Need support and advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Need support and advice
7
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 11:16pm

I haven't been on here in forever.. I am married, we have been together 13 years now. about a year and a half ago I cheated on my husband, I was in a really bad spot and made a mistake. I regret what happened, and my husband and I stayed together and vowed to work thru it. The last year and a half has had its ups and downs but we have stayed together and thought we were on the mend. About a week and a half ago he told me we need to seperate that he needs space, that he just buried his feelings for what happened instead of dealing with them. it breaks me heart that hes not here. He swears this is for the best and its to make us stronger and closer, he doesn't want a divorce, he wants us forever, just needs space.  so sadly our 12 year old daughter knows about my mistake due to a family member thinking she needed to know, and she has in a sense turned against me, and honestly is playing her dad against me. So she went with my husband, I am lost without them, its just my son and I at home left to manage. I honestly believe my daughter was not hurt by my cheating because we didn't fight around them or anything and we up until now have stayed together, I think she is 12 and just playing her dad for the attention? thoughts????

my husband and daughter are staying else where and looking for a place of there own, I have no clue how much time is needed for him, and I just want to help. I am so stressed over it, also due to me being in nursing school and not working, as that was what we decided has a couple for me to go to school and not work now, and yet know I'm stuck trying to pay bills and everything.

I am lost and don't know what to do about anytihng. I am looking into counseling for my daughter as I think it would be beneficial, espceially with some of the notes I find that talk about her hurting herself. I as well am looking into counseling for me, as I know I have personal self esteem issues.

 

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 11:11am

musiclover12 wrote:
<p>Are you suggesting that a parent who has an affair tell the children that they did that? I totally disagree with that--at the age of 12, a child is not equipped to deal with that kind of news. Children shouldn't be put in the middle of adult issues that their parents have.  Any family therapist would say that if parents are separating the kids should be reassured that both parents love them &amp; will work in their best interests, but they should NOT be told the details of why their parents are splitting.</p>

I guess you missed the part where I said: " (and that is some other mess altogether)".

I was very clear in what I said and what I meant.  I did not weigh into what you allude. My entire post was about the daughter's state of mind.

Those above are your words, not mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 8:44pm

Are you suggesting that a parent who has an affair tell the children that they did that? I totally disagree with that--at the age of 12, a child is not equipped to deal with that kind of news. Children shouldn't be put in the middle of adult issues that their parents have.  Any family therapist would say that if parents are separating the kids should be reassured that both parents love them & will work in their best interests, but they should NOT be told the details of why their parents are splitting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 4:10pm

Hi Pinkdivaprincess,

It's obvious that you love your family very much and would like reconciliation.  Like the others, I would strongly suggest that you talk with a counselor.  They can offer you some solid advice as you work through your circumsances.  If you haven't found one yet, I know you can get a referral from Focus on the Family.  During my time working there, I also know that they have counselors on staff who can talk with you over the phone for free.  You can give them a call at 855-771-4357.  A counselor can help you as you work to restore your relationships with both your husband and your daughter.

In the meantime, you also might want to take a look at an article series on their website.  It offers some insight for marriages that need help.  You can find it here:  http://bit.ly/YoCT0g.  I hope you'll check it out.

Hang in there.  And please call a counselor soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 1:44pm

VERY well said Kendahke1!  I fully concur!  This issue is about a mistake the poster made, and everyone is suffering for it.  I wonder if that is part of the reason why the husband (and daughter) needs space, perhaps the poster truly has not redeemed herself?  Therapy is a must, and listening to the hard answers is crucial.  You need to own up to what you did, and keep it to your family (did you talk to your children about the situation before this helpful relative did?)  You have to keep your kids in the loop regarding the changes that are occurring, regardless of what occurs, your children have the right to be with the parent they feel the most comfort from.  I'm sure your daughter is really angry with you, for good reason.  You need to figure out a way to get her talking about her feelings, and you need to be open and honest with her. 

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 9:53am

pinkdivaprincess wrote:
<p>I haven't been on here in forever.. I am married, we have been together 13 years now. about a year and a half ago I cheated on my husband, I was in a really bad spot and made a mistake. I regret what happened, and my husband and I stayed together and vowed to work thru it. The last year and a half has had its ups and downs but we have stayed together and thought we were on the mend. About a week and a half ago he told me we need to seperate that he needs space, that he just buried his feelings for what happened instead of dealing with them. it breaks me heart that hes not here. He swears this is for the best and its to make us stronger and closer, he doesn't want a divorce, he wants us forever, just needs space.  so sadly our 12 year old daughter knows about my mistake due to a family member thinking she needed to know, and she has in a sense turned against me, and honestly is playing her dad against me. So she went with my husband, I am lost without them, its just my son and I at home left to manage. I honestly believe my daughter was not hurt by my cheating because we didn't fight around them or anything and we up until now have stayed together, I think she is 12 and just playing her dad for the attention? thoughts????</p><p>my husband and daughter are staying else where and looking for a place of there own, I have no clue how much time is needed for him, and I just want to help. I am so stressed over it, also due to me being in nursing school and not working, as that was what we decided has a couple for me to go to school and not work now, and yet know I'm stuck trying to pay bills and everything.</p><p>I am lost and don't know what to do about anytihng. I am looking into counseling for my daughter as I think it would be beneficial, espceially with some of the notes I find that talk about her hurting herself. I as well am looking into counseling for me, as I know I have personal self esteem issues.</p>

 

Your daughter was hurt by your cheating... stop being in denial about that. It serves no good purpose to proceed in that fashion.

She was probably more hurt by the humiliation and embarassment of  someone other than you or her dad telling her (and that is some other mess altogether), but the fact that it was you who did wrong is why you're the one receiving her ire.  Her dad didn't step out on the marriage and family.  You two not fighting around the kids is meaningless in light of the fact that someone else told her what was going on.  Kids aren't stupid--they have a real good sense of right and wrong.

I think you do yourself a whole lot of harm by casting her in the role of a mischevous instigator and trying to make it sound like you've done nothing to deserve her wrath.  You have. She's not playing anyone for attention: she is angry wtih you for what you've done.  Being 12, she may not know how to express her anger at you in the proper way, so the only way she knows how to express it is to talk about hurting herself.  When my dad had an affair when I, too, was 12 (he actually took my sister and I to his paramour's house to play with her kids), I wrote about killing myself, blah blah blah, but it never crossed my mind to do so (perhaps my Catholic upbringing had something to do with it). I"m not saying your daughter is blowing smoke; I"m saying that she is lashing out and a therapist would be the best person for her to teach her how to express her anger effectively (my folks had me talk with one).  Strongly encourage her father to make an appointment  with a family therapist who specializes in these types of matters and take her.

I think that you need to get into the counselling and stop for the moment trying to be friends with your daughter.  Don't insult her intelligence like that.  YOU need to prove to her and to your husband that you will move heaven and earth to attempt to minimize the damage you brought to their lives.  Also, your plans of not working and just going to school have come to an end, so you need to be about the business of finding employment to support yourself and your son.

Instead of painting your daughter as being so unreasonable, you might try  to see she is a child flailing away in the destruction of the bomb that was set off in her little, young life; to try apologizing to her in the most sincere way you can muster and let her work this out on HER time table, not yours.  You can't command her to get over it in order for your life to not have any stress in it.  It's no longer about you.  Suggest to your husband that he get her into therapy--that can't come from you right now. She will fling that back in your teeth.

If you were a man who did this, you'd be expected to move out and pay to support your spouse and second child. All things being equal, I think you should be about the business of getting some employment and soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 10:50am

First of all, that family member did a terrible thing to your Dd--there was really no reason that she needed to know, ever.  For some reason, maybe she thinks that she has to take sides.  I do think counseling is necessary if she is saying that she wants to hurt herself.  Also if you aren't working & your DH decided to move out, he needs to pay child support & possibly alimony, I do believe that it's possible that he could have suppressed his anger at the affair and never dealt with it.  Or it could be an excuse if the problems that led to you wanting to have an affair were never dealt with either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 8:12am

Are you and your husband participating in marriage counseling?