Need some advice please....
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Need some advice please....
| Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:47am |
My ex and I had been dating for a year and a half, living together for 6 months. Recently we'd had some problems: he was jealous and insensitive and didn't appreciate what I'd do, but that seemed to change when he got a huge promotion at work 4 months ago. He had less time for our relationship, but that's alright because he'd worked so hard to climb that ladder and I fully supported him.
Things began to change negatively though; he got really cocky and full of himself, saying things like "What do you know? You're only in school, I run a multimillion-dollar fitness facility." (I'm pursuing my second bachelor's degree in diagnostic imaging/nuclear medicine) I would ignore him and just continue studying and trying to make our apartment a happy home, cooking him dinner when he came home, cleaning, grocery shopping (we split bills/expenses 50-50). Meanwhile he would go out drinking with his friends and neglect me, coming home hungover at 7 a.m. sometimes.
Now trust me, I know that he was not the guy for me...I've heard it millions of times from my friends. He would get jealous if I talked with a guy - one time he grabbed me and shook me because he thought I was flirting. I work at a gym, and males just happen to go there. I never crossed the line and I remained 100% faithful because I believe in being faithful to someone you care about.
Anyway, because of his job being an hour commute from where we live, he decided he was going to move down closer to his job with his best friend from college - aka, drinking buddy. They're fine on their own, but put them together and half of their brain cells cease to function - I've seen it happen, and it ain't pretty! BFFC (best friend from college) would influence my ex to binge-drink, start fights, and even drive drunk. So I was apprehensive when my ex told me they'd be living together, but for his job's sake, I wasn't going to hold him back from his career. We decided we'd concentrate on our jobs (his work, my education) but we'd make time for each other because we loved each other and cared about our relationship.
Christmas came; my family and I went to Indiana to visit extended family for 4 days. He was traveling to see his extended family at his sister's house, an hour drive away. He asked me to call him when my plane touched down because "I hate you traveling on the holidays with so much terrorist stuff going on." I called him, and he sounded so happy to hear from me and that he'd call me later on that night. That night, I'd been so wrapped up with spending time with my family to realize he hadn't called. I figured he was up at his sister's already; we'd touch base Christmas morning.
All Christmas day he didn't call, but I was occupied with visiting relatives, watching Lord of the Rings, bowling, etc. I got a hold of him that night around 9:30. He said he was sick and in bed; he didn't go see his sister or family. Odd, I thought. He sounded grumpy and said he'd call me the next day. He didn't, so Friday night I called him around 10:30. He answered the phone and I could barely hear him because of noise in the background. He asked me why I was "interrupting him" out at the bar when he was with BFFC drinking together. He also said drunkenly, "This just isn't going to work out between us, don't call me." I was crushed.
Saturday night I checked my email and I got a notification from Cingular to pay his phone bill. We would do it online; he would review his minutes and give me his credit card to pay it; I would do it because he is computer illiterate and doesn't have email. I reviewed his minutes and I noticed two suspicious numbers, both incoming, and he had made outgoing calls to the numbers on Friday and Saturday from 11 pm to about 4 a.m. I had a sick feeling, so I called the numbers and got a girl's voicemail. I called my ex a million times to ask him who this girl was but he didn't return any of my calls or messages. I was hysterically crying all night and the rest of the trip home.
Suinday morning in the airport I finally got ahold of him; I asked him who this girl was and he said it was an employee of his. Big pile of bullsh*t, I said, you don't talk to employees until 4 a.m.!! I told him to make sure he was at the apartment when I got home. When I got home he was there and he said this wasn't going to work out. This girl was someone he'd met on Friday night. He denied anything physical happened, but he has a very extensive track record of cheating prior to me. I told him to get his things and get out. He left. I went to my parents' house to recuperate.
The next day he stopped by my apartment and begged me to take him back. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him, I made him so happy, he made the biggest mistake of his life, he didn't realize how good he had it until I was gone, etc. He said that girl was just an egotrip, she made him feel attractive by hitting on him, and he did nothing to stop it because he was going through a period of "low self-esteem," and she made him feel hot. I told him I still loved him but didn't trust him anymore so it would never work. He begged me until I told him to pack his things and get out of my life.
Now he stil has things at my apartment, it's been a week. I've surrounded myself with close friends and family - they all agree he is a jerk. He says he'll pick his things up this weekend; I packed them in boxes for him because I can't stand the sight of them but can't put them out on the curb as many of my friends say to. I've had so much support from people I work with when they heard what happened through the grapevine; turns out not many people genuinely liked my ex, thoiught he was a pompous fake brownnoser (he used to work at my gym before his promotion to another gym). Everyone tells me I'm much better off, I believe it but it's still hard.
The tough thing is that now whenever he calls my gym to talk to my boss (who is his boss too) one of my work friends answers the gym phone and my ex asks, "So, when are you coming over to my new apartment and cook me dinner? I'm single now, living the single life, going out every night and partying!!!" Hearing stuff like that hurts.
I know I'm better off without him, but I'm still so angry that he threw our relationship away so easily. I know I have friends and family (I'm taking a week spa vacation in March with one of my girlfriends) but it's so hard because I've never had my heart broken before. He has ruined my trust in men for the moment, and my self-esteem: made me think I wasn't good enough for him. If anyone has any words of advice, I'd really appreciate it; I need a little boost to help me get over this jerk. Thanks so much everyone.
Things began to change negatively though; he got really cocky and full of himself, saying things like "What do you know? You're only in school, I run a multimillion-dollar fitness facility." (I'm pursuing my second bachelor's degree in diagnostic imaging/nuclear medicine) I would ignore him and just continue studying and trying to make our apartment a happy home, cooking him dinner when he came home, cleaning, grocery shopping (we split bills/expenses 50-50). Meanwhile he would go out drinking with his friends and neglect me, coming home hungover at 7 a.m. sometimes.
Now trust me, I know that he was not the guy for me...I've heard it millions of times from my friends. He would get jealous if I talked with a guy - one time he grabbed me and shook me because he thought I was flirting. I work at a gym, and males just happen to go there. I never crossed the line and I remained 100% faithful because I believe in being faithful to someone you care about.
Anyway, because of his job being an hour commute from where we live, he decided he was going to move down closer to his job with his best friend from college - aka, drinking buddy. They're fine on their own, but put them together and half of their brain cells cease to function - I've seen it happen, and it ain't pretty! BFFC (best friend from college) would influence my ex to binge-drink, start fights, and even drive drunk. So I was apprehensive when my ex told me they'd be living together, but for his job's sake, I wasn't going to hold him back from his career. We decided we'd concentrate on our jobs (his work, my education) but we'd make time for each other because we loved each other and cared about our relationship.
Christmas came; my family and I went to Indiana to visit extended family for 4 days. He was traveling to see his extended family at his sister's house, an hour drive away. He asked me to call him when my plane touched down because "I hate you traveling on the holidays with so much terrorist stuff going on." I called him, and he sounded so happy to hear from me and that he'd call me later on that night. That night, I'd been so wrapped up with spending time with my family to realize he hadn't called. I figured he was up at his sister's already; we'd touch base Christmas morning.
All Christmas day he didn't call, but I was occupied with visiting relatives, watching Lord of the Rings, bowling, etc. I got a hold of him that night around 9:30. He said he was sick and in bed; he didn't go see his sister or family. Odd, I thought. He sounded grumpy and said he'd call me the next day. He didn't, so Friday night I called him around 10:30. He answered the phone and I could barely hear him because of noise in the background. He asked me why I was "interrupting him" out at the bar when he was with BFFC drinking together. He also said drunkenly, "This just isn't going to work out between us, don't call me." I was crushed.
Saturday night I checked my email and I got a notification from Cingular to pay his phone bill. We would do it online; he would review his minutes and give me his credit card to pay it; I would do it because he is computer illiterate and doesn't have email. I reviewed his minutes and I noticed two suspicious numbers, both incoming, and he had made outgoing calls to the numbers on Friday and Saturday from 11 pm to about 4 a.m. I had a sick feeling, so I called the numbers and got a girl's voicemail. I called my ex a million times to ask him who this girl was but he didn't return any of my calls or messages. I was hysterically crying all night and the rest of the trip home.
Suinday morning in the airport I finally got ahold of him; I asked him who this girl was and he said it was an employee of his. Big pile of bullsh*t, I said, you don't talk to employees until 4 a.m.!! I told him to make sure he was at the apartment when I got home. When I got home he was there and he said this wasn't going to work out. This girl was someone he'd met on Friday night. He denied anything physical happened, but he has a very extensive track record of cheating prior to me. I told him to get his things and get out. He left. I went to my parents' house to recuperate.
The next day he stopped by my apartment and begged me to take him back. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him, I made him so happy, he made the biggest mistake of his life, he didn't realize how good he had it until I was gone, etc. He said that girl was just an egotrip, she made him feel attractive by hitting on him, and he did nothing to stop it because he was going through a period of "low self-esteem," and she made him feel hot. I told him I still loved him but didn't trust him anymore so it would never work. He begged me until I told him to pack his things and get out of my life.
Now he stil has things at my apartment, it's been a week. I've surrounded myself with close friends and family - they all agree he is a jerk. He says he'll pick his things up this weekend; I packed them in boxes for him because I can't stand the sight of them but can't put them out on the curb as many of my friends say to. I've had so much support from people I work with when they heard what happened through the grapevine; turns out not many people genuinely liked my ex, thoiught he was a pompous fake brownnoser (he used to work at my gym before his promotion to another gym). Everyone tells me I'm much better off, I believe it but it's still hard.
The tough thing is that now whenever he calls my gym to talk to my boss (who is his boss too) one of my work friends answers the gym phone and my ex asks, "So, when are you coming over to my new apartment and cook me dinner? I'm single now, living the single life, going out every night and partying!!!" Hearing stuff like that hurts.
I know I'm better off without him, but I'm still so angry that he threw our relationship away so easily. I know I have friends and family (I'm taking a week spa vacation in March with one of my girlfriends) but it's so hard because I've never had my heart broken before. He has ruined my trust in men for the moment, and my self-esteem: made me think I wasn't good enough for him. If anyone has any words of advice, I'd really appreciate it; I need a little boost to help me get over this jerk. Thanks so much everyone.

Surrounding yourself with good and caring friend is the best thing you could do. I wish you best of luck. You deserve so much better, and I am sure you will find someone else who will appreciate you. Soon.
You are a smart woman to realize you are better off without someone that is dishonest with others as well as himself. He seems very egotistical, self-centered and self-focused. Your word was perfect - cocky. He met someone that stroked his ego and off he went. Not the kind of man you want long-term, but you know that.
Anyway, if your emotions don't level off after a few months, consider some short-term counseling to help you get through it.
Reading material to consider (to help your self-esteem bounce back):
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
Self Matters, Phil McGraw
Remember you are NOT less than because of his actions, words, choices or behavior!
Also pamper yourself. Make a list of things you enjoy and start doing them - from little things - latte, bubble bath, flowers to bigger things - massage, yoga, movies.
My best to you.
Carrie