need some relationship advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2007
need some relationship advice
11
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 3:41am
me and my now ex fiance andrew as of yesterday had been together for a year and some odd months and at the beginning things were going really good we never argued about anything i always opened up to him and told him how i was feeling.. well about 11 months ago i had went to a party and met a guy who i totally lusted over he was good looking could make me laugh and we had alot of common intrest we then met up again about a week later at another party and we ended up sleeping together..after i had realized what i had done i called andrew and told him we then broke up for about a month..and then got back together and i had heard about 3 or 4 different girls he had selpt with to try and get back at me which it completly tore me apart well we sat and talked about it and decided to move on from the situation..i then moved in with him about 5 months later and things were going really good well it then got to the point to where we were around eachother so much that we would fight about anything and everything well it then got to the point to where we would start throwing past partners in eachother's faces and things we have done wrong it also got to the point of not only verbally abusing one another it recently became physical so after that if a argument would strike up i would walk away and not say anything which would seem to make the situation worse and he says i push him away because i don't open up to him like i use to...and i told him the reason i don't do that anymore is because he makes me feel as if im not good enough i constantly hear your boobs aren't big enough your ass isn't big enough and your stomach isn't small enough and i say i weigh 135 lbs and feel comfortable but i have heard it so much to where it would make me feel so insecure that i wouldn't eat for days and if i did it would be something like a banana or something light well yesterday he came home and decided that he needed space that he wasn't ready to be tide down that he wanted some alone time and there was so much more life ahead of him but he said that we weren't offically broken up that he just needed alone time so he moved out and moved in with his brother and im currently still stayin with his mom...and its so hard to think about when all the time we were together through everything grant the fact that i have tried to open up to him but he says its not the same that im not the same girl that he knew at the beginning he has always been so controling i quit talking to all my friends i lost contact with family that he didn't want me to talk to it seemed as if i always gave him what he wanted but there was no me...and i tried to talk to him about it and he said that i have already made up my mind about everything..without talking to me but at times i have broke it off with him i talked to him about it first...i guess im really confused about where i should go with the situation and i would really appriciate any feed back on how to go about this situation like if i should move on or should i step back and wait..the last time this happened i left and moved back in with a family member and was working actually happy again and then he called me at work and we started talking again and it seems as if we go through the same thing every couple months and i think the only reason i stick with him is because i love him to death and i would do anything to make him happy and i've been with him for so long and have always said i don't want to be with anyone but you...he use to always say the same thing but i don't know this time.. plz help in anyway you can thank you so much

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 12:31pm

Hi I am really surprised that you don't have a whole string of responses to your post! Hopefully others will answer.

You know, you are in a classic situation of an abusive relationship. You can still get out of it and my advice to you is RUN don't walk. Get away from him. You say you love him and maybe so, but if it's physical now (the fighting and verbal stuff) just wait until you are trapped being pregnant and you have to take that abuse plus you are stuck with kids too from him. Please get out while you have a chance and can make a new life for yourself. But I would caution you about sleeping with people you do not know well because you might catch someting. Take the relationships slower if you know what I mean.

He is abusing you. That is crazy that you try to be thin and don't eat to please this man. That is not love. This is a relationship that he is trying to control you. He is eating away at your self esteem. You had an involvement with the man at the party because deep down I think you know your subconsious wants you to leave him.

Move out and get the job and make a new life and try to move on. A better life will be there for you but it's up to you to move on and begin it. Enough is enough. Good Luck. Rifka

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 12:48pm
yes the second post was right. u need to get of this relationship before that begins to get worse. Usually it starts off with little things and after awhile the problems tend to get bigger and bigger. The worst part of these relationships are that he may really love you. but he cannot control himself and if you stay b/c you love him you are putting yourself at risk, and honey you need to love yourslef as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 12:59pm
thank you for the message yea i guess its a classic situation he said that when he hit me it wasn't him he blamed it on his meds we fought that nite about something and i said F you and as i laid my head back down he grabbed me by my hair and picked me up and said what did you say i tried to pull away although i tired i couldn't pull away well once i was able to he grabbed me again and laid me on the bed laid on top of me and said i swear if you wake my mom up all hell is goin to break loose shut up i didn't hurt you that bad dry the damn tears and i told him how much it hurt once he realized what he did he was like when i did that it wasn't me its not like me to put my hands on you thats why im leaving to space myself out plus i need to find out who i am and there so much more life ahead of me and im not ready to commit so i asked if there was someone new and he said there isn't but for some reason i can't help but to think there is im staying with his mom right now and she even said that if i got back with him again i would be stupid cause this has happened not the hitting but he recently broke it off 5 other times due to the same thing but always comes back saying he can't do it without me that he loves me too much and doesn't want to be with anyone else and i always take him back and i look at him and i can't see myself with anyone else...hes my everything...so i don't know what to do i mean sometimes i think about leaving him i've thought about it alot but i never have the strength to do that because i lost everything for him..thank you for the feed back it really means alot jenn
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 2:34pm

You need to move out of his mom's house and either stay with your relative or a friend until you can get your feet on the ground. This man is not the right guy for you. I agree with the other poster. This is the beginning of the violence, meds or no meds.

He will just hurt you worse if you take him back. Have the courage to leave him this time. I left a man like that once too. I found someone soooo much better. It takes guts but you can do it. Call a friend, and arrange to stay there for a while. Then try to make a new life for yourself. His mom is right. He has hurt you enough. enough is enough. Don't take him back no matter how sweet he is or how much he cries. he is a loser and you are a winner. You will be OK. Remember. The Lord helps those who help themselves. So take the first step to help yourself and call a friend to stay with. You may love him but I agree you need to love yourself and your future more. Hugs Rifka

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 3:56pm
my cousin wants me to come stay with her and get myself back on track but i keep refusing to stay with her for some reason i like staying with his mom cause right now she is my stability and is helping me and i couldn't ask for a better mother in law..i did have my future going i was in school taking medical and once i moved in with him i quit doing everything lost contact with family and friends that he didn't want me talking to i quit doing everything i liked to please him..and its so weird to being rapped up in man and doing everything he wants me to do like i always do his laundry makes sure his coffee is made when he woke up lunch is packed for work make sure he has something to eat when he walks in the door and has cloths out to go take a shower i give him massages every time he says ohh this hurts can you rub it so i do and i don't feel appreciated for it although he tells everyone that i do alot for him and he loves me and shows me i don't feel he fulfills my needs like he use to do and i never felt i could find someone better than him because for so long he was someone i always wanted and would always be there for me but lately he says im not going to baby you no more you need to do things for yorself and i said i had a good job and loved it but i quit because he didn't like the fact i worked with guys and every time i came home it wasn't hi honey how was work it was did any of the guys talk to you what did you talk about it was like i was being interrogated and i hated that it just sucks cause every time i did leave him i never felt i had the strenght to fully move on and just leave cause every time i did i felt i was giving up on it and that was the crappy part about it and every time we did spilt up in some way it was always my fault like my attitude or some reason behind the fact so i don't know
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 5:43pm

Hi browneyedbabi,

I wish you the best. I am glad that you are going to take time to find yourself. I hope you are able to move out of that house soon. It is so hard to pick yourself up after someone has broken you down. Please keep your head up. This is really the time to journal. It is easy to forget why you need to leave the situation. Don't let him turn this around on you and keep playing with your emotions. I hope you do go back to school since that is something it sounds like you want to do. As hard as it may be, try to write 3 positive things about yourself daily. Remember it took time for him to break you down, it will take some time to build yourself back up. Don't beat yourself up.

I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 6:22pm
it does help and im glad that i have the chance to get other peoples perspectives and advice on everything it seems kind of hard to write 3 things positive about myself daily when all i have heard is negative things for months i don't even know where to begin with it..he has gotten me to the point to where i wake up and feel like im just wasted space in the world..but i will take everyones advice and i thank you all so much for your concern it is really helping me realize i don't need him or any man to be strong im really grateful for everyones thoughts
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 11:45pm

Hi browneyedbabi,

Try to start simple with your positive things. Notice the simple things. For example I woke up today. You are smart enough to talk to others so you are not alone. Start small with your positive things. I will give you some positives. You are so brave and honest. You are able to express yourself and speak honestly about your relationship. Some people would not be able to deal with the truth.

Try to do things for yourself that make you happy. Reading a good book, cooking, or working out. Again, it took time to break you down, it will take time to build you back up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2007
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 12:36pm
ok girls i need some help on this one and i feel COMPLETLY stupid for this but i went home yesterday to find i couldn't get in the house so i had to call andrews brother to ask him to come get me cause it was the only other place i had to go so he came and he and got me well we came back to the apartment and andrew called his brother and told him that he needed some help and he told me to come with him and i was like why and i asked if i would have to be around andy he was like yea and i was like umm im good but he didn't want me to be home alone so i went with him and i had to face andrew at first we kinda ignored eachother and then he sat down and we were drinking together and i sat on his lap and we were talking and he asked if i would stay with him last night and i said i don't know if it will be a good idea and then i turned around and started talkin to another friend about what i did over the weekend and he made a joke about sleeping with his ex and i talk to his uncle about everythin he said honey i know this hurts but im telling you this because i care about you and i love you he said if this is how he is going to be then move on..and i told him how i was trying but it was harder then ever well andy told me to come stay with him so we could talk and i did and of course he came back to the apartment and i cooked for him and everything and then we took his cousin home and then came back and i said you really make me feel stupid he was like how i was like just the way you are acting and i asked him where he was sleeping and he said with you if you want me too and i was like thats up to you..and we sat there and talked and i put my emotions and everything out on line told him how i felt and he said i haven't seen you open up to me like this in a long time and i said because now i have the power to realize i don't need you or any man to feel beautiful or to be strong and i have all my girls on here to say thanks too..but he then brought the condom out and i said are you serious he said yes and i said we haven't used one of those in a year and now you want to too? and i grabbed it and was like get that crap out of my face and he looked at me and said we can't afford another life in the world right now and i looked at him and said when God feels its time for me he will bless me and i asked him i was like did you miss me and i said keep it real no more lies i told him that im beginning to be a different person and he said i really did miss you but for right now this is how it has to be well now hes talking about me moving back with him here at his brothers and i want to but i don't know if it will be a good idea and he said know that if you decide too we aren't together and i said for one i know that and i don't want to be with anyone right now cause i need to work on myself and learning how to build myself up because you have brought me down so bad and he said i tried to force your emotions out of you and that was wrong of me but im the type that needs to hear them and it felt really good to show him that what he did is no where near affecting me like it use too and i think it completly shocked him and i have all you to thank but i don't know if i should stay or should i go i know every one is going to say go but there is just something pulling me back i sat on here reading everyones responses its what kept me strong to show him that i don't need to be with him but i felt so dumb for sleeping with him last night like when we were together everything was just right and i laid there and cried and he put his arms around me and wiped my tears and i said i can't believe im doing this and he said what and i said sleeping with you it feels right but then its differnet i told him i just felt like a screw like thanks for comming see you around and he said it would never be like that because he loves me and he doesn't want to have sex with anyone but me it was so werid cause to a point it felt right and im still confused if it felt right because i was so use to being with him and he made a comment like your lucky your here i said no its the other way around i didn't have to come i came to talk so your lucky im here and its like we are on the same level like we don't want to be with eachother but were like sex buddies he had told me that he was going to have other girls around and hang out with them and everything and i said ok i don't care im not with you and then he made a comment about sleeping with them i said well if thats the case then i could have guys around and screw them to see what he would say and he said that he would kill them and i told him remember what your grandmother said whats good for the goose is good for the gander i said but i won't bring other guys around you to try and rub it in your face because im not like that....and he said the only reason hes bring girls around for his buddy alan because hes still a vergin and hes 19 so were all tryin to show him its ok to be around girls and have sex with the one he feels is right for him i just really need some advice thank alot hugs jenn
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 3:19pm

Hi, browneyedbabi,

I really don't think it is a good idea for you to be sleeping with your ex. Sex buddies almost never work out. You have way to many feelings involved to think you can leave it at that. Are you really going to let him use you for sex? While you are wasting your time on him you are missing out of nice stable men. Don't lose focus and focus on yourself. Move in with your cousin and find yourself. Yes, he is acting all nice and sweet but that won't last. Did you think that he might have just been horny last night.

If you two have not used condoms in over a year why does he suddenly have them? You should wonder who else he is sleeping with. YOU deserve better and don't forget it. Move on and start loving yourself again. You are no good to anyone if you don't love yourself.

Just imagine how you will feel when he brings home another girl and starts dating her. Once he no longer needs you for easy ass what is going to happen? Has he made any attempt to contact you? It sounds like you put yourself in a situation that you knew would put you two together. He has treated you like crap and made you look stupid and he got rewarded with sex. Sorry, if it sounds harsh but you know it is true.

Remember this sex does not equal love or a relationship. Sometimes sex just means sex. Having sex with him 7 days a week will not make him your boyfriend or husband. Sex will not make him love or respect you. It is time to really move on.

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