Need to talk to DH about Touch Subject

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Need to talk to DH about Touch Subject
4
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 4:53pm
Hi All,

I'm hoping someone will have a thought or two on how to approach my Dh about his schooling.

This has been an on going issue for us sense even before we got married, but I've reached a point were I feel like I can't continue to support him.

DH is in nursing school. He was originally suppose to graduate this May. But due to poor grades and having to retake several classes his graduation date was backed up to May 06. A lot of this has to due with the fact courses have to be taken in a specific order and not all courses are offered each semester. Also a passing grade in this program is 80% or higher. Anything less than an 80% and they make you take the course over. It's done that way on purpose to weed out the not-so-serious students.

He promised me he was serious about it and would make a better effort. This spring, he decided to take only one class to lessen the work load since he is also working full time. But he has failed yet another class. This is significant because the class he failed is a pre-rec for the rest of the courses he has to take, and all sections being offered this fall have have already been filled.

He is on the waiting list but is fairly far down it and doesn't have a good chance of getting in since all nursing students need to pass this class before they can move on in the program.

My DH has a very poor track record with school. Since graduating high school he has been to four different colleges including his current school. Two of them he failed out of and one he dropped out of after a single semester. It's not that he lacks intellegence. It's that he lacks the discipline and maturity to buckle down and do what it takes to get a degree.

It's easy to say that at age 28 he should just grow up and do it. Believe me we had that arguement and it landed us in marriage counseling and almost in divorce court.

But after 4 years of watching him struggle, I've come to believe that getting a degree is just beyond him. I personally think he needs to stop going to school and wasting the time and money on courses that he isn't going to pass. I think he needs to own up to the fact that college isn't for everyone and that includes him.

I personally understand how difficult college can be. I got my degree in 4 yrs by taking 18 credits a semester and working two jobs during the school year and one full time job during the summer so I could afford to pay the bills. So I've tried to be as understanding as possible.

He has a good job now that he enjoys and pays well for a position that doesn't require a degree or apprenticeship. It doesn't offer any opportunities for advancement. And while his position is secure at the hospital he works at now, there aren't many hospitals in the country that offer a similar position.

I guess the point of this is, am I being unreasonable? Should I keep my mouth shut and support him while he keeps trying? I feel like I am being selfish by waiting him to give up. Like I should continue to support him even if it takes him 10 yrs. At the same time, I'm tired of hoping he'll get a degree when he is putting less than 100% effort into school and doesn't pass his courses.

I just don't know that I'm being fare or maybe having to high of expectations. Just because I got through school doesn't mean he will.

Ugh! Any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 5:19pm
For this one...you need an objective 3rd party.

This is not a case of someone "wanting this degree and willing to sacrifice to get it" so that he pursues a career. He's wanting to pursue this because it meets some other need or reasoning that he has. Maybe it is a delusion on his part that he's skilled, intelligent, and qualified enough to meet the criteria. Maybe it's that that is really not his "goal" and he lacks awareness of it.

But...here's a few suggestions.

Either you two get into a counselor's office 'for this specific issue'...not "should he continue to pursue this and you think not because he's not qualified at least by all evidences thus far and so it is a waste of time, energy, money and is shattering your hopes and dreams slowly and by inches" - that's a parental stance - and one that if you approach it alone is likely to end up in havoc for your both in every rgard.....but the issue being "why does he want this degree, and does he really want this degree or does he want to "pursue" this to meet some other standard or guideline that he perceives he must adhere to but doesn't really want the degree/profession on his own."

Or...there is the other option....approach the school, which this is a long shot because they stand to profit by his lack of ability or lack of intelligent pursuit of this degree, and ask them if they would recommend to him in light of his track record in THEIR institution, in light of thier recommendation for guidance in terms of careers (they have people on staff that are only there for that purpose) that he cease to pursue this degree, at his expense, at their institution because he's gone beyond the point of being able to pursue the professional in a financially lucrative manner.

In any higher education instutiton, if a 30-something person walks in and needs "X" number of hours in order to complete a specific degree, and it is going to require "X" in loans to be repaid at the point of graduation (and hopefully upon employment in the field!)and in the interim is putting "off" the progress of their personal and family life to pursue it...they're counseled more from a logistics and common sense standpoint than anything else.

Because if you come out school at 35 or 36...with a degree or certification that puts you in direct competition for employment with 20-somethings who can afford to work for less because they're not having to immediately settle into an organization for stability to begin to pursue retirement....generally their loans conflict with personal and familial increase and acquisition - they never make as much as they would if they were more optioned about pursuing more advancement in the field by switching employers. Whatever they get offered out of school, wherever it is - they're stuck due to owing for student laons, while simultaneous trying to start a family or increase the familial lifestyle.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 6:28pm
Sometimes people are tempted to enter fields of employment simply because there are a lot of openings in that field. If you are entering a profession for that reason, you will not necessarily be successful. That happened to me once when I thought of becoming a teacher. Now I am thankful I didnt become a teacher because I eventually found something that I am good at and that I enjoy. Your husband needs to figure out what it is he is interested in and has an aptitude for and then perhaps his chances of doing well and finishing school will be greatly increased. Sounds like he is not serious about becoming a nurse and so he should not enter that profession - nurses are involved in life and death decisions every day - the last thing we need is a bunch of people who are totally wrong for nursing going into the profession because there were a lot of openings. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 9:46am

i hate to say this - but if i were in a hospital, i would not want to be treated by someone who barely scraped thru their classes, and didn't seem really enthusiastic about this as a career. SOMEONE has to talk to your husband - i understand that you have more than one issue regarding his school work/carreer choice - to you its not JUST the school work but also the fact that you are carrying more than YOUR weight in the marriage and he is doing much less

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:59am
Thanks for the input. You have some very good points.

I know its not a lack of apptitude on his part. When he was putting in an effort he was getting straight A's. It just seems like he feels he's above the class work since he already works in a hospital doing a job that in similar hospitals is filled by a nurse.

Here's the really pathetic thing, he got a call from the Professor last night. I was home and heard his end of the conversation so I know he wasn't lying. The Prof said his grade was a 78% after the final, so the Prof is going to fluff my Dh's grade up to a 80% and let him through the class because he believes my DH knows more than his test scores show.

So now he's off the hook for this one class and thinks that he got the grade he really deserved.

Kind of scary to think that on your next trip to the hospital your nurse might have been passed through a course because the Prof. liked them!