need some womenly advice....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
need some womenly advice....
2
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 11:07am
Hi ladies, thanks for taking the time to read this, even more for you input an advice! Some background, i am in this relationship with a younger woman, 24 to 39. There are the whole host of issues about that, most of which we are fairly open and communicative about. We have a very open communication, talk about just about anything, with obvious discression, I know she has withheld some interests in other men, yet in the open, we have discussed that she will more than likly go through some period of exploring the possibility... Not the big issue really. The big one is, as we are recently in a long distance situation and she starts to see some of these other men, how should i approach the fact? We have discussed this as she will be leaving for the peace corps for a several year commitment. As i have a commitment to my daughter, moving to a third world country and working as a volunteer is not really feasable. So we took things comewhat casually, though we were spending almost all of our free time together, dinner most nights, sleeping over at one anothers places, yes, sex. There was never a problem with our "love" life.

The problem is this, I really would love to pick the relationship up when she returns from the peace corps, a two year commitment at the least. She has openly stated that she wish's she could lock me in a box and open me when she is ready. But the distance thing, both of us have discussed the reality that it is unrealistic to expect either of us to remain sexless for the duration. I feel pretty strongly that it is not that much of an issue for me. I truely love this woman and have had enough relationships to know that finding someone that match's my particular, eccentric list of traits, will be not only difficult, but near to immpossible in the ensuing few years. Two years seems like a much greater time to her than to me, for obvious reasons.

We have talked about all of this, none of it is a surprise to either of us, but I find myself feeling so hurt as she spends time with other men now. I have obvious issues about that, again, we have talked about 'my' issue about that. I guess what i am asking for is advice on how to treat her as she explores other love interests, how do I let her know that it is ok to tell me about those feelings? And actually get her to open up about her WHOLE life again? I miss the intimacy that we shared as I feel her becoming distant and trying to spare me the pain and emotional distress, that is mine to carry right? It is there if she tells me or not, and unbelievable as it may sound, coming from a man, i would feel better KNOWING.

I realize the obvious, I need to get on with MY life. That is why we are in this long distance situation now, prior to her leaving. I was living in her "neck of the woods" for the sole purpose of being near her. And as we were understanding of the difficult time to come, when she leaves the country, it just made things difficult. She worried that she might not go on the posting overseas because of the relationship with me, I worried the same and both of us felt it best to "cool" down a bit. This was something she put in motion before meeting me and should not be put on hold just for a realtionship of a few months, hmm, ok, almost a year now.


again, I would be greatly interested in any advice, especially from women in their 20's, who would share some of her career goals and aspirations. Am I doing the right thing remaining friends when I really want so much more? How do I deal with the feeling that the relationship had become onesided in that area? How do i let her know that i am willing to put aside my own emotional distress in order to maintain the close intimate relationship we have had? We get along so well, it would be such a shame to lose what can be and IS, a fantastic friendship.

Frustrated in LDR... with twists

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 2:00pm
Basically what rings through your entire post is that you are both on different pages of your life - you are ready to settle down, be committed and she's not. Not wrong on either part, just different and an issue of timing. If she's exploring interests in other men, she's not going to share as much with you. That's pretty normal. What if she meets someone she really wants a deep relationship with? Then it wouldn't be appropriate to her new relationship to continue on such an intimate level with you.

Sorry for your pain and sorry that I don't have any good advice.


Edited 2/17/2004 2:12:10 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 4:34pm

I don't know if I can be of much help, having never been in a real long distance relationship.