Need for some much needed advice/feedbac

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Need for some much needed advice/feedbac
7
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 11:31am
Years and years ago, I "met" a man online. I was pretty stupid then and naive, and lied to him about many things. Over the years it just continued. To the point where I finally had to stop talking to him. Now he has recontacted me and I gave him every truth and not a single misconception or lie. He says he loves me still. There has always been a great bond between us, even when I did lie it was physical lies, and not my personality. Well, basically, he is confusing me. I asked him straight out if he is seeking any type of revenge he said no. I can't afford to go to see him (he lives a couple hundred miles away) and he offered to pay. He does little things for me constantly. But, my problem is, he says he wants something with him, he wants us to get together and see each other so we can go from there, but I feel as though I'm putting my entire life into this and he's only in it halfway. I put my life on hold to make time for him and I feel like he can't even be bothered to talk to me sometimes. He is so sweet and caring but yet, I don't understand why it is he can't call me at a normal time not in the middle of the night or why everything else is a priority in life besides talking to me? He tells me I am his number one priority but I surely don't feel it. I want something with him. I just need some advice. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Does anyone think maybe, because of my deceit in the past maybe he does care, but isn't putting his all into it because of the past? I don't know. He says he loves me, says he cares, says he wants to try, and says that he trusts me again, and has forgiven me. But without the actions that go along with these things I don't know. He is the most honest and straightforward person I've ever known in my life, but I'm so confused. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 1:23pm
don't bother with this man.

really.

i could go on and on as to why but the bottom line is the same - don't pursue this because nothing positive will come of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 1:27pm
Is he honest and straightforward?

His refusal to call at 'normal times' is very fishy. It may be a sign that he is married, or living with someone, or maybe living with his parents ald lying to you about it.

Watch out. I encourage you to go back online and meet someone who lives where you live, so you can have a normal dating life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 1:52pm
Hi..

Most honest, and straightforward person you have ever met in your whole life???

And he calls at odd times, or there are times he cant call? Do you have all his phone numbers? can you call his house in the middle of night if you needed to? Have you ever spent any time, other than on the phone with him?

All I can say, is LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are almost never wrong, the problem is most of us don't listen to them!

If something dosnt feel quite right, its usually isnt!!!

Good Luck to you!

Christine
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 4:14pm
I think I gave the wrong Idea with the whole "calling in the middle of the night thing" he lives on campus somewhere. I know his address, all his phone numbers, I've talked to his parents, his brother, his aunt, etc. I know he's who he is saying he is. I also know he isn't involved with anyone. but, my thing with him calling so late is, he claims that is the only time he has time, I feel like I put my life aside for him, but he doesn't do the same for me in any way. I don't think he needs to make me his number one priority but I think he should respect me and call earlier. it really bothers me. I've told him it bothers me. It just seems like he does things that he know bothers me just to do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 11:47pm
I think you need to drop him... You need to start over... start fresh... if you tell him you don't like him calling in the middle of the night and he continues, what will be next...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:35am

Well, I think you just need to decide whether or not this is going to be okay with you, you asked him not to call late at night, he said that that is the only time he can call you because of his schedule.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 10:31am

Whoah! Hold on here. You are jumping way, way ahead without really knowing this person or what is going on. Firstly, it's way to early for you to "put your whole life into this". What does that mean? Do you really knwo him? How much time have the two of you spent in person? Online relationships foster a great deal of fantasy. You can be anything you want to another person online. Also, you did not spell out the details about why you do not feel important to him? All you mentioned was that he can only call in the middle of the night. This, in and of itself, is scary and bizzarre. Trust your feelings, trust your duobts. Trust yourself. Do not go running off into a fantasy. Why can't he call at normal times? What is he into? Do you really know? It doesn't sound like it. I feel uneasy about your running to another state to meet someone under these circumstances. Have him come to your state, where you live, (not your home ). Have him stay somewhere there (a hotel or motel), and meet him in a protected, public place if you are going to meet. Do not go anywhere with him that is hidden or private until you really, really know who he is and what's truly going on here. If he cares so much about you, he'll come to see you in this respectful and protected way. You also have to understand what love is - it grows slowly and deeply out of on-going contact with a person, through experiencing many things together and going through good and bad times. It grows and deepens as the two of you get to know one another truly. It doesn't sound as though the two of you have had a chance to do this. Go very, very slow. First of all, if he can't or won't call you during the daytime, right there is a huge red warning signal. Something strange is going on. Find out why. Find out, over the phone, who he is and what's happening. Don't jump into anything based on fantasies and dreams.


Best wishes.


P.S. Read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love for more understanding of relationships and building healthy love.