Need some input, is this right

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Need some input, is this right
6
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:34pm
I have been with my fiance for over 4 yrs, most of the time we have a great relationship. My question is do you think it would be wrong for me to install a GPS Tracking system on his car, without his knowledge. There a are several reasons that I have been looking into doing this. The first is that when ever a problem (argument) comes up, he likes to take off for a few hours, a few times this has been as long as 5 hrs. He says he does this to blow off steam, so he doest blow up at me. But I never know where he goes or what he does. And for about 6 months we battled with him using meth. But I do home drug tests now when ever I feel the need to reasure myself that he isnt using.

The second and third reasons are based more on my insecuretys. When we first got together he told me that he had tryed porn with his x, but I quote his words, he said "I dont like porn, because if you have the real thing right there why do you need it" So imagage my surprise to find porn magazines in the hidden in the garage. When I confronted him about it he got rid of them, becuase it really made me feel like I wasnt enough for him, expectally when he said he would look at them before he " came to bed with me to get him wound up" But then after a couple of months I found some more in his car, with the recipt that happened to coinside with one date and time that he took off after and arguement. So I shredded those and left him a few pieces in the bag. I know I shouldnt act so bad about porn but I just cant help feeling like he shouldnt need that stuff, when he has me (we have a very active sex life)

and the third reason is that he switched jobs recently and now we work opositte shifts, I come home about a half hour before he leaves for work. And I have noticed lately that he has been dressing differant when I am at work, He normaly wears t-shirts and wholey jeans, and lately hes been wearing tommy and polo, and even ask me about tommy underwear. then on top of that our 3 yr old told my mom the other day something about daddy and a girls shirt. I have no idea what she meant but it made me think. He has really never gave me any reason to thing he would ever be unfaithful, actully his x wife cheated on him so he really looks down on that kinda stuff really bad. so maybe I am being parinod but I feel that I need to know. Maybe part of it is the fact my x cheated on me. and I have a hard time trustng but I just want someone elses opinion. PLEASE, let me know what you think of the GPS idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 1:31pm

sorry, did you say you are his GF? do you mean JAILOR? GSP systems? urine tests?shredding his playboys?


sweetheart - you gotta getta grip. if you are with someone untrustworthy - then leave. you don't (in a healthy, mature relationship) go around monitering your partner's every step. if YOU are the one with the insecurities - then get help for yourself. this whole relationships sounds extremely unhealthy, to put it mildly...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:26pm


Whoa, yes, I agree with the previous poster.

Back off, sister, and get a grip on yourself. If you feel you can't trust your boyfriend to the point where you're thinking about installing a tracker in his car, then maybe this isn't the right man for you, or maybe you need to get a handle on your insecurities, or both. (I'd bet both)

This relationship screams unhealthy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 3:48pm
First off, I guess you shouldn’t judge people unless you know the whole situation, and as rude as you were passing judgment is exactly what you were doing. And the comment about being mature, I just blow stuff like that off, because I know that tack is also something that comes with maturity, and that is something that some people still need to learn. I tried in my post to not make it a mile long but give a few reasons for this idea coming to me in the first place. But I apparently didn’t add the information that was really needed.

The urine tests were not my idea, they are bought and used by him to help me to know that he is not using, maybe I should have clarified that more in the first post. He decided to do this because I lost my (16 yr old) sister to meth 5 years ago. and I very bluntly told him that it was meth or me! I would not find another person I love dead from this nasty crape, that sick people are out there pushing.

As for being a jailor, I don’t think allowing some one to go where they want when they want a jailor. I don’t set limits on what he can and cant do. Besides drug and cheating, which I would be insane to allow. He is a very avid hunter and fisherman and he goes at least ones a year for a week hunting with his buddies, and at least 3 weekends a year he goes racing with the car that he built.

As for the porn it wasn’t Playboy, it was PORN there is a difference, at least to me. And I would have never given it a second thought if it weren’t for the things that he said. I do know that porn is just something men do. But it still doesn’t help what was said, when I found the first magazines I just told him I found them I didn’t tell him he had to get rid of them. That he did on his own. And the second ones I found in his car, it was the receipt that showed that that he went and bought porn when he took off as he says to blow off steam because he didn’t want to deal with what ever issue we were having, which is I think correctly was around the same time that I discovered and confronted him about the meth.

And last of all you say “untrustworthy” I guess you forgot to read the part where I said as far as cheating is concerned he has never gave me any reason to think he is being unfaithful. We have a good relationship, I just want to assure myself that I will not get a call some day that he is in jail for being around drug houses or worse yet have to tell our 3 yr old daughter that daddy’s never coming home because he’s dead. I am not stupid enough to think that drugs are an addiction that you can just walk away from and never have the temptation again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 4:21pm
Although sometimes when giving advice, some of us come across as preachy and judgemental at first glance, we all do mean what we say in the best way possible. :)

As for the GPS, I also think that sounds extreme. I have known many people who overcame their addictions and never looked back... but those were people who were determined to not fall back into the temptation trap. You have to weigh in his level of commitment to himself to not allow this to happen again to really consider how likely it is that he will falter. Generally, the longer someone has been away from a past addiction, the less likely it is that he will return. Imagine what a terrible place the world would be if we had to carry ALL of our mistakes around FOREVER.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 4:36pm
I didn't read the other replies, but you asked for opinions so here's mine. A GPS system? You must be joking. Let me tell you this with certainty -- nothing is going to succeed in reassuring you if you do not trust him. Not a GPS system. Not 24 hr. surveillence. Nothing. B/c this is about your distrust and that's what you should be focusing on. You should address your own issues of distrust and insecurity before marrying anyone. A relationship without trust is not going to be successful, happy or healthy. And that is not just an opinion. It's fact.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:20pm
Let's say you get the GPS installed - I'm not sure what kind of info you hope to gain from it? Where he goes? How far he goes? But will it tell you what he did while gone or who he talked too? Sounds like a lot of trouble for not much info.

Also, with addictive personalities, the porn might be a replacement escape. I'd say your relationship would be better served if the two of you went to counseling, learned more efffective ways of communicating, and hopefully at the same time give him some options in dealing with what he's feeling so he can learn to cope differently.

Have you read the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie? It might be worth looking into. My best to you.


Carrie