Need some advice PLEASE?
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 08-29-2004 - 12:38am |
Ok.. where to start...
I started working at a pizzeria here in town in June. I met this great guy there, but we have a lot of bumps between us.
1. He is hispanic and barely speaks English, but he is learning quickly.
2. He is a very jealous person and hates it when i'm around other guys.
There's more but that pretty much sums up the bumps.
I made a commitment to my mom about 5 months ago that I was going to move from Illinois to Kentucky to help her through school. She is going back to school to be an RN, but at the time that I made the commitment I didn't have anybody else to think about. Now she has moved and I came back to Illinois, after I helped her move, for my birthday. I ended up staying longer than I was suppose to so that I could help my grandma with her house now that it is sold, and my boyfriend isn't wanting to let me go. He tells me all the time not to go and to stay with him. That becomes a problem on so many levels because:
1. I already made the commitment to my mom that I would help her for these 2 years while she is in school.
2. I'm afraid of living with him because I am still a virgin and if I live with him that would put pressure on me to be with him sexually which I am definatly not ready for.
He is so set on me staying that because i'm suppose to be leaving tomorrow, I am getting so sad because he says that if I leave and don't plan on coming back that he is going to go back to Mexico and not come back. I really love him but my mom has been there for me in so many ways that I can't just abandon my obligation to her. She needs my help and she depends on me more than my sister. I sometimes hate that because I can't be free to start my life because of her. I also do not want to be in Kentucky. I am not a southern person. I was born and raised in Illinois and where i'm at now is where I am comfortable. Being uprooted to Kentucky is a huge change that I don't think that I want to make.
My relationship with my boyfriend is good and I know that there are a lot of barriers in front of us, but I think that if I give it a chance that we could make it through the barriers. I sometimes wish that I could just cut myself in half and send half to my mom and keep the other half here with him.
If anybody can give me advice I would really appreciate it. I am open to anybody's suggestions and opinions.
Krystal

I know this may be difficult for you but you should keep your commitment to your mom and let the boyfriend go. Your emotions and possibly hormones are making you feel like you probably can't live without this guy but try to think intelligently about how long this guy has been in your life (a few months) versus the 18years your mom has been there for you.
You have a lot of things going against this relationship with this guy. And, if he has to go back to Mexico then that's HIS problem. You're not obligated to help him there. If this guy was truly honorable he wouldn't put the guilt trip on you and he'd do what he could to try to be with you later. And, your virginity is very precious so don't put yourself in a situation where a fleeting boyfriend takes that away from you.
You are very young and you have a lot of years to find another boyfriend without having to feel rushed or pressured.
Be strong Krystal and try to be very level-headed about your decisions. Don't take your mom furgranted because you think she'll always be there for you. She probably will be but don't put this short-term guy before the promise you made to your mom. You'll regret it down the road.
You're 18 years old and you need to make some responsible, adult decisions Krystal. Don't just think about yourself and your hormones. Think about the consequences of possibly losing your virginity to someone who may not be willing to be responsible to help financially or emotionally if you become pregnant. Think about how breaking your promise could break your mom's heart. You probably can't imagine the issues you'd have getting involved with a guy from another country who sounds like he doesn't even have US citizenship. There are red flags popping up all over your situation.
I pray that you will be smart and reasonable about your decision.
Take care,
meels
I have been going back and fourth on this whole thing since I got back to Illinois. The most important thing to me is my mother. She has been there for everything. That is why I was thinking that I should proabally go back to Kentucky to be with her and help her but I hate hurting other people. I know that it is enevitably going to happen, but I try to avoid it if it's possible, but in this situation, either way I go I'm going to hurt somebody.
I know that I am young, but I don't think that I am letting hormones get in the way of my decision. It is more of my feelings for this guy and the love that I have for my mother. I have also been told that I am very mature for my age, but that mostly comes from the way that I was brought up. I had to learn to grow up at age 11 so that is why I am trying to weigh out all options.
I have not once planned on losing my virginity to this guy. Like I said in my post, I am waiting until marriage no matter what. I've waited 18 years and I'm not about to just throw that out the door. You are right, it is very precious to me and you are also right that I am not in any situation to have kids. That is why I haven't done it yet. I want kids, but when I'm financially stable enough to take care of them with or without thier father. I want to go to college and make something of myself unlike the rest of my family when they were my age.
You're right, he does not have US Citizenship, but where I am from, It doesn't really affect me and the way that I feel about him. If he decides to go to Mexico and not come back than that is his choice.
The other reason that I was thinking about staying like I said in my post is that I am not a southern person. I am use to the city and suburbs. The only reason I made the comittment to my mother was because she was practically begging me but now that I am back I am having second thoughts because I don't want to leave everybody that I've gotten close to in these past few years. That is going to be just as hard as leaving my boyfriend and/or leaving my mother down there to fend for herself. I just need advice and opinions, that's all I was asking for.
Thanks so much for the advice,
Krystal
I have definatly tried talking to my mom but it is really hard because she is very racist. That's why I tend to keep my personal life out of her mind because I don't think like she does about people from other backgrounds. I think of people as being either the same or different and accept them for thier similarities or differences.
We actually had a conversation about my boyfriend the other day and that is when I could tell really bad that she was not going to accept my relationship weither I went with her and had a long distance relationship with him or weither I stayed here with him and my friends.
I have tried telling her that I don't want to be in Kentucky but every time I do she gives me the guilt trip about how I made the promise to her and how she can't survive financially without me.
Krystal
Edited 8/29/2004 3:08 am ET ET by k_lacewell
Edited 8/29/2004 3:09 am ET ET by k_lacewell
my parents were also somewhat prejudiced in terms of wanting me to be with a catholic hispanic man. i married an atheist caucasian man and now they love and accept him. i was raised in america so i did not agree with a lot of their values. we were at war with each other for many years but we continued to stay close.
at your age you will be influenced by your mom's wishes as long as you let her get to you. as you mature you will start deciding what wisdom and advice you value from your mom and which things you just cannot accept. life is not always fair so sometimes you just have to make the best of the cards dealt to you. did your mom postpone going to school while she waited for you to graduate because she was a single mom or because she felt like she had to put you before her needs? nursing school typically lasts 1-2 years. is she just asking you to help her out for a few years? maybe you can look at it positively and feel good about helping out your mom and in the meantime make the best out of your time in kentucky. or is she asking you to help her out when you honestly believe she would be okay without you and that she's unfairly putting this burden on you? you need to ask and answer your own questions to help you get a clear picture of what your life situation really is.
you have some tough decisions to make. i don't have any further advice for your specific situation because i don't really know what's going on in your life. i just have some general advice: try to play out different scenarios and decide which choices you think you really can live with and regret the less. pay attention to those butterflies in your stomach and how fast your heart is beating. a lot of times physical signs will tell you what the right decision is for you. if you feel sick to your stomach, maybe you need to make a different decision. if you can take a deep sigh of relief and feel peaceful, you're probably making the right decision. whatever you decide i know it will be difficult and someone will get hurt. that's okay. you can't make everyone happy. there's rarely PERFECT choices or situations. just be okay with making the best choice for your situation.
good luck krystal. i'll say some prayers for you tonight,
meels