need to talk but afraid to listen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
need to talk but afraid to listen
2
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 11:17am
I am in a relationship with my most recent ex. We are just short of us rekindling our previous relationship that he ended. In that relationship, his mother meddled and convinced me that he was shopping for a ring and I got carried away and believed her. That is where our relationship ended. He said he fell out of love with me. He was very persistent with maintaining a friendship and I allowed that to happen. We haven't talked about our previous relationship. I am at a lost and need your help. Our relationship currently is that we talk everyday on the phone. We spend time together at least once a week. If there is something that I really want to do, he makes the time to be with me. We have been intimate but after the first time, I made it clear that it doesn't change anything but that was months ago. I really feel as though I can count on him to listen, help me and follow through with what he says. He cares about me and that is clear with his actions. Although I feel as though I cannot make an move to take this relationship to the next step, I do need clarification. I need to know if I am wasting my time and if I am going to be disappointed. I am fearful to talk to him about this because I don't want to corner him but I really need to know. How do I manage to bring this up to him without making him feel like I am asking the dreaded commitment question? I know we need to discuss these things so that I know my place in his life. Should I remove myself from the situation or make it better? How can I look out for my best interest? I know this is the best time to do this because I do care about him but I am not in love with him. I won't allow myself to because I am weary of being rejected. Should I claim my independence and focus on bringing myself into a happier place and see if he joins me there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 2:48pm
I think it is odd when anyone says fall out of love, If there is years of adding up maybe but how long have you had this with him? Did he see other people while you were maintaning your friendship with him? These are some things to maybe think about if that is the case.

Again! Keep in mind… I also have issues;

I am not qualified by any means.

So please do what is best for you in the long run, you will be the one living with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 5:37pm
Did you tell him what his mother did and why you were thinking the way you were? It sounds like he likes you but doesn't want to commit right away. If he thinks you're going to push him too soon too far he's liable to opt for a friendship relationship, rather than bf/gf. His mother probably knows this. I think you owe it to him and yourself to clear the air about this. If he thinks you were just responding to what you thought he wanted, rather than pushing him when he was undecided, he'll probably feel a lot more open to you. Best wishes.