt be as much pain involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 4:34pm
jrnotcool..

You CAN'T change the past nor expect a person to behave the way you want her to! It's a nice idea, but a lot of ivillagers have probably experienced situations similar to yours?

To be blunt...if YOU want to be the "victim" of this girl indefinitely...then go ahead and be the victim. She'll always pull your chain or contact you when she's in the mood.

But if you own your home, can function on your own, and are merely looked upon as a diversion by this woman...WHAT'S THE POINT?

For a man who sounds like he has the capability of moving forward...drop the woman and get on with your life. Stop trying to re-write the past. .

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 4:39pm
What do you want from her? Why do you want to try again if there is so much pain, game-playing and mistrust? Are you trying to prove something to her? Trying to prove that you are the mature one? Are you hoping that people here will tell you that you are the victim and she the villian so you can tell her 'See I was right and you need to change'??

Why not just walk away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 5:31pm
The only reason I have stayed around is because I love her and i know if I move on she will be unhappy and become a mess. I know she is sometimes naieve and doesnt see things for what they are. I find it my responsibility at times to make sure shes ok and to be there for her.

On the other hand I know Im hurting myself and at times I feel the best decision for MYSELF is to move on. Because I was raised by 3 women..my Mom and 2 sisters and I was the youngest child...I have always been extremely sensitive and giving. Always worrying..over analyzing things and trying to help the best I can.

I know me forgetting her....ignoring her...moving on will eventually be ok..but I also know the pain and hurt she will go thorugh when she realizes how bad she messed up and that Im "really" moved on. I feel sometimes all this bs and pain Im going through now is worth it to eventuallyu see her come through and for us to workout...because I KNOW..or I FEEL that eventually..with a lot of work it can workout. Weve talked about kids.family..doing so many things together that we had all that set and I believe if we were older it would of worked. BUt the fact that even after a year of being a apart and still wanting to see each other..loving each other etc..that there is something there. I feel her immaturity and my insecurity at times is holidng us back. I do think we need counseling..and a lot of hard work to be what we once were.

The whole purpose of this isnt for me to state im the victim and shes the villian..its to get ideas and thoughts from other people to share with the both of us. When she lives her life..she obvsiously doesnt have friends that know eveyrhting and can give her sound advice. All she has is guys who think shes attractive and who will say anything to get in her pants...shes a very attractive girl. And the girl friends she has are only concerned about getting her mind off me because shes always sad and distraught about what shes done and wants so bad for things to work between us. So the purpose is to have real people show and tell her and me what "reality" is....so Im not the only one saying teh truth. The only people really that tell her the truth are me and her mother..her mother completely sides with me and always tells me "Just pray for her and be patient."

SO basically..im looking to not prove her wrong..Im not trying to win..Im just trying to do the RIGHT things for the both of us..and at the same time help her.

Thanks for your thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 6:32pm
I gave you a lengthy reply on the other board, which mostly made the same points as the other posters here. The additional information you've provided doesn't change anything about my original opinion, but it does prompt me to add a few more thoughts. So she lied about the details when you were both off sowing your wild oats, in the way each of you saw fit for yourselves at the time. Maybe she wasn't comfortable telling you or feared your disapproval. Lying is wrong, but neither of you really owed that type of information to each other - you weren't in a relationship. You shouldn't make promises to reveal any future sexual encounter with an ex. It doesn't even occur to mature adults to do that. Anyway, something tells me you would've been be just as angry if she had told the truth.

Just as you can't change the past, you can't predict the future. You may believe that without you she will be a mess and forever unhappy, but unless you have a crystal ball you can't possibly know that (no offense but, do you have any idea how egotistic that sounds?) At least without you she will no longer be subjected to the horrible names you call her, and your terrible anger. Be aware that you do not have responsibility for her in any way - she is the only one responsible for her life, and you will only hinder her growth if you don't let her take the consequences of her own choices. Punishing her the way you have been will only make her defend herself, not come to any true personal growth or awareness. No amount of hard work will ever make you as you once were, because you are no longer the same as you once were. Life experience changes us and there is no going back. You are both very young and you both have a lot of growing up to do. If you both insist on trying to work this out, at least stop the destructive behavior and do get couples counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 7:59pm
'The only reason I have stayed around is because I love her and i know if I move on she will be unhappy and become a mess'

You really think she won't be able to cope without you? You aren't doing her any favors by staying around because you feel sorry for her. And I think there is more to it than being a do-gooder here anyway. You are acting passive-agressive and controlling. You even post on a message board for her so you can control the way the relationship is explained.

Let go and you can both do some growing up.