Need some guidance

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Need some guidance
4
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:57pm

I could really use some guidance. My boyfriend and I were together for a year, but then he started his first year of law school and one month into the semester he broke up with me. Up until that month, we had a great relationship. We had talked about how school would change our relationship, and he said that he wanted me to be his top priority. But that story changed once he started school, and he became very focused and competetive. He pulled away, and after a month broke up with me. It was not expected.

After five months he contacted me, and we met for lunch and had a good time catching up. He took me out to dinner the following week, and he said that he had made a big mistake and wants to get back together. I accepted hesitantly, since I was only just starting to heal. I told him that it was going to be hard for me to put all my trust in him, and he was willing to accept that. Things were great for a little while, because he was not overwhelmed with school. He treated me like a queen, and was very attentive. Now things are getting hectic for him again; he has obligations to work, school and family. I'm feeling neglected, and when I ask him what his weekend looks like (because he hasn't asked me) he says MAYBE we can do something on Saturday. I haven't seen him in two weeks (due to the holiday). I understand that he has a lot to balance, but I have needs. I am not sure how to broach it with him without sounding needy, but I feel like I deserve one day a weekend with him and that he should give me the courtesy of planning (whether is just planning to do 'something') that a few days in advance. Is that too much to ask? The thing is, before the breakup, I had resolved myself to the fact that I was in a relationship with someone who had a responsibility to school and was willing to concede to that, but now that he has broken my trust (meaning, I trusted him with my heart and he betrayed that) and we are basically starting over, I feel like he needs to participate more. It was he who wanted to get back together, because he had assessed what was important to him, but it seems like our relationship is losing to his other priorities again. How do partners get through times when one person has little time to focus on the other?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 3:17pm

What was discussed about your respective expectations for the amount of time you would spend together when you got back together? Does he know that you want one day a week, planned a few days ahead of time? If not, why haven't you talked about that?

And no, that's not too much to ask, in a general sense, but it may be too much for HIM. Only he can answer that question.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 5:49pm

Welcome to the board krismae2006,


I think you just need to talk to him about how you are feeling. Tell him what you need and ask him if he can give that you, but also tell him you understand he is busy with school but you need to know you are still important to him.


It isn't too much to ask, but it may be more than he can give to you at this point in his life. If he can't it to you now, you will have to decide if the relationship is worth waiting until he is out of law school.


Good luck.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 10:25am
I brought it up with him last night. I said that I would like for him to give me some consideration and tell me a couple days ahead of time if he could make time for me. He said that he doesn't like to plan ahead, because it makes it another obligation. I tried to explain to him that it's just considerate to not leave me hanging, but he refused to compromise. We were on the phone for three hours going in circles, and no resolution. We are supposed to see each other tomorrow, and I asked him to email me to let me know what time he can get together, and then he said he'd call. It almost seems like he is purposely trying to contradict what I say. Maybe it's because he had to do an oral argument last night in class, that he's so argumentative :-) Really, it's frustrating me. He even had the nerve to give me his entire weekly rundown, to show me how busy he is and that he doesn't have time to think about what he is going to do for fun. I guess this is where I need to make my decision. It just blows my mind that someone is so self-centered and unapologetic about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 2:46pm
It seems like he thinks you don't realize how busy he is. Hopefully you can work through this.

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