Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Need some advice
11
Sat, 05-31-2008 - 1:13pm
Ok, I will try and make this short as possible. I have posted on other areas, thought I would give this site a try. I have been talking to my boyfriend for 6wks, intimate for 4 weeks (approx) We met on an online dating site, which I was on there as a joke with another friend. It ended up where I talked to this guy everyday throughout the day for 2weeks before we actually met. He is divorced and has sole custody of his two kids. I also am "getting" a divorce and have custody of my two kids. (both of us have a 5yr old boy, and a 2yr old girl) Anyways, so we met up, hit it of instantly. The attraction was there immediately. We went for the next couple weeks texting ALL day long, talking on the phone every night, and even seeing each other a couple times a week. We spent the weekends together 3weeks in a row. He had my kids and I go to a family picnic over memorial day weekend. I met his whole family, who told me as well as him that i am a good catch for him, and glad we are together. I have been the first to meet his family since his ex left Feb 07. Anyways, my problem is, that this is the first weekend we haven't spent together, and he is without his kids. Monday we spent the whole day together at his house. Tuesday I started my job and have worked all week 8am-4pm so I don't have time to see him. Tuesday night I tried to contact him on several occasions...text and called twice. He never got back to me. When I looked at a site he is still on...not the singles site we met on...he was logged in. He was logged on there 3 times that I noticed. Once around 3pm, once around 9pm and once at 12:30am. So.....I mentioned that he must be keeping his "options" open and looking for something better. He insists that I am the only one, and that I need to believe him. He has YET to tell me his feelings for me, which worries me. He has told me the usual, your hot...beautiful...blah blah. He has yet to say any feelings. He says with time he will tell me. (whatever) I tell him all the time how I feel about him, good or bad. Anyways, so Wed went all day with no word either. Wed night he called at 8pm and asked how work was. We ended up talking for over an hour. Then he said he was going to bed. I text him goodnight when I went to bed, and he claims he never got it. Then on Thursday he called and talked for 75mins and I was thinking things were back to normal again. Friday we text all day while I was at work since it was a slow day. He was back to him normal texting and funny self. Then at 5pm, his kids got picked up, and at 7pm he stopped contacting me. He said it was gonna be a boys night out. I told him to have fun. I text him his normal...morning pics of me that I always send him....haven't heard any reply back. I know he was going to go boating with his brother today. But it just worries me that he was on this site.....and that now this week it seemed like he was distancing himself. I may be looking to much into it, but he also told me on Thursday that I am the total opposite from what he is used to dating. I am a size 0-3 and the smallest girl he says was 5/6 that he has ever been with. And his X was a size 11. So.....I said, "you say it like it is a bad thing" He is like, no, I thought you can't always date the same style. So....I wont see him again until next weekend when I stay there for the weekend. Do you think I am looking WAY to much into this, or do you think he is being distant to keep his options open for someone else. I have asked him out right, and he says it bothers the heck out of him when I say stuff like that. So I TRY not to fret over it. Of course having a trust issue goes along with my X. But I just want to know what everyone else thinks. I know when I asked him on Friday if he missed me, cuz I missed him. He said, "No, you don't give me any time to, just kidden" So I am TRYING to make him miss me by not contacting him today. But it is absolutely killing me. I just wonder if he had a date and ended up at the house with her, and I will NEVER know.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 05-31-2008 - 1:32pm

I think the way you present yourself and the way you approach dating is scary. I'm sorry, that's the only word I have for it. SCARY.

You are extremely over analytical. So what if his ex was a size eleven and you are a size three. You send him pictures of yourself every morning, talk with him for hours, aren't divorced yet, get nervous about him not sharing his feelings, and you CONTINUALLY ACCUSE him of dating other people and not having feelings for you.

Girl you are a MESS. And if you act like a mess you will lose every man you start anything with. He can't do anything right, he can never act the right way for you. I'm not sure why you're bringing your kids into this when you've been "talking" to him for six weeks. You need to slow yourself down, get your head on straight, clear your mind and start looking at how incredibly paranoid you are acting. You sound like a crazy woman, and men do not like to date crazy women. A crazy woman makes a man's life very difficult because he can never do anything right for her.

I'm sorry to be harsh but your post really disturbed me. Perhaps it would make sense to stay out of dating until your divorce is final.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sat, 05-31-2008 - 3:01pm
The whole problem is that you're trying to get too serious way too fast. Two weeks after meeting was way too early to start having sex. The six weeks that you've been together is still a very short time to be dating. He may not have feelings yet, and it's nothing to worry about if he doesn't given how early it is. If you hadn't gotten all these expectations so quickly, you wouldn't be stressing about it. You still don't know him as well as you might think, and he's still likely on his best behavior around you. If you think you see him changing, it's more that you're starting to see who he really is. If you haven't talked about exclusivity yet, then you shouldn't expect that he wouldn't still be looking around. Having sex doesn't mean that you're exclusive.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-31-2008 - 3:09pm

What sort of "feelings" are you supposed to have for someone you only meet a few short weeks ago, other than lust and attraction?


SLOW THE HECK DOWN!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Sat, 05-31-2008 - 3:25pm
I totally agree with most of the recent posts. YES, I do think we took it WAY WAY to fast!!! Like I said, we talked for two weeks straight all day and most of the night. We were totally into each other on the phone, and it was one of those things when we met....I guess we let the "lust and attraction" take over instead of being wise adults. I totally agree there. HOWEVER.....I didn't at first want anything to do with him since like I said I was on the website as a joke. HE was the one who wanted a serious relationship blah blah blah. He told me I had to let my guard down and give him a chance. I did finally do that, and opened up to him. I have told him things that my X doesn't even know. I have been totally honest and myself this time right from the begining. No front, or having to pretend I am someone I am not. It was great, we get along wonderful, joke with each other etc etc. I tend to let me emotions get involved once the "intimate" part comes in....so....that is just how I am, being a women. I take that Very serious to me. HE agreed that once we did that too, that it was serious. BUT I just don't see him that way now. I am not sure if he has second thoughts or what. I haven't talked to him today yet. And the pics I send in the morning are requested from him. He asks for me to send them. So it isn't like I send them to him to be a freak. Your posts though did help out a bit. I know I need to trust him and not freak out. I guess I just needed the "slap" into reality check. I told him I feel like a crazy women at times the way I worry. He just laughs at me. Thanks for the advice!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-31-2008 - 3:35pm

Well, that's part of the problem--you talked too much and too often before you met so you had a false sense that you knew him when you finally met in person but you didn't really know him--we call it the "false sense of intimacy" on the OLD board, and it's pretty common to make that mistake especially if you're new to OLD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Sat, 05-31-2008 - 5:16pm
Yeah, I totally should have seen it coming I guess. I don't think it is OVER for good. I just think he is "taking some time off" type of thing. Cutting back on our talking all the time. I had a really HIGH guard up when I first started talking to him. I didn't trust what he said, and wasn't even interested at first. I finally gave in and actually started to show a bit of interest in him, then we talked on the phone, and text. Finally when I met him I was more comfortable than I normally would. It was a really weird feeling. Then it was like the more time we were together, the more I wanted. And actually we weren't suppose to see each other for like 2weeks. He was the one who called me and told me to come to see him on Monday. Which I did, and we had a nice time together. Now we wont see each other until Next Friday. So we have one more week without seeing each other. I guess that will be the test. And I haven't talked to him today, and refuse to be the one to call....I will let him contact me if he wants to. Thanks for your help. And I guess I thought he was coming on to strong at first too. But thought maybe it would be fine. We both agreed on things, and seemed like we were in the same "boat" I guess we will see.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Sat, 05-31-2008 - 6:35pm
Since you are spending next weekend with him - hold off on jumping to conclusions yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Sat, 05-31-2008 - 9:26pm
THANK YOU!!!!! Finally someone who actually gives me some advice that will help! I truly appreciate what you said. I will do just that. I haven't heard from him yet today, but the day is not over yet. I know he was going out on the boat, so I will let him be today. I will definatly use your advice. THANKS THANKS THANK!!!!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-31-2008 - 9:41pm

But that's just it--you don't know him well enough yet to have any idea if he's really sincere, and not just caught up in the moment and the excitement of meeting someone new, when you "agreed on things", or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 06-01-2008 - 2:47am

Welcome to the board grantsma2002,


I think Sheri pretty much said it with the talking too much, sharing too much comment/info she gave you.

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