Need some honest opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Need some honest opinions
5
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 11:20pm
My boyfriend and I have gotten into a bit of a fight, and I'm hoping for some brutally honest opinions. My boyfriend had to work late one night this week, and then went out with his friends all the other evenings, sometimes coming home after 11 and once around 9ish I think. He told me today that he was sorry his schedule had been so crazy and that he hadn't had a chance to hang out with me much, and that he told his brother he would go out to dinner with him and then have a couple drinks (he doesn't see his brother much). He said he would be a little late tonight, but that he would spend the next couple of nights with me. Well I called him around 9:45 to see where he is, and he was hanging out with this girl Shannon (a cousin of one of his friends) and her boyfriend. I was a little upset but didn't tell him, and asked how long he would be. He said he would be a while. We then hung up with him noticing I was mad, and then I called him at about 10:45ish. He asked why I was upset before, and I told him that if he really was sorry about not being able to spend time with me, then he should have come home after he was done hanging out with his brother, instead of going to have out with people he had already seen this week (he hung out with them on Tuesday i think). He said that he told me he was going to be late, and that it shouldn't be a big deal. I said it wouldn't be, if he would just tell me the truth. He said he wasn't lying and he said he didn't understand why I was so upset. Am I being stupid? He told me he would be late, so should it really matter who he is hanging out with? I'm like sooo upset right now that I've just been sitting here crying but I don't know if I'm just being totally unreasonable or if my boyfriend is being a total jerk. I know I have trust issues with him (due to my previous relationships) so I just can't help but think there is some girl over there or something that he is talking to.. because why else would he want to hang out with them and not me??? I'm so confused... Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:34am
Of course he doesn't get it. He was doing what he wanted to do. He CHOSE how to spend his free time and it wasn't with you.

Sorry for your pain.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 3:01am
Did you ask him why he didn't pick up the phone and invite you out with his friends after his brother left? You mentioned that he was with another couple, I would think that would be his natural response, but then again if you have never discussed it, it may be a conversation you might want to have. My boyfriend does the occasional boys night and on occasion one of the guys will bring there girl, well in that case he picks up the phone and calls me. I don't always go, but it's nice to know that he is thinking about me. I also understand that guys have this macho thing, they don't want there friends to think they are whipped, you know. Anyway, I would be upset too, but you should have a heart to heart talk with him, sometimes men don't realize that if you just pick up the phone and invite you, whether or not you go, makes all the difference in the world, good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 9:48am
I am curious as to why he didn't invite you out with this couple. Does he do this often or is this week an exception? Do you think he is becoming disconnected with you in general?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:42am
Well, this kind of situation hasn't happened for a while. Before I was 21, he would go out with a couple we are friends with (a good friend of his who is dating my boyfriend's cousin) but I wasn't able to go if they went to bars. He goes out with his friends A LOT.. atleast 2 nights a week and then on weekends, atleast one night. I don't really go to bars much because I work full time and I'm also in school. On the weekends when he goes out with a group of friends I sometimes invite myself which he doesn't seem to mind, but he mostly goes out with his one friend Chris, who is single so I don't want him to feel uncomfortable by being the 'third wheel'. I know it's really sad, but my boyfriend and I don't really do much. We hang out with other people, but as far as doing things alone, we just stay home. I can't remember the last time we went to a movie... We go to dinner quite a bit, but that's all. This probably isn't good, is it? It never seemed to be a problem though. I'm really getting freaked out... I never really sat down and thought about this stuff. When we are home, usually I'm watching tv in one room, and he's watching it in another, or one of us in on the computer while the other watches tv. It's always been this way though.. Can people have a healthy relationship in these kinds of circumstances if they're both comfortable with it? Have we ever really connected?!?! We couldn't have made it 3.5years if we haven't connected, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:58am
Your last two questions on this post got me. I believe that when relationships start, that infatuation, lust and high flying chemistry attracts you to one another. Can you be together for 3.5 years without connecting? Yes, you can. Connection on an emotionally mature level takes work from both partners. It is risky, scary, intimate and vulnerable, and we want to flee from it time and time again and do things to sabatoge it unconsciously, because of our fears of connection.

I was married for 21 years, and could walk away without any regrets because through 21 years and two children, we had no emotional connection at all. It was partly me not wanting to connect for fear of abandonment, and him not knowing how to connect and being unable to learn. Two things we could have worked through, but unfortunately, he didn't want to, and I had so much resentment about that, I had to get out.

So, yes, it may be that you are not "connected". Take a closer look.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.