Need some advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Need some advice!
7
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 3:17am
Hi. I'm new to this board. I'm here because i believe me and my husband have a serious problem. A quick background- My husband and I met in high school through mutual friends. We were friends for a while before we actually began dating. We dated all through high school, with very few problems. After high school i went straight to college, my husband, who graduated two yrs earlier was already working on building his career. Throughout the time we were dating he was very much my prince charming. He has a very "rough around the edges" type personality, but when it came to me he was thoughtful, kind, forgiving, and just perfect. He used to sing to me and we have actually danced in the rain, gone on romantic conoe trips, and boating trips, we were always happy just being around each other, and he did the sweetest things like buying me gifts just because i had a bad day and encouraging me, believing i could do anything.
We got engaged after i had been in college 1 yr, then were married 8 months later. We have been married almost a yr now, and everything has changed. I know alot has changed because of time. I'm still a full time student and he works alot, then we have lots of obligations to family and friends and we are involved in church activities. The problem is how he has changed. It's actually pretty hard to explain it- he just makes me feel like he doesn't care all that much anymore. For valentines day he didn't get me anything! I mean didn't even tell me happy valentines day, i thought maybe he just forgot, until he came home talking to me about how stupid this day was and making fun of people who got worked up about. When he realized i was disappointed he went out and bought me all sorts of things but then was really rude and short with me all night. So then for my birthday i just flat out told him what i wanted to do and made plans myself- he forgot! He was late getting home because he went to help his brother work on his house. I was left sitting at home waiting on him instead of enjoying my birthday. More recently he has just started being mean, like if i've been at home cleaning and i forgot to do something when he gets home he yells at me and goes on about how i don't have a job and he doesn't understand why i can't keep the house clean. And just the way he talks to me in general he yells and is rude and inconsiderate. I've tryed to talk to him but he always gets mad and either just walks out of the room and says he doesn't want to talk or it turns into a fight. Don't get me wrong i'm not saying i'm blameless, but i'm trying so hard in every way. I do everything like he wants it done from the way his clothes are folded to how i take care of the bills. I've done everything i can think of to make him stop talking to me the way he does- i've tryed just ignoring him, i've tryed getting mad and yelling back, waiting until he calms down and calmly talk to him- everything and even when it changes for a while he always goes back to it sooner or later.I'm starting to get scared-i can't sleep at night, and so it's affecting my grades my other relationships and probably not helping my relationship with him any. I'm scared he just doesn't love me like he used to and so this will never change. I just don't understand how you can love a person but talk to them like you think they are completely stupid! I'm scared and hurt and i don't know what to do. I know this was alot to read- so thank you so much for reading this and for any advice you have that might be able to help!
Thanks,
lucy2306
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 12:15pm

Welcome to the board lucy,


I am sorry things have changed for you since you got married. It seems to

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 12:32pm
Thanks for the advice. I didn't sleep at all last night so this morning before he left for work we sort of had it out. when i told him how i felt he was so upset and kept saying how sorry he was and wanted examples so he could try to change it, then when i started giving the examples he started fighting w/ me- he was defensive and really seemed to have no clue what i was talking about-then he got so mad but it seemed like he wasn't really mad at me he was mad at himself, but anyways the morning ended w/ him mad going to work and me on the couch crying. i'm so upset i'm aching all over! He wont go to counseling he said he would talk to someone w/ me but won't go to someone we know and honestly thats harder than it sounds my mom is a retired psychologist and his father has built almost every "buisness office" in town-so one way or the other we know them. I just don't know what to do- he really acts like he hates himself for treating me badly, but then literally gets mad at me because i'm crying at something he did to me.- He has said that i'm too sinsitive, but my feelings are that it doesn't matter if i am or not he should take my feelings into consideration. Is it possible that it's like he says i overreact and take things too seriously,and he's not really as mean as i say- or is is possible that he really sees things that much differently in his head- is so why? and is there anything i can do to make him see how he really acts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 1:26pm

In my opinion, I don't think you are overreacting. You said he is very different now than before you got married. So something changed in him.


Maybe you could give us some examples of things and we could decide if you were overreacting.


You did say he didn't get you anything for V-Day until you said something and then he was mean about it and that he forget the plans for your bday and was busy helping someone else. It makes sense to me that you would be upset about these things.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 1:52pm
You and I are in similar situations. The major difference is that I am not married. I do hear your frustration and pain loud and clear. Here is a little background on my situation. My guy and I first dated, we were together for about 7 months, then we split up for almost a year then we started dating again and have been together now for almost a year and half. By the end of the year we will have known each other for 3 years. We share so many things-we like to do the same things, have the same religous beliefs, we have alot of fun together! At least we used to. Things were so beyond great until we moved. I wasn't thrilled with my job and he was miserable at his. We both wanted something better and the town we lived in was small so there weren't many opportunities. We both looked there-and when nothing came up we talked and decided to move-together. Since we moved things have changed so much-and not all for the good. Now he doesn't talk to me-except about mundane things like how work is going or the weather. When I try to tell him about how I feel-even if it is just about how I feel, or if he has hurt my feelings (unintentionally)or if we get into an argument about something he just shuts up and doesn't say anything-at all. If I ask him a question it is like talking to a brickwall. He doesn't even acknowledge that I have said anything to him, much less ever answer my question. IF he does say anything its "I don't know" and that is all he will say about anything-even when I ask him if he loves me and wants to be with me. Not too long ago he told me that people always say things they don't mean when they are angry, but what I don't understand is why he has to say them at all-especially if he doesn't mean it! He is not verbally or physically abusive and there have been moments when I could tell he felt bad about hurting my feelings. Most of the time I feel like he does not care about my feelings or how I feel about things. Here are some things I can suggest trying. See if he will go to counseling-go through your church pastor or the couples director-sometimes they can hook you up with another couple that can help mentor you through tough times and help you be able to talk things through. I heard something last week as the pastor talked about family and marriage-couple who pray together stay together. You can also see if he would be willing to read some relationship help books and you can talk your way through them together to help you both see where you go wrong and ways to be more productive in your communication with each other. Since things always escalate and you don't get anywhere when you do try to talk to him you might try writing a letter to him. Make it from the heart and all about your feelings. Just don't forget that you have to be true to yourself and your feelings. If he is not willing to do his part and meet you somewhere and put forth as much effort as you are then you need to think about how that makes you feel. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? I am here if you need to chat or vent. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 3:22pm
It sounds like you are experiencing early on what I have been experiencing for almost 18 years. Although it hasn't gotten really bad until just about 5 years ago. I have the same problems with my husband. The reason I haven't left is because we have 3 kids together. They are almost grown now (my oldest graduates high school this year). If I could go back to where you are now(early in the relationship)and knowing what I know, I would have called it quits. My husband was also that nice, flower giving, door opening, fun loving guy at one time, but I believe that was all a show to win a prize and once the prize was won, the show is over. The only thing I cherish about my relationship with him are my kids. He himself hasn't made my life easy at all. He always complains, but never helps out and is never considerate of my feelings.
I don't mean to bring you down even further, but I thought that my experience might help.
Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 5:35pm
First of all i want to thank everyone for the advice. Brandon came home from work early today and is talking about buying me a new car. He's been sweet and actually started cryinng. Now i feel like i have a new problem. He has these ups and down and i guess until they started affecting me so much i just never really noticed them, but now that i look back he did always have those "emotional rollercoasters" just never with me. Could it be that this actually has less to do with me than i think. Could he have a problem? And also if he does, but he won't talk to a professional then how will we ever know for sure? Then if he does then what do i do? Even if it's something medical like that- i can't continue letting him talk to me that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 10:34am
If you think he has something going on with him, the only way you will know for sure is if he sees a professional. If he doesn't, I don't see things changes. You will always have these rollercosters.
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