Need Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Need Support
2
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 1:27pm
My husband and I are fighting all the time. He recently has said that he doesn't respect me. He doesn't have a job. He just graduated from college in May and hasn't even pretended to look for a job. He has been out of work more than he has worked in our 7 year marriage. I have to hide my purse because he steals money from me. We have a 12 year old daughter who does without a lot. He is very selfish and puts himself before all of us. I have been waiting for my turn our whole relationship. When we first met he had a good job. When we were married everything changed. I left him for a year about 5 years ago. He tried really hard to reconcile and eventually I believed he had changed. We go along for a couple of years after that, more because I overlooked his bad behaviour. He drinks everyday. Sometimes he says he is going to try to slow down, but it seems he can't go a day without a six pack. He doesn't give any affection anymore. When I try he tells me to leave him alone. We have huge fights and he tells me to leave every time. If I had somewhere to go I would. It just is funny because he never offers to leave, it is always us. I have paid all the money for where we live. I have been so in love with him for so many years. He is a good person to everyone else in his life. If you met him you would like him. He is funny and has a great personality, until he goes home. In our community he is very respected. Everyone knows his name. They don't even know him, or at least the person he is with me. I haven't had sex in the past two years where he initiated it. He did it probably just to shut me up. A normal person would think he was cheating,but he isn't. I have checked it out. He does look at porn all the time when I am not home. That really kills me, because he doesn't want me. Even though I work all day he still thinks it is my job to do all the house work. He doesn't say it, but always blames me when things don't look nice. When he told me he didn't respect me my eyes finally opened and saw him for what he is. I don't know why it's taken me so long. Now instead of fighting for his time and wanting him to want to spend time with me instead of getting drunk with his friend, I want him to go out. I want him to not be home. Today is Saturday, my day off. He told me to clean the bathroom and shampoo the hallway. I worked all week, he didn't. I know it is easy to ask why I am still here, and I don't know. I am so scared of making a mistake. Another reason is he just graduated and I just went back to school. It is finally my turn. He will probably get a nice job soon,and I will still be poor and struggling if I left. I deserve the pay off for all my hard work. What I want more than anything though is for someone to love me. Love me for me. I want someone to want me and hold me. I want another child he is unable to give me. I want so much and I don't know what to do. I have gained a lot of weight because I guess I just gave up. I don't think anyone else would want me now. I know I could lose it, but I have tried recently and gained 5 pounds. I need serious help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 2:11pm
Hi, your husband doesnt treat you the way a man should. If he sits at home all day, he should be helping out with chores. He shouldn't drink all the time and he shouldn't steal your money. If, like you say, he gets a great job, will he really be able to hold it down while drinking a six pack a day? He doesn't seem to care. I understand that he is respected in your town. What I would suggest is to sit down with him and make a list (actually write it down for him) of the things he does not do that you think he should do. Tell him to go join AA, start picking up some slack in chores (maybe start with just one or two and build it up), stop sitting around the house on his butt. Anything you feel is reasonable. Then set a time frame for him to change. If he does not do 80% of the things on your list, then tell him you will sell the house and take the money and move. You actually have to be prepared to do that because otherwise nothing will work. Maybe you'll wait 6 months, and put it in your calendar with your copy of the list. At the 6 month point sit down with him again and discuss if you think he does 80% of the things on the list. You do not have to remind him to do these things. Let him decide on his own whether or not you're worth it to him. Trust me, if he doesn't do these things then he is NOT worth it. I dont think he is even worth 6 months, but everyone deserves a chance right? Anyways, you and your daughter deserve better. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 2:22pm

Welcome to the board sad_and_lonely,


He doesn't respect you? That's rich.