need some help
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| Thu, 04-26-2007 - 1:10pm |
I need some advice and an ear as I have no one else to talk too. 10/03 me and my ex-h split (he walked out because he wanted his other women). A month or so after he left I met someone else and we were doing good together. Then the ex-h found out that I was with someone (mind you, he was with many and during that time that he was doing this) and he decided that he wanted to start trouble for us/me. He kept saying that he would change if I would get back together with him (he was with some as he was telling me this), I refused and he got mad at me and would do and say whatever he could to get me back. Over 2 years ago I did something with him, not because I wanted to but because I was always threatened (no this is not an excuse this is what always happened during the marriage and I was scared of him), but also during this I was with this other person. I did not want him to be hurt, but my ex-h thought it was funny and said that he would use it against me so I could not be with anyone. (I'm trying to explain this as best as I can) I was and am extremely upset about what happened. I filed for a divorce from him as I finally had the guts and courage to do so. But because of what happened me and the person that I (I think) am with have had a hard time, from argueing to fighting being accused and so on. When I filed the paperwork I had my phone number changed and changed my e-mail address, I did give them to the person that I am with. I would get letters in the mail from the ex-h saying how pi**ed he was at me because I did this and that he would still start trouble with me, he did a lot of harrassing. I have not had any contact with my ex-h at all and in any way. The last time that I had to be around him was during court for the finalization for the divorce. Every so often my current will keep asking me if I am in contact with him and I will tell him no, because I'm not. I keep my e-mail (I only have one account as I need nothing more) open and I have my phone open, I have nothing to hide. Well when he gets in these moods when he asks me this he won't beleive a word that I say then he will be mean, rude and have a cocky attitude when talks to me and then he will not talk to me for days on end. When he does talk to me he will tell me that he loves me and so on. Now this current one, he called me from break the other day and I didn't answer the phone because I was talking to a friend (from back in HS) of mine that lives 2 hours away and is female, she's the only one that I EVER talk to and that's maybe 5-6 times a month if that. So he called me after work that night but again I didn't answer the phone because I was sleeping I have to get up early to get the kids off to school so I'm in bed by 8:30. Then yesterday he didn't call and come over like he usually does until about 15 min before work. He starts with his cocky attitude (that's when I know he's mad at me about something, even if I didn't do anything wrong or I don't know about what's going on) and he asks me again if I am talking to him again and I said no, again I'm not lieing, and he said that he had a dream that I was and I said it's probably because you didn't get ahold of me yesterday when you called (I have feelings like that too with him even) then he says to me, no I don't think so. So that was the last time that I heard from him, again he won't talk to me for a few days while I sit here and try figure out what I did again that I don't know about but appearently he does. I swear on my and my kids lives that I'm not doing anything wrong nor have I been. I'm sick and tired of being basically accused of doing something and then being treated like that when I know for a fact that nothing is going on. Everything was fine and was going good for awhile now until this happened the other day. I don't want to lose this person as he is a good person otherwise but I just want this to stop. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and say "I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING!". If I were to do something like this to him he would get defensive and say that if I don't trust him then I shouldn't be with him (yes there's this female at his work that he talks to that I'm having a hard time with, and that I have dreams that he is doing something with her) and then he wouldn't talk to me again. He's not open with his e-mail or phone like I am, but I never had any reason from the day that I met him to not trust him in that way. He says that I don't understand what I did to him and how he feels, YES I DO!
What I want to know is, what do I do? How can I get him to understand that I have no contact with ex-h, I have no need or interest in it whats-so-ever. When I say that I'm not talking to the ex-h I really mean it. I went through so much with him that it really damaged me and I don't want to put myself through it again. (He, ex-h,was emotionally, physically, verbally, and sexually abusive towards me.)
Sorry that this is so long and that it bounces around, I'm not very good at writing things out and them being straight.
Also yes I feel horrible about what happened that's why I have been doing everything that I can to try and help things. I cry about it almost every night, it sits heavy on me. I don't know what to do anymore.
Edited 4/26/2007 1:22 pm ET by secretsoul

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Welcome to the board secretsoul,
I wanted to start of by saying that you are a very strong woman to be able to leave your abusive ex. It takes a lot of courage and strength to do that.
I think it would really be helpful for you to see a counselor to help you deal with everything that happened when you were with your ex.
glitter-graphics.com
I've tried that (suggesting counseling) during one of the many other times that he has done this and he said that I had my chance. I don't want someone to tell me to get rid of him because that's not what I want to do. If this part of it would just stop everything would be fine, atleast I think it would who knows what he's thinking.
The other day he was talking to me saying that he's not sure if he wants kids or not and that it's been on his mind for a long time now and that if he decides that he does then I'm gone (I can't have anymore because I got my tubes tied after my 2nd one because I didn't want anymore and because I had problems during the pregnancies) and that he would have a hard time with that because he wouldn't be able to forget me. It really hurt when he said that and it sits on my mind to wondering when the day will come when he's going to get rid of me because he's ready to have some of his own. But yet he also said that he likes not have to be responsible financially or any other way for any kids, so he doesn't know he wants any or not.
Yesterday he called me and again a few minutes before work (just enough to where he doesn't have to talk to me that long) and he was giving me the cocky attitude again and I asked him what I did wrong again and he said "did I say you did anything". Then I said that I'm sick and tired of being accused of things that I haven't done (that took a lot of guts for me to get that out) then he goes on to say (again making it sound mean and cocky) "you sure do sound like your feeling guilty about something" and I said that I wasn't guilty about anything because I didn't do anything and he said "yeah, it sounds like your feeling guilty". UGH!! He likes to twist things around and make things out to what they are not.
Also during the time that we have been with each other we have been on and off a few times. He'll go from hating me and not talking to me and not wanting to be with me to starting to talk to me again and then he'll want to be with me again. He'll even talk about us living together and stuff like that. That's another reason why I don't get it. Why does he talk to me about things like moving in together when other things like this is going to happen. I just don't understand, and he would rather talk to this other female at work about his problems or what's on his mind then to talk to me about it and if I where to say anything about that he would really get mad at me. Again, if I don't trust him I don't belong with him. Well what in the world am I going to or supposed to think when stuff like this is going on!? I don't talk to anybody else, I keep to myself, I don't have other people to confide in, I keep it all in. He doesn't and hasn't even allowed me in his house anymore for awhile now and I can't figure out why that is. The other day he was trying to get something upstairs and I tried to help and I walked in the door and he yelled at me and I had to hurry up and get out. I just want to scream "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?
Yes I know that he's hurting but I don't know if he realizes that what he's doing to me if effecting me and in what way. I just don't know anymore.
Edited 4/27/2007 9:24 am ET by secretsoul
He is abusing you and you are allowing it. You make excuses for him. So what if he's hurting that's no excuse to use you as his emotional toilet. Generally speaking those who CAN'T trust are not trustworthy. He doesn't care that he is hurting you. Do you really think one day he is going to wake up and realize that he loves you and everything is going to be okay? He SCREAMS at you for almost going in his house. He is definitely hiding something.
I'm in therapy largely for allowing the kind of abuse that you are taking from this man and there is no way in hell any man will ever disrespect me again. Therapy will help you set boundaries in your life that place what is best for you above the excuses you make for others.
If you aren't willing to get help and attempt to create a better life for yourself then you need to somehow accept this is how he is and this is your life with him. You CANNOT change him and your love is not the magic potion to make it all better. No one here can help you if you won't help yourself. And I can't imagine anyone reading this and thinking it's a good idea for you to stay with him.
Good luck!
What you did you did out of fear and you have no doubt suffered enough humiliation and pain over it - YOU OWE YOUR BOYFRIEND NOTHING!!!!!!! You made a mistake. Mature people work through mistakes and move forward. He will emotionally beat you up over this forever.
You live with a victim/guilt consciousness and until you get help you will never know how beautiful it can be to create healthy, respectful relationships with men.
Please get the help you need. I know when you're sitting right in the middle of it sometimes you can't see thr truth of a situation, especially when you've been brainwashed to believe that you are the one who is wrong all the time. If you give yourself a chance to break these patterns you will see things in a whole new light.
You are in an abusive relationship, but I don't think you see it because it is so different from the last abusive relationship you are in.
I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you will be able to see things for what they are. I still think you need to go to individual counseling.
glitter-graphics.com
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I think I'm missing something or misread something. What did she do out of fear? What is she at fault for?
This is what she was talking about that she feels bad about. Basically her ex threatened and forced her to have sex with him.
"Then the ex-h found out that I was with someone (mind you, he was with many and during that time that he was doing this) and he decided that he wanted to start trouble for us/me. He kept saying that he would change if I would get back together with him (he was with some as he was telling me this), I refused and he got mad at me and would do and say whatever he could to get me back. Over 2 years ago I did something with him, not because I wanted to but because I was always threatened (no this is not an excuse this is what always happened during the marriage and I was scared of him), but also during this I was with this other person. I did not want him to be hurt, but my ex-h thought it was funny and said that he would use it against me so I could not be with anyone. "
glitter-graphics.com
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