Need some advice - please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Need some advice - please!
6
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 10:44pm
I went out with a girl named Tammy on Jan. 15 of this year and we had sex. A month later, I went on a date with a different girl named Laura and we hit it off. We have been dating ever since and things are getting serious. Today, March 17, Tammy called me to tell me she is pregnant and I'm the only one that could be the father. She is going to get an abortion. (Save your opinions on the abortion part, please.)
Should I tell my current gf about the abortion? I feel the need to be honest, but I don't want to ruin my current relationship. This has been one of the worse days of my life. I'm not a Springer episode. I just made a poor decision. Advice please! Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 12:24am

I'm not sure there's a right or wrong answer here - it's more about the dynamics of your relationship with Laura.

If I were Laura, I'd want to be able to help you through this time. To be included in your thoughts etc. However, there are some women who would get bent out of shape if an issue such as this came up. I think it really depends on how mature Laura is. If she's insecure and prone to jealousy, I'd keep it a secret. But if she's confident and caring, I'd share.

Another thought....even though the abortion is happening right now, this really is an issue related to your past. And as such, it's really none of your girlfriend's business. You certainly have the choice whether or not to say something, but you shouldn't feel obliged.

Lastly, is there any chance on Tammy not going through with the termination? If Tammy does change her mind, then you have to tell Laura abut the baby ASAP.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 4:33am

Hi freshy1979 and welcome to the board.


I think iv_aisha2004 gave you some great advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 10:30am

Thank you for the advice - extremely helpful.

I spoke with Tammy this morning and she is going through with the abortion this week. She wasn't just some random girl - she is a friend that I have known over two years. That has made it a little easier because I trust her. I am going with her for the procedure.

At this point, I don't think I am going to tell Laura. I feel like the risks outweigh the rewards. Laura is wonderful - as sweet as can be and I really see a future with her. My only worry is that if it starts to eat at me and I need to tell her. Part of me just wants to "come clean" but again, I worry about the risks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 10:34am

Thank you for responding.

No, Laura doesn't know anything about Tammy. As it said in my previous posts, we are friends and it was just a hookup one night that shouldn't have happened. Tammy isn't an extremely close friend so I don't think that Laura would ever meet her - even by chance would be very unlikely.

There is a part of me that wants to tell Laura that I "got a girl pregnant in the past" and be very non-descript about it. Is that lying, telling, or half-truthing? The only purpose it would serve is to get it off my chest.

As you can see, this is torturing me, which is why I'm here. Thank you to all for reading and responding. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 5:37pm

Well, I am 100 % with you on the honesty thing. You don't ever want to keep anything hidden from the person you are with. But at the same time, this occurred before your current girlfriend so I don't see why you should be obliged to tell her. I would tell her if the girl decided to keep the baby and that is because it will then have an impact on the relationship. If things are going good between you, then don't ruin it by telling her this. I understand you were having fun and wasn't committed at the time but as a woman, our minds get to churning and she may form a negative impression about you. If you know you will be faithful to her then I say don't tell her.

I wished the girl my husband cheated on me with had the mind of Tammy. She is pregnant and wants to keep it even though they agreed in the beginning to abort it. I can't see myself staying with him if she has this baby. Her mom has said that she will adopt it and wants him to waive his rights but the girl is telling me that she has the ultimate decision and that she will make it when the baby is born. I know it's wrong but things would be so much better and I would be able to repair my marriage if this baby wasn't born.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:47pm
HI
For what it is worth, I personally don't see why it would ruin your present relationship. The pregnancy is a result of a relationship that happened BEFORE you met your current girlfriend and should have no bearing on what is going on in your life now. If you were NOT involved with Laura at all while you were romancing Tammy then it doesn't involve or affect Laura in any way. (If you cheated on one with the other that would be different). Unless Tammy is going to require something of you (that will affect your current relationship) during or after the abortion, I don't see any reason to involve/tell Laura at all. What happened in a prior relationship really should stay there--unless of course it would somehow have a direct effect on a current relationship. Example: children that you would be having visitation with, paying support for or (eventually) might want the new person to spend time with. Obviously they would have a direct effect and be part of, a current relationship. ****If you feel very strongly about telling Laura then I would be sure to make it clear that although recent, the relationship with Tammy was prior to you knowing Laura and is over. Nothing has been going on since you broke it off with her or began dating Laura and you just felt the need to tell her that Tammy had called to inform you of the circumstances and her solution to the problem. If Laura is a mature individual she should be able to understand that all this happened BEFORE she came into the picture and does not affect her or the feelings you might have for her now.
Please use common sense and protection in the future. Good luck to you....