need some advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
need some advice please
6
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 7:43pm
I am 22 years old, my boyfriend is 24 we live together, just bought a house and a new puppy. Our relationship is fine. We have had our ups and downs as in any relationship, but everything is ok. We have been together for 5 1/2 yrs. Now this is more of my issue I can't stop obsessing over getting engaged. I have become so bitter that I make this issue my whole entire life. We have talked about it and there is a ring he is paying on, I don't want just the ring I want what comes along with it. I know he loves me and I love him and he will ask me someday, my problem is I can't stop obsessing over it. All of my friends and one of his friends are engaged, getting married, having babies etc. They hav only been together 1 yr, 7 months, 2 yrs etc. I get so upset because we have been together for 5 years and still nothing. I want to plan the stuff and talk about my wedding plans and have a family. I want what everyone is getting. I get so mad at my boyfriend and become so irritable with him for this, when he has reassured me. How can I stop obsessing? has anyone else gone through this?



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 6:18am

well the question is this - do both of you agree that you will get married "someday"? and that the buying of the house, the saving for the ring, are just a few steps on the way to getting married? or are YOU the one who wants to get married, and he is not so sure (not that he is not sure about you, but that he is not sure about getting married EVER.)


if you both are in agreement about getting married, and this is not just something "assumed" by you, then i truly think you need to look at the BIG PICTURE here and just stop obssessing. you are concerned with the 'external entrapments' of weddings, instead of thinking about the 'future'. a wedding celebration, with all due respect, is a big party that lasts for a few hours and costs alot of money. but a MARRIAGE - is something that should be forever, and it is an important step. its not something that you do just because all your friends are getting married.


here are a few points that should concern you:


< I get so upset because we have been together for 5 years and still nothing.> i wouldn't say that you have NOTHING. you have a good relatinship, you have a house, you have a dog, you have your BF saving up for a ring.


this might have worked for you in grade school, but if you are grown up enuf to be thinking of marriage - you need to mature. you don't get "what everyone else is getting" - you need to get whats best for YOU and for your BF


is this the ONLY problem in your relationship?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:17am
Yes, you've been together for 5 years. Bear in mind that you've only recently gotten to a point in your ife where a marriage would have a good chance at surviving, though. Marriage has a lot to do with timing.

It's hard to see your friends moving on to the next step without you. Sort of like being passed up for a promotion at work that you know you deserve, only to see it go to someone who's worked in the mailroom for 2 days. You can take comfort in knowing that he is going to ask, and that you're not one of those poor women pining away hoping the guy will ask someday when he's never indicated an interest. He's paying for the ring for goodness sake... you need to be real about the situation and appreciate what you have. You have a great relationship that's lasted for 5 years...obviously something has made it successful. I'm betting it's not an engagement ring, either.

I know it will be hard, but get a grip and stop acting spoiled. The courtship phase is short (in comparison to the married phase). Soak up the last little bit of it while you can.

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:09pm
Thank you for your responses, I have been thinking alot about it, and your points are valid and I do sound like a brat. We do have alot going for us, and he is paying on the ring, the ring is not only what I want it is the commitment, the stability, the family.. what comes after. I know that I can't say "well I want what everyone is getting" I feel like I deserve it more then they, for they have not worked through tough times and gone through the things me and my bf have. My bf does want to get married. It bothers him also with money for the ring, his one friend who got engaged got the money from his parents. My bf does not have that option and I have offered to help but he won't let me. I see the BIG PICTURE and it makes me want it more. I realized though that I can't do this, and one day I will be engaged, and I can enjoy what we have now. Thank you for the advice it has helped
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:26pm
You think you deserve more, I think he thinks that too, that's why he is waiting 'till the time he can give you all that you deserve. Be patient and don't pressure him, if he is paying for the ring, he definetely wants to get married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:13pm
Glad I could help Karen. :)

Hang in there... you've got a good one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:49pm

i honestly think that your BF is following the right path - he SHOULD be paying for these things on his own, and not borrowing from his parents. i do think, however, that if YOU feel differently, you might want to consider seeing a financial counselor so that both of you will be in sync, in the future, regarding money --- spending, saving, who pays for what, etc. its one of the major problem areas in a marriage, and its a good idea to get this squared away BEFORE you get married.


good luck to you!